balls Page 109 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Bogus Rumors About The <em>Entourage</em> Douches That We'll Choose To Believe Anyway
I hate stretching. I hate everything about it. Ninety percent of all stretching done in America today is done in a cursory fashion. You have to go lift or exercise, so you grab your foot and stretch your quad for three seconds, then you jump on the equipment. This is how I stretch, and it does nothi...
Jumping Out Of A Plane Trumps Lesbian Hooker Dildo Shows
I went to a skydiving center this past weekend. I jumped and was a complete pussy all the way down (that's me staring wistfully back at the plane). The full story will be in Penthouse magazine sometime this summer. I never knew how much skydiving cost, so I asked the lady the normal fee for jumping ...
The Curious Case Of The Ball State Ass Slapper
A serial bike-mounted butt-slapper has been terrorizing Ball State's campus. Dangerous sexual predator, or harmless fun? The student body is torn....
Praying For Car Accidents Is OK!
Big doings here at the funbag. Next week we'll be doing a bonus audio version of the funbag (Don't worry, the two regular ones will still run) with a very, very special Deadcast guest. So send in only your finest retarded questions about poop, boners, and snacking if you want in. Now, your letters....
When Is This Pussy Gonna Try Coaching Dudes?
It's been in the 80s here in DC this week, which means this is the first time this year I've been able to bust out the shorts. And when you bust out the shorts, that means it is, once again, open season on bareball nut scratching. All winter long, I gotta scratch my nuts by digging into my jeans. NO...
Hitler Makofane Demands You Listen To The Name Of The Year Deadcast
People, there is a huge difference between merely looking at your 2010 Name of the Year ballot, and saying those names out loud. And this special Deadcast will prove it. (Listen here, iTunes here.)...
The Balls Deep Tiger Heckling Challenge!
Augusta National and CBS are going to go out of their way this week to make sure everything is all hunky dory for Tiger Woods. Well, why the fuck should YOU have to cooperate?...
Time For A Lady To Have Her Say. GREAT MOMENTS IN DRUNKEN HOOKUP FAILURE
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....
In Which We Declare A Fatwa On All Online April Fooling
It's April Fool's Day today, and we've now reached the point where April Fool's has officially become a web nuisance. "Big news everyone! From now on the funbag will be written by Robert Weintraub!" Yes, hardy fucking har. Everyone realizes it's April Fool's Day right around 9:02AM these days. The r...
Your Ferocious Middle-School Volleyball Spike Of The Day
Volleyball Spike Gone Painfully Awry is an underrated sports blooper, frequently ignored while its cousin Football To The Groin is heaped with praise. Thankfully, this kid is here to give us all some perspective. [Today's Big Thing]...
Why Don't More Famous People Have AIDS?
I went to park my car the other day and the spot I parked in had a parking meter that was out of order. It is ILLEGAL to park in a spot with a meter that's out of order. You'll get a ticket. I cannot tell you how angry this makes me. It's not my fucking fault the meter is out of order. And now we ha...
The Five Most Enjoyable Phony Voices To Speak In While Alone
Yes, sometimes I try out foreign accents and voices when alone in the car or the shower. It's how I prepare myself in case I'm plucked from obscurity to play a Bond villain....
Great Moments In Drunken Spring Break Failure!
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Spring Break Failure, where we showcase heartwarming true stories of spring break gone horribly awry. Off we go....
How Much Do Your Genitals Weigh? A Half-Assed Funbag Investigation!
I have a TV/Film peeve I'd like abolished from now on. I dunno if Ebert's film glossary has covered this yet, but I would like it added if it has not. I call it the Confession Cocktease....
So, Here's A Dog Show Judge Playing With A Bulldog's Nutsack
Tickling a dog's scrotum apparently gives it a facial expression closer to the breed's standard, thereby pleasing judges. Also pleasing the dog, obviously....
In Which We Learn That All Dominican Baseball Players Are Gay; Also: Hot Chicks In Cars
Got kids? No? Well, let me tell you one of the delightful side effects of parenting: manic depression. Oh, yes. I am officially fucking bipolar now. When around my child, I go from elated to violently angry at the drop of a hat. And this is because kids always take things too far. One second, you're...
Four Important Things To Know So Your Spring Break Won't Suck
A few weeks ago, I asked you for your very worst Spring Break horror stories. Here is mine....
Golden Shower: Denied! Great Moments In Drunken Hookup Failure
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....
Jesus, Adderall, Heavy Metal Sex, And Marshmallows
My wife went to pick up my kid from school yesterday. Beforehand, she told me they were going to stay a little extra long to hang out at the playground. I, of course, didn't hear any of that because I was too busy playing in front of 150,000 at Castle Donington in my brain. MASTER! MASTER! MASTER OF...
The Hater’s Guide To The NCAA Tournament
It's tourney time. Time to fill out a bracket based solely on eliminating which teams piss me off the most. Let's have a Deadcast! (Listen here, iTunes here.)...