balls-deep Page 50 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Which Are The Hardest American Sports To Break Into?
I was on a flight earlier this week when the cabin pressure changed and my ears popped. So I did the normal thing where you swallow five hundred times in a row and hope no one notices you swallowing so profusely, and nothing happened. My eardrums still felt like they were buried under a pile of sand...
What's The Proper Way To Seat Two Couples At A Sporting Event?
I've been traveling a lot lately, and since I'm Mister Big Fancypants Author Person, I've been put up in nice hotels—the kind of boutique hotels where, if my parents were staying there, they wouldn't be able to figure out how to turn the lights on and shit. And the remarkable thing about these hotel...
Shushing Your Kid Is Idiotic
I have three children and they are loud. Just so fucking loud. They're the loudest creatures on the face of the Earth, howler monkeys included. ...
Never Give Your Kid A Cold Shower: Advice From The Worst Dad On Earth
Excerpted from Someone Could Get Hurt: A Memoir of Twenty-First-Century Parenthood, which makes a great Father's Day gift for foul-mouthed dads everywhere....
The Four Most Punchable Faces In Human History
Before we get to the Funbag, some notes of vital interest. If you're in New York tomorrow night, I'll be doing Scott Rogowsky's Running Late show over in Brooklyn. It's like a live talk show-type thing. You can buy tickets here. You get a free beer (not kidding) if you mention Deadspin at the door, ...
Fuck You, Bill Belichick
I was close, Bill Belichick. I was thissss close to spending an entire NFL season free of Tebowmania, or Tebow Time, or whatever fucking brand stamp ESPN decides to put on all its coverage of the Jesusback. I was really looking forward to it, too. I was gonna watch every game safe in the knowledg...
Never Go To Jail On A Boat, And Other Kid Rock Cruise Lessons
I went on a five-day Kid Rock-themed cruise for GQ, which you can read all about right here. And if you read that article and you’re all like, “Rednecks and Kid Rock music and confined spaces at sea? THAT’S FOR ME!,” I must warn you that these cruises are NOT all-inclusive. You pay for booze, amigo....
The Eight Most Important Organs In The Male Body
I was at the grocery store the other day and I saw the most anorexic woman that I’ve ever seen in my life. We’re talking P.O.W.-thin. Her cheeks were grafted to her skull. She wore size–0 pants that hung off of her. Her arms were no thicker than curtain rods. It was one of the most haunting things I...
Is The Scripps National Spelling Bee Evil?
NATIONAL HARBOR, Md.—That fucking bell. There’s always a split-second between the moment a contestant at the Scripps National Spelling Bee finishes a word and the moment that bell rings out, and in that split-second you can see everything: panic, fear, terror, embarrassment, denial, anger ... all of...
Why Your Children's Television Program Sucks: <em>Super Why!</em>
A look at the awful children’s programming you’re forced to endure before you can finally kick the kids out of the TV room to watch sports for eight hours. Image by Jim Cooke....
What If The President Were A Cokehead?
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering big dicks, broken jaws, uneaten cupcakes, and more. Image by Jim Cooke....
How To Be Completely Useless In A Medical Emergency
I was at the airport on Sunday night and I was in line at the Hudson News kiosk to buy a banana, and just as I got to the front of the line, a guy nearby shouted "MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN! CALL 911!" This big huge guy had collapsed and people were flocking around him, including the kiosk attendants. A fir...
How To Give A Best Man Toast That Doesn't Suck
We got this email the other day from reader Alex. It's the kind of email we get a lot round these parts:...
The <em>Someone Could Get Hurt</em> Live Funbag
If you've hung around the site for the past week, you're well aware that the Book-Whore-O-Bot 5000 has been booted up to help raise awareness for this book. I know this can be annoying. I know that, by the end of this week, you'll be like: "God, I'm so sick of that Drew. He can go fall off a fucking...
The Hater's Guide To Other Parents
I am not the greatest parent in the world. In fact, I wrote an entire book coming out today that indisputably proves that statement. I have been arrested. I have yelled at my children. I have experimented with odd forms of corporal punishment. And I have conspired with my children to commit petty mi...
You're Fucked, But You're Free: A Message To The Class Of 2013
It's May, which means it's time once again for actors and writers and politicians and whatever Thomas Friedman is to hit the graduation circuit and hold senior classes hostage for hours and hours in 85-degree heat. These grad speeches are little more than TED talks in funny hats. Trust me: One day...
Who Would Be Our Go-To Villain If Hitler Had Never Existed?
Are you gonna be in Austin, Texas, next Monday? Oh well, do I have a treat for you: ME, READING OUT LOUD. It's just like a lecture, only I never look up. Tell me you aren't enthused. You could even bring a date and then watch her storm out of the bookstore 10 minutes later! The reading starts at 7 p...
Searching For Anything But Bobby Fischer At School Scrabble Nationals
There are 45 tables set up down in Exhibit Hall C of the Woodley Park Marriott in Washington, D.C., a hotel roughly the size of the Pentagon. Each table has a black tablecloth, a Diamond Anniversary Edition Scrabble board, a crushed velvet tile bag, two racks, four all-purpose banquet chairs (able ...