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The Amazing True Story Of My Exploding Balls
The hardest part was shaving my balls. Before you go in for your vasectomy, the literature says, you should hop in the shower and shave all the hair off the surgical area. I called the office the day before surgery to confirm that I had to do this....
Goalie's Family Celebrates And Cries After He Wins His NHL Debut
Sharks rookie netminder Troy Grosenick didn't just get his first NHL start yesterday, and he didn't merely win. He shut out the Hurricanes with 45 saves. And his family was there to see it....
Times Of Day To Have Some Damn Peace And Quiet Around Here, Ranked
When you are a Sad Dad, one of the things you spend the most time pining for—after, like, an actual grown-up date with your spouse, a window of more than five minutes in which to take a shower, and relief from the constant background awareness of your own bottomless inadequacy—is some damn peace and...
My Kid’s Insane List Of Reasons To Be Thankful, Annotated
I have an 8-year-old who has something of an overactive imagination, which is a good thing for a child to have, in theory. There are entire 10,000-word think pieces and scientific studies now about how all playgrounds should be replaced with an open field and a giant barrel of sticks so that kids...
My Third-Grader, The Politician
Election Day, always a big event in D.C., was a whole lot bigger than normal here this year, if only in the McKenna household. Neither control of the U.S. Senate nor the fate of Obamacare factored into its bigness. Nah. This was all about Eddie running for office....
Steve Ballmer Comes On Strong With The Embarrassing Dadness
Clippers owner Steve Ballmer was doing his Steve Ballmer thing throughout his team's home opener, but the highlight of his hootin' and hollerin' came right after the final whistle, when Ballmer wielded his daddish intensity (dadtensity) to embarrass and frighten his son, as all good dads know how to...
Madison Bumgarner's Dad Is The Best Sports Dad
One bizarre side effect of turning in one of the best postseason pitching runs in MLB history is that the New York Times will send a reporter out to North Carolina to interview your dad saying just the dad-est possible things. So meet Kevin Bumgarner, proud father of the reigning World Series MVP,...
Cops: Vols Fan Made Teen Son Drink Until He Passed Out
A Tennessee man was charged with contributing to the delinquency of a child and aggravated child abuse and neglect for allegedly making his 15-year-old son play a drinking game with him as they watched the Volunteers' game against Oklahoma Saturday....
I Turned Out OK In Spite Of Corporal Punishment, Not Because Of It
Drew Magary's post yesterday on corporal punishment and parenting inspired a great deal of feedback, including a long, thoughtful email from a reader named Jason Mello, which, with his permission, we've reprinted below. ...
Why Do People Hit Their Kids?
There's an old episode of What's Happening!! where Roger fucks up, and his mom decides to beat his ass (this is actually the plot of every episode of What's Happening!!). So his mom asks Rerun for his belt, only Rerun is 300-plus pounds, so when he takes out his belt, it's like eight feet long. ...
Be Cool Like I Used To Be: A Nervous Father's Guide To <em>Boyhood</em>
The main thing that qualifies me to write about Richard Linklater's Boyhood from a panicked new-ish father's perspective is that I had to wait three weeks to see Boyhood even after all the rapturous reviews came out, on account of having fled New York City in terror a couple years ago so I would...
White And Needy: What I Learned From Richard Ford's Sportwriter Trilogy
Be they neurotic, tragic, horny, or (preferably) all of the above, white guys entering midlife have plenty of novels to reference on their journey. But John Updike's Rabbit series, Philip Roth's Nathan Zuckerman books, and the like don't offer real-world models of behavior any more than Slim Shady p...
Peyton Manning Scolds College Kids, Achieves Maximum Dadness
The New York Daily News has a cool story about hanging out at the Manning family's annual summer football camp—which is less of a camp at this point and more of a pilgrimage site for thousands of wannabe NFL players—and there are some entertaining anecdotes in there about Peyton, Eli, and Archie. Bu...
"Next Week ... Is My Seventh Funeral For Someone Younger Than Me"
Drew Magary's piece this week on over-competitive kids (and parents) mentioned Fairfax, Va.'s prestigious W.T. Woodson High School, where six students have committed suicide in the past three years. Below is a lengthy, remarkable letter we've received from Ryan Mull, a recent Woodson graduate. ...
Brett Favre Unqualified To Discuss Safety Of Football, Says Sportswriter
Only the parents of boys are welcome in the discussion of whether it's unsafe to let children play football. So says Mike Florio, a collectible commemorative helmet-phone in the employ of NBC Sports, who's mad at Brett Favre for expressing reservations about whether he'd encourage his non-existent ...
Why I Love <em>So You Think You Can Dance</em>, Dopey (Or Dead) Dads And All
Less than 10 minutes into the first episode of the 11th season of Fox's So You Think You Can Dance, a contestant's dad was onstage dancing to "Blurred Lines." To begin, he set a water bottle on the floor before him, and then, as though initiating an ancient mating ritual, he approached and hovered a...
Down With America's Kid-Competition Complex
I was at a parent's night at my kid's school a couple of years ago—one of those things where you go to the school at night to meet the kid's teacher and eat a cookie and listen as the teacher tells you all the shit they do in class every day, and then you nod your head in approval. "Ah, yes. MUSIC...
The World Cup Is Your Kid’s Last Hope
I have three kids, and I have resigned myself to the fact that they will never be sports fans in the way that I am a sports fan. They'll never waste time perusing box scores in the newspaper because newspapers are old and dead. They'll never pledge loyalty to one local team because they have fantasy...
Man Holding Kid Casually Catches Troy Tulowitzki's Home Run Ball
Troy Tulowitzki's two-run homer in today's Rockies-Giants game created a solid Father's Day moment for one man in the stands. Catching a home run with one bare hand while carrying a kid was no big deal to this dude....
Dad In Brazil Blows Up His Protesting Son's Spot, Tells Him To Get A Job
There you are, trying to join in on the great social movement of your young life, chants in your mouth, shirt covering your face. But then dad sees you, pulls the shirt off your face, and makes you go home. Goddammit, dad....