balls Page 37 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Kitchen Utensils, Ranked
It’s time for us to play the ultimate game of knifey-spoony, folks. Yes, we’re ranking kitchen utensils on this week’s Deadcast, and I think you’ll be surprised about how strongly you feel about where spoons belong in the culinary hierarchy....
Bernie Should Get The Fuck Out
You won’t believe this, but Bernie Sanders won the state of Oregon last night. (Real fucking shocker there, I know.) Anyway, Bernie has no realistic mathematical shot at securing the delegates needed to win the Democratic nomination, AND some his supporters are now openly threatening people, because...
Bill Simmons Introduces Himself to HBO Viewers With Worst <i>Bull Durham</i> Speech Ever
A year after his rude ouster from ESPN, you’re about to get a whole shitload of Bill Simmons back in your life, both at The Ringer (set to formally debut next month, although they’re already pumping out vital “Is Tom Hiddleston A Superstar?” takes on Facebook) and with his new HBO show, Any Given We...
Barbecue Side Dishes, Ranked
It’s Friday afternoon and it’s rained for 900 consecutive days. Let’s fight about ranking barbecue side dishes. Are you ready? Here we go:...
Let’s Move The Raiders To Vegas
By now we’re all so used to NFL relocation talk that the first impulse is to ignore all the recent reports that Oakland Raiders owner and embarrassing ’70s yearbook photo Mark Davis is toying with the idea of moving the team to Las Vegas. Remember, it took decades for the NFL to finally sack up and ...
On Safe Spaces: A Message For College Graduates
Oh God, it’s graduation season. Can’t we pause this somehow? I just got done adjusting to the LAST graduating class entering the workforce and ruining everything. Can’t we put a five-year moratorium on graduations so that the rest of the world can take a breather? You’re all exhausting and terrible,...
Tracy McGrady Says Steph Curry Only Won The MVP Unanimously Because The NBA Is Watered Down
The hot sports take may be a little endangered baby bird, but Tracy McGrady performed a remarkable act of conservation this morning on The Jump, when he said that Steph Curry’s unanimous MVP win was more due to the watered-down level of competition in today’s NBA compared to years past. Pablo Torre ...
Aston Villa Supporters Protest Relegation By Interrupting Match With Inflatables
Aston Villa supporters interrupted today’s match against Newcastle with a flood of beach balls, sex dolls, and other inflatables as the last-place team prepares for relegation from the Premiership....
What Is The Most Pretentious Musical Instrument?
If you’ve ever heard Jack White go through his marimba phase, or seen a dude waltz onto a subway car holding a djembe drum, you know there are some pretty goddamn pretentious instruments out there. But which one is the worst offender, and why is it always the bagpipes? That’s the subject of this wee...
How To Be A Radiohead Fan Without Being A Dipshit About It
Radiohead dropped a new single this week called “Burn The Witch” and it’s fucking gold. It sounds like a Smiths song and a Hitchcock film score hopped in bed together. I’ve listened to it twenty times over the past day, and now I’m afraid everyone is out to get me. It’s all of the paranoia of cocain...
George Will Is A Haughty Dipshit
George Will should have been left unemployed and starving ages ago. Newspapers are dying off and people despise the media more than they have ever despised the media—which is saying a lot—and yet here fucking George Will remains, along with the Noonans and Friedmans and Brookses of the world, gainfu...
What Is The Best Room For Holding An Orgy?
You may have heard that Tinder is testing out a new multi-person swipe function called Tinder Social that will, presumably, allow the nation’s swingers easier access to orgy participants and orgy planning. But how will YOU prepare for this erotic, utopian future where people are fucking in groups an...
The NFL’s Desperation For Quarterbacks Is Destroying Quarterbacks
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Preorder his new book here....
Does An Intentional Walk Ruin A No-Hitter?
Okay, so before I get into the Funbag, some quick appearance news. I’m gonna be at this big Towson sports career speaker series on draft night. It’s at the Greene Turtle (CLASSY), and open to the public. Also, next month, I’m gonna read the first couple of chapters from The Hike over at the Howard C...
Widehawks Look Terrible
We’re at the point now where the wide Mohawk haircut—clean-shaven on the sides, business at the back, party size of your choice up top—has become a staple hairstyle for athletes all over the world. But why? Why the fuck have so many athletes decided to rock extreme negburns and walk around looking l...
White Sox-Rays Game Delayed 12 Minutes After Fan Hit In The Eye By Foul Ball
Last night’s game in St. Petersburg featured a lengthy delay as a 63-year-old woman was stretchered out of the stadium after being struck in the eye by a foul ball that found its way through a gap in the safety netting....