bears Page 58 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
It's The NFC North Pants Party
OK, now it's time for the NFC Central North. We haven't seen anybody pick anybody other than the Bears yet. We suspect it won't be much different here....
Trees Are No Match For Vols Fans
Ah, the classic liberal enclave of Berkeley. Aging hippies, still listening to Workingman's Dead on 33 rpm, railing against the capitalist system and eating all kinds of food that tastes terrible. Where would we be without them? They remind us of what college campuses used to be like, before everybo...
A Report From One Of Briggs' Fellow Motorists
Now that Bears linebacker Lance Briggs has confirmed he was the one driving that Lamborghini Monday morning that was left on the Edens Expressway in Chicago — he's giving some ridiculous explanations too — we are happy to provide you with a report from a reader who was right next to Briggs' car last...
Where Not To Park Your Lamborghini
Whenever Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs wakes up, groggy, confused, wondering where his car is, we hope he turns on CBS-2 in Chicago. There, he will learn exactly where his car is. Sorry: His Lamborghini....
NFL Season Preview: Chicago Bears
Believe it or not, folks, the NFL season is much closer than you can possibly imagine. So close, in fact, that, if we're going to fit in every NFL team preview by the start of the season, we have to go this early. So there you have it....
Do NOT ... Go In There. WOOO!
It's perfectly acceptable to vent frustration after a lousy inning of relief pitching. (Fernando Rodney does it all the time.) But here's a lesson to all those up-and-coming pitchers: if you plan to exact physical damage in the dugout bathroom after such an outing, make sure you have an escape route...
Tank Johnson Is Not Drunk, But Drunk Enough
So, with word coming out that beleaguered Chicago Bear Tank Johnson actually being under the legal limit in his DUI arrest a couple of weeks ago — the one that ultimately forced his release from the Bears — the guy should be out of the woods and all set and good again, right?...
And Suddenly That Giant Hog Story Looks So Unimpressive
We like bears. As Robert Klein once said, they are the most helpful of all the animals. "If you have to be stuck in an elevator, it might as well be with a bear. 'Can you reach up there, bear?' 'Well, I think I can try ...' " But when a bear is attacking your six-year-old son, there's only one thing...
Tank Johnson Would Like To Be The Face Of The NFL
In case you were wondering, being involved in a shooting incident in Vegas — though you didn't fire the weapon and all you really did was hang out with shady people and try to get your money back after a rather ill-advised "making it rain" incident — will earn you a one-year suspension from the NFL....
Taint Sweat Sold Separately
Say what you will about the intensity of Bears fans, but some bits of memorabilia are out of the range of reasonable and rational thought, even to them....
The Seventh Floor Crew Takes Over The NFL
At the end of the first round of the NFL Draft on Saturday, the defending NFC champion Chicago Bears drafted tight end Greg Olsen. If you don't recognize Olsen's name, you can hark back to the halcyon days of November 2005, when Olsen dropped some beats as a member of the Seventh Floor Crew. (He's n...
Brian Urlacher Deplenished Of $100 Grand Worth Of Fluid
OK, so we'll say it: We don't find Gatorade the slightest bit replenishing. We think it mostly tastes like urine distilled through a coffee machine, but that's less to the point; when we work out, the last thing we want is a sugary thick beverage. We're working out to lose calories; why would we wan...
Devin Hester Is Virtually Fast
If you're like us — and Lord help you if you are — much of the summer is spent counting down the days until the new version of Madden is released. (This year, the Buzzsaw is gonna be good! Leinart to Boldin ... Buzzsaw!) Even though the NFL Draft still hasn't happened, they've already released some ...
And Then The Woodpeckers Arrived, And Suddenly It Was All Over
It's the story you've heard so many times before: Your local university wants to expand its athletic facilities, but construction is thwarted because there are naked people living in the trees. Cal's plan to cut down a grove of oak trees on campus to build a $125 million athletic training center has...
Tank Johnson Needs The Squirrel Master
Tank Johnson, the troubled Chicago Bears defensive lineman who was recently sentenced to 120 days in prison, is having problems making new friends in his new home. He's in protective custody, which means he's not having any contact with other inmates. When he first came into booking, though, Tank wa...
He Might Want To Lay Off The Nickname In Jail
So, for all of those who were losing faith in the justice system, you might this morning find yourself with some faith: Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson is going to serve some jail time for the probation violation that involved all the, you know, artillery. A judge in Chicago sentenced him to 12...
Brian Urlacher, Gleefully Handsy
What better way to start off your Friday morning than a Facebook photo of Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher grabbing a boob. A real, natural boob, too!...
Hey, Why Is Kenny Chesney Suddenly Calling Me?
In our original neck of the woods in Mattoon, Ill., NFL loyalties are rather split. Some people root for the Chicago Bears (four hours away), some root for the Indianapolis Colts (90 minutes away) and some odd souls hopped on the Rams bandwagon (two hours away). (Some insane people stuck with the fo...
Also, He Hired Snipers Outside The Training Facility, Just To Make It "Interesting"
What boxers put themselves through while training for a fight can border on the inhuman; if Rocky IV is to be believed, it's so rough that sometimes they're forced to grow a beard just to survive. Current world cruiserweight champion O'Neil Bell added a new wrinkle to the training process: throwing ...
Todd Bozeman Is Disappointed In Your Selection Of Deli Meat
We had to hold this story until the end of the day, because we can't stop laughing about it. Remember Todd Bozeman, the former California Golden Bears basketball coach who was fired and banned by the NCAA for eight years for paying a recruit's family $30,000. Well he's back coaching again, at Morgan...