balls Page 61 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Quit Bitchin', Start Voting: Round 1 Of The Bitchy Bracket Continues
Read the intro here and start voting below. You have until 11 a.m. EDT tomorrow. Vote for the other half of Round 1 here....
Who Are The Bitchiest, Most Defensive Fans In America?
Not long ago, our Billy Haisley wrote a post shitting on Major League Soccer. When you rip on American soccer, you can rest assured that a tidal bore of American soccer fanboy defensiveness is headed your way. It's almost as if they're all huddled together outside your house, waiting behind the shr...
Here's What Happened When We Hijacked The Hawks' Twitter Feed
When we first took over the Atlanta Hawks Twitter feed yesterday, the Hawks marketing department got a call from the NBA league office to alert them that their account had been hacked, probably because they saw this......
A March Madness Pool Scoring System That Doesn't Suck
Before we get to today's Funbag, a quick bit of news: I'll be singing the U.S. and Canadian anthems tonight at the Raptors-Hawks game in Atlanta. I've also taken over the Hawks' official Twitter feed (@ATLHawks) for the day. Or at least until they kick me off. So join me today for MAXIMUM HAWKITU...
Marlins Dad Abandons Son For Ground-Rule Double
There is something about retrieving baseballs that is hard-wired into the psyche of all adult males. Maybe it's a vestige of our hunter-gatherer path, but even the sanest of men can't help but drop everything and goofily run after a $17 ball. It's a poor job by evolution, because sometimes we drop o...
31 Buddy-Cop Clichés On <em>True Detective</em>
I really liked True Detective, and by the end of last night's wildly entertaining (and fucking terrifying) season finale, it became clear that the show is, at heart, your standard buddy-cop movie. It just happened to be brilliantly crafted, impeccably acted, stretched out to eight hours, and riddle...
Confessions Of A Nail-Biter
My mom suspended her college education in order to have kids, and so I was five years old when she finally received her bachelor's degree. We drove down to her school for a tasteful graduation luncheon. I remember they had free soda. At some point, while my mom was mingling with her classmates, I...
Would You Rather Have A Celebrity Autograph Or A Celebrity Selfie?
I was at an intersection on a six lane road the other day and I had to make a left. So in the opposite lane nearest to me, a Good Samaritan stopped to let me turn. The problem was that she was basically asking me to commit suicide, because motorists in the next two lanes over gave the zeroest of f...
The Dadspin Guide To The American Snow Day
It's snowing. Again. I live in an area where the arrival of half a snowflake results in the absolute cessation of all business and public transport and hospital respirators, so school is closed. For the 90th fucking time. At this rate, my children will learn to read sometime around 2085....
The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Oscars
Oh hey, the Oscars are on Sunday night! And congratulations to America’s celebrities for enduring another painfully long and arduous awards season. YOU POOR THINGS! Being shuttled from red carpet to red carpet, forced to wear nice clothes, asked the same dumb questions over and over again (“How’s...
The Case For New York City As Greatest City In The World
There was some rumor going around about a Space Jam sequel last week starring LeBron James. Now, I hated that movie. I didn't even like it in the ironic way that some people like it because it was badly acted or whatever. But anyway, the guy who directed Space Jam was a legendary ad director name...
Who Cares About Jadeveon Clowney's "Motor"? (Assholes, That's Who.)
Guys, I'm concerned about Jadeveon Clowney. Oh sure, he ran a sub-4.5 40 today at the combine and is perhaps the best athlete to enter the draft in recent memory. But fuck all that. What I really want to know is ... HOW IS HIS MOTOR?! Twitter, can you be of service?...
How To Prevent Your Spine From Turning To Mush
Hey, you! Mr. Spry Twenty-Five-Year-Old! Feeling pretty limber these days, eh? Going out and CRUSHING beers and playing campus golf and bending over to pick up entire crates of taco meat. Life's pretty swell for you! Well, I have fun news for you, sport. PAIN IS COMING. So much pain. One day...
The Last-Minute Hater's Guide To Canada
If you're as dedicated as I am to not doing anything, you're surely spending this afternoon watching the United States square off against Canada in the Olympic ice hockey semifinals. CANADA! Those horse-mounting salmon eaters needed to bribe a fucking post yesterday just to beat our women's team. ...
Why Non-Assholes Always Want To Prove Themselves To Assholes
So I was reading through the Wells report on the Martin/Incognito affair, which reads like an updated version of the Stanford Prison Experiment, and there was one passage that stuck out for me:...
Leave Bob Costas Alone!
I have had my share of fun goofing on Bob Costas over the years. He is NBC's resident nostalgia elf, and every Sunday night during football season he climbs up on his big-boy chair and arranges himself in that self-satisfied, half-canted way of his and delivers unto you, the common folk, a halftime...
Michael Sam Shouldn't Have To Do This Alone
So Missouri defensive end Michael Sam came out publicly last night to the New York Times (he had already been out to his teammates since before the season) and roughly 30 minutes after the RAINBOWSTREAM MEDIA broke out in celebration, the Distraction Factory cranked up in the form of these eight ano...