damn Page 2 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Look At This Fucking Disaster<em></em>
I know you are long since numb to it, and I know every day is worse than the last, but I’d like you to remember just how fucking embarrassing yesterday, October 3, 2017, was for humanity. Behold our gnome-handed buffoon of a president, wearing his finest emergency golf windbreaker, jump-shooting pap...
Marcell Ozuna Sent This Pitch To Goddamn Neptune
Marcell Ozuna is NOT a fan of the Rays’ 2011 AL Wild Card banner and he will do anything he can to see it die....
Mike Pence Is A Fucking Joke<em></em>
Say hello to our Elderly Lego Man Vice President, wearing his varsity Vice Presidenting jacket and standing, with an intensity reserved almost exclusively for constipation sufferers, near the Demilitarized Zone separating North and South Korea. Supposedly, Pence wasn’t meant to go outside during his...
Look At This Fucking Asshole<em></em>
Behold idiot son-in-law Jared Kushner—the man now in charge of brokering Middle East peace, Uberizing the federal government, reforming the entire criminal justice system, and keeping Donald Trump’s hands off his wife. This perfect still frame from a David O. Russell film has also been put in charge...
It's Always Nice To Get Another Peek At LeBron James's Genius
The “LeBron as cyborg” trope may get old with repetition, but it’s also just ... true? It is true. We’ve been presented with more evidence that he is a post-human basketball genius than otherwise. And while it’s hard to add anything truly novel to the conversation about James, it does happen occasio...
Steph Curry Nailed This Shot From Goddamn Mars
I’m not sure Steph Curry is ever truly out of shooting range, and he should be deputized to chuck from wherever he damn well pleases. Tonight, he tossed off a double-pump heave from two-thirds court or so, and he swished it. Sadly, it didn’t count....
Big Boy Jim Harbaugh Enjoys Huge Glass Of Milk With Large Steak<em></em>
“Would you like a drink to pair with your hunk of steak?” “Yes, can I see your two percent list?”...
Edwin Encarnacion Hit A Walk-Off To Goddamn Mars To Put The Blue Jays Through
The Blue Jays beat the Orioles in the eleventh inning of tonight’s Wild Card game thanks to a huge three-run dinger from Edwin Encarnacion. Encarnacion was the third batter that Ubaldo Jimenez faced after he came into the game with one out in the eleventh. He allowed both baserunners to reach on sin...
Alex Dickerson Hit This Pitch To Goddamn Jupiter
Get a load of this towering dinger that Alex Dickerson sent to the fifth deck up in Toronto tonight. Dickerson’s historic blast (more on this after the dong) went so high that the Fox Sports cameras lost it in the sky....
Bryce Harper Hit This Pitch To Goddamn Saturn
If you throw that fastball as straight as an arrow and lay it right over the middle of the plate, you’re liable to watch it fly all the way out of the ballpark. Bud Norris did just that against Bryce Harper, who proceeded to jerk a big dong to the third deck....
Nelson Cruz Sent This Pitch To Goddamn Pluto
The Seattle Mariners wrapped up a sweep of the Oakland A’s today in the Bay Area, and the club is now first in the AL West (the A’s are weirdly twice as good on the road than at home this season, perhaps owing to the fact that their stadium is a cavernous wind trap without adequate plumbing.) Seattl...
Kyle Lowry Halfcourt Bomb Sends Game 1 To Overtime
Kyle Lowry had been struggling all game, until the bitter end of Toronto’s opening game against Miami, when he hit this absolute moonshot to tie the game at 90 and send it to overtime. The Heat had it just about sealed up (TNT read the credits and everything) until they got too lackadaisical, got ca...
Giancarlo Stanton Sent This Justin Verlander Pitch To Goddamn Mars
Justin Verlander didn’t allow a hit through five innings to the Miami Marlins this evening, but once Miami woke up (presumably because Barry Bonds dispensed a few pieces of sage wisdom), they really started hitting the dogpiss out of the ball. ...
A Good Goalie Goal
The Lethbridge Hurricanes of the Western Hockey League clinched their division with a 9-3 win over the Medicine Hat Tigers last night, and one of those nine was a bomb from Stuart Skinner all way from the other end....
Sabres' Dave Legwand Scores On The Blue Jackets From Goddamn Mars
Dave Legwand was just trying to get this puck the hell out of his half so he could end his penalty-killing shift, but he messed around and zapped a goal past rookie Blue Jackets keeper Joonas Korpisalo....
Russell Wilson Googled "How To Describe A Beautiful Woman" To Find Something Nice To Say About Ciara
Yesterday was Woman Crush Wednesday on Twitter, so Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson decided to offer an encomium to the light and love of his life, Ciara:...
Jamie Collins Is A Freak
The most noteworthy play of Sunday night’s Patriots-Colts game was Indy’s trick play that never should have been snapped, but it’s also worth taking a second to marvel at Jamie Collins clearing the Colts’ line to block an extra point attempt. He timed his leap with the snap perfectly, and used his l...
This Guy Is The Highlight Of The Miami Heat's Dance Team Auditions
Keith Wilson didn’t make the Miami Heat’s final squad, but he did leave everything out on the court in his audition soundtracked by Beyoncé. The 28-year-old dance teacher has attended tryouts since 2012, and though he hasn’t made the cut yet, he’s happy that the Heat give him the opportunity. Now, w...
A Flock Of Flaccos
Joe Flacco tweeted this photo of the Flacco clan, from back when they were all kids. Look at all those damn Flaccos....