A transcript to the best of our abilities, for the hearing impaired, can be found below:

Pete Rose will not be a part of Fox’s studio show for the MLB playoffs. Rose, who served as an analyst for the last two seasons, will be replaced by David Ortiz and Keith Hernandez.

Dustin Pedroia, Anthony Mackie, Bill Burr, and improvisational quarter keg Rob Gronkowski showed up at a roast for David Ortiz yesterday. Gronk’s material was clearly prewritten; Pedroia’s was supposedly not. One was clearly funnier than the other.

Bobby Valentine’s one season as manager of the Red Sox came with plenty of drama and openly expressed frustration, ending with the team’s worst record in nearly a half-century. It’s not surprising, then, that David Ortiz doesn’t have any fond memories of Valentine to share in his new book, Papi: My Story.

Adopted Bostonian David Ortiz, who knows a little something about improbable comebacks, watched last night’s Super Bowl miracle at home with his family, most likely going from cautiously excited to devastated to deliriously happy like all Patriots fans over the course of the evening. He gave us a glimpse of that last…

The Red Sox have barreled their way into yet another postseason after finishing last in the AL East in the two seasons since they last won the World Series. The Sox crashed their way to the third seed in the AL on the strength of an 11-game September winning streak, involving three straight series sweeps of divisional…

Dustin Pedroia scored an incredibly wacky run today, jumping around Rays catcher Luke Maile and eventually putting his nuts in Maile’s face to give the Red Sox their 11th straight win.

Let’s go back to 2013. David Ortiz was putting together an all-star season at 37 years old, but on one July night in Baltimore, he was melting down. After arguing with umpire Tim Timmons’ strike zone, Papi got ejected. So he went back into the Red Sox dugout and destroyed the in-dugout phone.

David Ortiz is the closest thing this era of baseball has to a real-life folk hero. Not only is he a hobbled, 40-year-old man who somehow leads all of baseball in OPS, he’s a dude who can still dunk on mouthy fans.

Boston Red Sox elder statesman David Ortiz gave a Spanish-language interview to USA Today Sports, and shared some candid thoughts on Donald Trump, an imp who will be banished from this world as soon as someone speaks his true name.

Red Sox coaches had to restrain David Ortiz after his outburst following a ninth-inning strikeout with the bases loaded in a game the Yankees went on to win, 3-2.

Red Sox slugger David Ortiz will be receiving gifts from MLB teams for his farewell season—the funniest outcome would be the Yankees giving him nothing—and Katie Nolan is hoping to add to the pile. On last night’s episode of Garbage Time, Nolan shared her plan to get Big Papi a gift while simultaneously annoying New…

Speaking purely as someone who adores stupid sports controversies, I never want this baseball offseason to end. The Saga of Drake LaRoche spun my head so completely that I almost forgot about this spring’s other big storylines: Bryce Harper telling the old-timers to stuff it and Goose Gossage screaming about the…

It’s David Ortiz’s final season, and barring a Red Sox playoff appearance, his final road games will be at Yankee Stadium the last week of September. Given how much of Ortiz’s career and reputation is caught up in the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, and how his heroics in the 2004 ALCS turned around the franchise’s century…

Fallout 4 is set in Boston, so some creative soul named Richie Branson created a David Ortiz mod, and gave players the chance to bash baddies in a full Red Sox uniform. (Kindly overlook the fact that Big Papi’s actually a lefty.) It was a neat, free customization, but MLB was not as receptive.

David Ortiz became the 27th member of the 500 home run club Saturday night, belting a solo shot off of Matt Moore in the 5th inning to right field.