balls Page 28 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
This Is The Golden Age Of Bad Pitchers Serving Up Home Runs<em></em>
No matter how much MLB and worthy physicists deny it, and no matter how sincere they are, the balls used in major-league games are, it says here, juiced one way or another. It could be that central baseball, worried that declining levels of offense would bore fans, hatched a fiendish conspiracy; it ...
The NFL Machine Has Finally Beaten Colin Kaepernick<em></em>
This week, the Seahawks signed Austin Davis to back up Russell Wilson. I don’t need to tell you that Austin Davis is a shitty quarterback. He didn’t play a single snap in 2016, and in 2015 he started two games for Cleveland and promptly committed five turnovers. In terms of statistics, physical attr...
Is An Unbeaten Playoff Run More Impressive Than 73 Wins?
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The Nine Scariest-Ass Things About Owning A House<em></em>
I own a house and the thing about home ownership is that it is a lifetime project. At any given moment, there is something about the house that needs addressing. There is always a PROJECT, and some homeowners like having such projects. They like to constantly spruce things up and tend to the landsca...
Children And Sunscreen: A Guide To Summer Hell
Every year I look forward to summer before remembering that summer is, in fact, hell. There are bugs. There is swampass. There are bored children punching each other for sport. And there is suntan lotion. Ohhhhhh, suntan lotion. Oh how I DESPISE you with a concentrated fury. Is there a more necessar...
Should NBA Games Play To A Score Instead Of A Clock?<em></em>
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Braves Security Guard Snatches Ball From Child
Wednesday night’s broadcast of the Pirates-Braves game featured a cameo by a security guard who takes his job way, way too seriously....
IMPORTANT: I Would Not Bone A Vampire
Recently, I got into an argument with a series of colleagues surrounding the very simple question: If vampires were real, would you have sex with one?...
Will Cars Ever Die?<em></em>
Before we get into the Funbag, here are some quick announcements. First of all, I started a newsletter, which you can subscribe to here if you feel like doing that to yourself. Secondly, The Hike comes out in paperback on July 4. There will be a small tour, with the requisite drinking and merriment....
Humorless Butthole Roger Goodell Concludes That Fun Is Good<em></em>
Good news for you, valued NFL customer! After a string of long, pizza-less nights, and after a handful of forced interrogations with acceptably polite NFL players, and after Jerry Jones probably ordered him around for a bit, commissioner Roger Goodell would like you to know that the league has decid...
Walk: A Message To The Class Of 2017
It’s grad season again, and this year’s crop of commencement addresses promises to ring even more hollow than usual now that graduating seniors are leaving school to step into the End Times. I mean, really: what fucking good is gonna come from you hearing about working hard and/or growing from your ...
Could This Single-A Catcher With One MLB At-Bat Make The All-Star Game?
All-star games are an inelegant but closest-we’re-gonna-get answer to beer-fueled debates on whether League’s Best Player could beat League’s Other Best Player in a game with the finest supporting casts available. Because the public gets to vote on the picks, the event is also very easy to fuck with...
How The Wizards Ended Up With The Worst Team Name In Sports
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Behold, The Most Blatant Handball Of The Year
Chelsea need to beat West Brom this afternoon to clinch the Premier League, but if Jonny Evans keeps this up, forget it. Late in the first half, Evans escaped Cesc Febregas’s pressure with a straight-up karate chop on the ball and he got away with it. ...
Down With Chef Worship<em></em>
Last month, celebrated Danish chef René Redzepi opened up a pop-up restaurant in Tulum, Mexico. This restaurant will only be open for seven weeks. Dinner costs $600 and lasts well past midnight. You will not eat at this restaurant. You will not even come close to ever being able to eat at this resta...
The Penguins Are Flopping Shitbirds
The Capitals lost to the Penguins last night, and the final nail in the coffin for Washington came at the very end, when their attempt to pull goalie Braden Holtby for a man advantage was thwarted when the refs called high sticking on T.J. Oshie…...
WWE’s Newest PPV Is Called “Great Balls Of Fire”
WWE today announced the name of its other July pay-per-view....