ballsdeep Page 16 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
2017 America Is The Perfect Hellscape For A Free O.J. Simpson
We have all manner of business to get to before digging into the Funbag, the most pressing of which is that WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS begins soon. That means you should send your entries into the email link above, and you should do it sooner rather than later because I’ve been having to close submissions ...
Who Has The Best Hair In Sports?<em></em>
Are you in Denver right now? WHAT A COINCIDENCE, so am I! Why it’s like we’re practically family. Anyway, I have a reading at the Tattered Cover tonight. Come out and try to guess if I smoked legal weed BEFORE the signing, or if I had the willpower and professionalism to wait until afterward....
I Can’t Get Enough Of This Batshit Crazy Lena Dunham Dog Story<em></em>
Listen man, I know you don’t usually come to this site looking for information about Girls creator and world’s most obvious Oberlin alum Lena Dunham, but you gotta hear about this shit with the dog she gave up and the shelter that absolutely demolished her online....
Parsley Isn’t Just For Losers
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re talking menu boards, pets, pubes, ad music, and more....
Dig A Hole At The Beach
I’ve been taking my kids to the beach for years now and in that time we have brought along any number of cumbersome, worthless beach toys: bulldozers and rakes and sand trowels and bad frisbees and this little wheel thingie where you put water in the top and it makes the wheel go spin-spin. I have c...
Will The Han Solo Movie Suck?<em></em>
Last week the Star Wars braintrust shitcanned directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller from the upcoming Han Solo spinoff movie, and replaced them with longtime Ron “Opie Cunningham is a BASTARD” Howard. Should this concern the LEGENDARY FANS OF STAR WARS NATION, or does this movie still have a chance t...
Late Lunch Is Horseshit<em></em>
I was on a plane last week and I was sitting behind a mom traveling alone with two tiny kids. For the last half hour of the flight, the toddler was screaming her head off. Now, that’s not the interesting part. Toddlers scream on airplanes all the time, which is why most people bring along headphones...
What's The Best Store To Daydream About Robbing?<em></em>
Before we get down into the guts of the Funbag, some very dry and tedious busywork: First, I got a newsletter now, because making people sign up for spam is the hot new thing in tech. Secondly, I got another book tour coming next month. I wish there were tour shirts to go with it, like when Megadeth...
And Now, Some Incredible Things Your Pets Have Eaten
Last night my dog ate a shitload of flour off the floor when I spilled it, which seemed bad until I tweeted out the story and learned that readers’ pets have perpetrated far, far worse culinary crimes. Here now are some of the best:...
The NFL Machine Has Finally Beaten Colin Kaepernick<em></em>
This week, the Seahawks signed Austin Davis to back up Russell Wilson. I don’t need to tell you that Austin Davis is a shitty quarterback. He didn’t play a single snap in 2016, and in 2015 he started two games for Cleveland and promptly committed five turnovers. In terms of statistics, physical attr...
Is An Unbeaten Playoff Run More Impressive Than 73 Wins?
Your letters:...
The Nine Scariest-Ass Things About Owning A House<em></em>
I own a house and the thing about home ownership is that it is a lifetime project. At any given moment, there is something about the house that needs addressing. There is always a PROJECT, and some homeowners like having such projects. They like to constantly spruce things up and tend to the landsca...
Children And Sunscreen: A Guide To Summer Hell
Every year I look forward to summer before remembering that summer is, in fact, hell. There are bugs. There is swampass. There are bored children punching each other for sport. And there is suntan lotion. Ohhhhhh, suntan lotion. Oh how I DESPISE you with a concentrated fury. Is there a more necessar...
Should NBA Games Play To A Score Instead Of A Clock?<em></em>
Your letters:...
IMPORTANT: I Would Not Bone A Vampire
Recently, I got into an argument with a series of colleagues surrounding the very simple question: If vampires were real, would you have sex with one?...
Will Cars Ever Die?<em></em>
Before we get into the Funbag, here are some quick announcements. First of all, I started a newsletter, which you can subscribe to here if you feel like doing that to yourself. Secondly, The Hike comes out in paperback on July 4. There will be a small tour, with the requisite drinking and merriment....
Humorless Butthole Roger Goodell Concludes That Fun Is Good<em></em>
Good news for you, valued NFL customer! After a string of long, pizza-less nights, and after a handful of forced interrogations with acceptably polite NFL players, and after Jerry Jones probably ordered him around for a bit, commissioner Roger Goodell would like you to know that the league has decid...
Walk: A Message To The Class Of 2017
It’s grad season again, and this year’s crop of commencement addresses promises to ring even more hollow than usual now that graduating seniors are leaving school to step into the End Times. I mean, really: what fucking good is gonna come from you hearing about working hard and/or growing from your ...
How The Wizards Ended Up With The Worst Team Name In Sports
Your letters:...