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Sports Sounds, Ranked
I was tired and sore the other day so I took a bath for the first time in, like, 20 years. It was a bad idea. There’s no way for a man my age to sit down in a bathtub without pulling eight different muscle groups. Once I finally lowered myself down, I didn’t fit in it at all. I had to do a kind of b...
The 2017 Hater’s Guide To The Oscars<em></em>
Oh God, it’s Oscar time again. Just what I needed in the middle of the fucking apocalypse. Donald Trump is President. Russia has hacked all of our phones and is actively watching us masturbate. And every public school is going to teach your kids that gay people come from the fucking moon. These are ...
24 Questions I Have About <i>The Accountant<em></em></i>
I watched The Accountant on an airplane last week because that’s the kind of movie you watch on an airplane. And even though it effectively bled two hours off the flight, I have many questions:...
I Can’t Stop Playing This Shitty iPhone Football Game<em></em>
Football season is over, which means that I am forced to fill the gaping void in my life with booze, drugs, utterly worthless draft speculation, whatever has been gathering dust on the DVR, and (oh God) family interaction. OR DO I? You fellow GAMERS like me out there (I play games on my phone, whic...
How Many Squares Of TP Do You Use Per Wipe?
Hey, it’s Valentine’s Day! They actually banned candy from valentines at my kid’s school this year. I assume this is because at least one child in the class has a deadly LOVE allergy. Regardless, the candy ban instantly rendered Valentine’s Day meaningless to every student. They’re now as indifferen...
Twitter Must Die<em></em>
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here. ...
No One Is Happy For The Patriots<em></em>
Let’s start with the obvious, which is that (gun to head) the Patriots are the greatest dynasty in NFL history. Bill Belichick is the greatest coach in history. Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in history, with last night being the definitive instance of him performing football miracles with li...
Proposal: They Should Make <i>Sherlock</i> Into Movies<em></em>
The fourth season of Sherlock came and went, and it’s altogether possible that there won’t be a fifth one, because Benedict Cumberbatch is a huge fucking movie star now, and Martin Freeman isn’t far behind. These are busy men, and getting them together with creators Steven Moffatt and Mark Gatiss (w...
The Darkest Super Bowl
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here....
Why Do So Many Goddamn Sportswriters Watch <i>The Bachelor</i>?
If there’s one thing I know about old sportswriters, it’s that they love Bruce Springsteen. HURRRRR WELL DURRRRR ME AND SALLY WE COULDA MADE IT BUT THEN I LOST MY UNION CARD BRRRRGHH....
Your Most Disgusting Poop Stories Are Very Disgusting<em></em>
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here....
San Diego Chargers Fans Got Fucked To The Last
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here....
Chris Berman Was The Worst<em></em>
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here....
