closer Page 9 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Ooof, Stars, That'll Leave a Mark
The NHL Closer is written by five checking-line centers from Melt Your Face Off. When we're not receiving praise for our work ethic, we're taking shots to kill the pain from blocking shots. Raskolnikov momentarily stopped playing along the boards to write this recap....
Jon Lester Is Unbreakable
From Victor Conte and Barry Bonds to Brian McNamee and Roger Clemens, baseball has given us every reason in the world lately to be cynical, and yet we are not. The reason for that became evident once again on Monday night in Boston, when Jon Lester — who had beaten cancer just over a year ago — thre...
Back To The Future! (For The Spurs)
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who feels like he's watched Spurs-Lakers in the playoffs about a jillion times over the years. Or maybe it's just been Spurs-Whoever. When he's not misremembering his playoff history, he can be found mourning the death of the New Orleans dream at Basketbawfu...
Penguins Return Home For Game Five, Get Back In The Habit
The NHL Closer is written by the five pillars of piety from Melt Your Face Off. When not serving the needy, sick, poor and uneducated, they can be found sneaking sips from the Baptismal Font. Weed Against Speed somehow got his hands on the keys to the Popemobile, so let's take this sucker out for a ...
Mets Live Again After Feeding On Yankees' Corpse
Those who live there would know better than I, but doesn't there seem to be a weighty, menacing cloud hovering over the Yankees these days? That's your last-place New York Yankees, who lost to the Metropolitans, 11-2, on Sunday to complete a two-game sweep. Is Oliver Perez supposed to be beating Chi...
The Truth Really <em>Does</em> Hurt. Just Ask LeBron and The Cavaliers
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who watched some legendary basketball yesterday. When he's not being really freaking impressed by Paul Pierce and LeBron James, he can be found being...really freaking impressed by Paul Pierce and Lebron James at Basketbawful. Enjoy!...
Don't Mess With the Johan
Johan Santana wasn't exactly perfect, but he gave the Mets enough to top the Yankees in the Subway Series. The Mets ace, who could have been a Yankee for the right price, surrendered three home runs but he improved to 5-2 on the season thanks to his teammates. Billy Wagner took the cellphone out of...
Cavs Win, Fans Of Basketball Lose
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who felt like he got punched in the nuts twice last night. When he's not sort of hating himself for loving the wrong teams, he can be found weeping softly at Basketbawful. Enjoy!...
Is It Werth It, Let Me Work It
There's been a lot of hand wringing in Philadelphia as of late over Ryan Howard's lack of offensive production (not to mention his arrest), but Jayson Werth is picking up the slack. Werth victimized Toronto's David Purcey for two of his three home runs and seven of his eight RBI with a grand slam an...
I Am Jack's NHL Closer
The NHL Closer is written by the five Project Mayhem operatives at Melt Your Face-Off. Should Malkin start aiming his wristers at our eye sockets, and one of us doesn't make it out alive, you will henceforth know him as Robert Paulsen. Today, Hextall454 puts down the soap to give you the Keystone re...
The Problem With The Padres? Tight Booties
What's wrong with the Padres? With Thursday's 4-0 loss to the Cubs, our Closest Team to Mexico is at 15-27, the worst record in the majors ... that's more horrible than Detroit, folks. The big reason seems to be the strikeouts-per-at-bats ratio, or as scientists call it, tight booties. Just listen ...
Cheap Shot Rob Strikes. <em>Again</em>.
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's going to just start flopping, hacking and thugging people from behind in his pickup league. If anybody says anything, he can just tell them that he's playing "championship basketball." When he's not figuring out new ways to sweep the leg, he can be fou...
Cubs Have Second-Best Record In Baseball! (Me No Like Bizarro World)
If it weren't for those insufferable Diamondbacks, who play in the NL West and therefore should only get to count every other win, the Chicago Cubs would be our new overlords. As it is the Northsiders have a 24-16 record after their 8-5 win over the Padres on Wednesday, one game worse than Arizona's...
A Tale Thirty-Three Years in the Making?
The NHL Closer is written by five epic heroes from Melt Your Face Off. When not slaying the monsters on goalie masks, they constantly polish their swords. Raskolnikov recounts last night's act of valor....
All Together: There Really IS No Place Like Home
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's starting to think HE could beat one of these squads on his homecourt. That's how impossible it is for NBA teams to win on the road right now. When he's not having delusions of grandeur here, he can be found having delusion of grandeur at Basketbawful....
Philly Got Rolled Up, Smoked By Pittsburgh
The NHL Closer is written by five hockeyfarians from Melt Your Face Off. When not crafting paraphernalia out of a hockey stick, athletic tape and a puck (yeah, man, a puck!), they can be found hanging out, keeping it mellow and doing their thing. So kick back and relax, because Weed Against Speed ha...
Big Doings In The Land Of Sunshine And Sharks
Removing the Devil from their name proved to be a winning exorcism for the Tampa Bay Rays, who solved the unsolvable Mariano Rivera to ascend to first place in the AL East. Gabe Gross singled with no outs in the 11th to drive in the first run Rivera has allowed this season in a 2-1 victory over the...
Pistons Use Avada Kedavra Curse, Eliminate Magic From Playoffs
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's really starting to hate Gregg Popovich. When he's not nodding off due to Pop's slow-it-the-hell-down style of coaching, he can be found making raspberries at Basketbawful. Enjoy!...
Here Come The Red Wings ... Duck!
The NHL Closer is written by the Five Horsemen of the Apuckalypse from Melt Your Face Off. When not poring over the Book of Revelation for clues as to how to finally take out Gary Bettman, they can be found discovering new and inventive ways to commit blasphemy, blog-style. Weed Against Speed takes ...
Zero To Three In Six Seconds
Somewhere, Neal Ball and Bill Wambsganss are smiling (which is creepy, because they're dead). They finally get to welcome another member into the Cleveland Unassisted Triple Play Club, as Asdrubal Cabrera made the magic happen on Monday night against the Blue Jays. It was the 14th unassisted triple ...