champ Page 80 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Borussia Dortmund And Legia Warsaw Combined To Score A Zillion Goals Today
Legia Warsaw played Borussia Dortmund in a Champions League match today. Each team scored multiple times. Here is one of the goals scored in the game today:...
Cristiano Ronaldo Played Like Shit Yesterday
The most shocking scoreline of yesterday’s round of Champions League matches was definitely the 3-3 draw between reigning European champions Real Madrid and Polish giants (but European minnows) Legia Warsaw. How could a team of Gareth Bale, Karim Benzema, and—above all—Cristiano Ronaldo fail to beat...
Bill Murray Douses Reporters With Champagne
The ever-incorrigible Bill Murray dropped by the Cubs’ clubhouse tonight to celebrate with his favorite team, and gave reporters standing by a taste of victory champagne—whether they wanted it or not....
The Champions League Was Lousy With Great Goals Today
The Champions League is the best collection of great teams and players that there is in the sport. Sometimes, all those great teams and players conspire to do a bunch of great things all on the same day. Today was one of those glorious days....
If Mesut Özil Keeps Scoring Like This, The World Better Watch Out
In Arsenal’s blowout win against Ludogorets yesterday, Mesut Özil scored three goals in the second half. I repeat: Mesut “I Live To Pass And I Never, Ever Shoot So Don’t Ask Me To” Özil scored a hat trick yesterday in the Champions League, increasing his season tally to six goals in 10 games. This i...
Lionel Messi Must Really Hate Pep Guardiola And England
If there have been two criticisms that have followed Lionel Messi around though his career like yappy little dogs nipping at his ankles—too insignificant to be an actual threat, and just persistent enough to register as a minor annoyance—they have been these: First, he had the good fortune of playin...
Arsenal Are Out Here Just Embarrassing These Jamokes
This is the happy time in every Arsenal season. Everyone is healthy, their world-class players are playing up to their reputations, their really good players are playing out of their minds, and their title dreams still seem eminently, thrillingly tangible. In today’s Champions League match against L...
Noah Droddy Has Been Called Majestic: That's Not The Half Of It
Nobody was taking Noah Droddy’s picture, which seemed strange considering the rail-thin runner’s recent rise to relative fame has been as much about his sensational (for the track world) ill brah appearance as his fast races, and the unlikely combo of the two. ...
Will Muschamp Is Bleeding For Some Reason
South Carolina’s losing to Georgia, and head coach Will Muschamp has blood on his face. It appears to be his....
UEFA Fines Celtic Over Fans Flying The Palestinian Flag
A large group of Celtic fans waved Palestinian flags before a Champions League preliminary game against Israeli club Hapoel Be’er Shevae last month. This morning, UEFA announced that they would be fining the club €10,000 for the protest because it violated a UEFA rule regarding the use of political ...
Aleksandar Mitrović Damn Near Kills Teammate In A Fit Of Ecstasy
Newcastle fought back from a 3-2 deficit against Norwich yesterday with two stoppage time goals to snatch a 4-3 win. Obviously, this had everyone super fuckin’ amped. None more so than Aleksandar Mitrović, who was so caught up in the moment that he almost snapped the winning goalscorer’s neck in cel...
Fernando Torres Does A Fernando Torres
Fernando Torres must’ve felt some kind of way about Edinson Cavani threatening to usurp El Niño’s hard-earned title as The World’s Foremost Sitter-Misser, so he went and did this:...
Brilliant Shithead Cristiano Ronaldo Had A Brilliant, Shitheaded Game Yesterday
As everyone knows, Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the greatest soccer players of all time. He’s also an obnoxious, petulant brat prone to sneaky acts of outright violence when he feels aggrieved. All sides of CR7 were on display during yesterday’s Real Madrid-Borussia Dortmund match....
America's Beautiful Wonderteen, Christian Pulisic, Just Ran Through Real Madrid<em></em>
Borussia Dortmund, one of the world’s very best soccer teams, found themselves down against Real Madrid, the most famous sports team on the planet, in a Champions League match today. Looking to change the game, they turned to a goddamn American child, 18-year-old Christian Pulisic, to save the day. ...
Known Man-Eating Fish Strikes England, Devours Goalkeeping Coach On Pitch
A tragedy was narrowly avoided this weekend when a gigantic, basketball jersey-clad fish, presumably hired as the halftime entertainment for the day’s Derby County-Blackburn match, attacked a poor goalkeeping coach in the middle of its act. Luckily, the man was not seriously harmed....
Leicester City Aren't Done Yet
Leicester City won the Premier League last season, so this year they’re in the Champions League. Let me repeat that: Leicester City, a team that three seasons ago was happily dashing about in England’s second tier, somehow plucked up more points than Manchester United and Arsenal and Liverpool and C...
Edinson Cavani Is A Hero
Maybe we’ve been looking at this all wrong. Maybe Edinson Cavani—the once world-bestriding striker who now seems trapped in his own private purgatory, one where his intelligent movement and powerful runs allow him to crash through defenses at will, only for all semblance of confidence and skill and ...
Here's Barcelona, Literally Walking The Ball Into The Net
Great goals come in all shapes and sizes. A particularly satisfying kind of wondergoal is the one where the players tip-tap the ball between each other, snaking their way through the entire defense with technique and quickness rather than brute physicality, and only sliding the ball over the goal li...
Here's Why Yaya Touré Was Left Off Manchester City's Champions League Roster
When last we heard talk of Yaya Touré, it involved Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola extolling the virtues of the star midfielder he nevertheless had repeatedly refused to include in City’s matchday squads. Guardiola remarked that the Ivorian was “training amazing,” but because the manager expec...
Here Is Your Champions League Group Stage Draw
The Champions League playoff round finished up yesterday—Roma losing on aggregate 4-1 to Porto and Ajax losing 5-2 to Rostov were the most consequential results—which means we are on to the group stage! Here are the groups that were drawn today:...