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How To Bake Bay Scallops, And Prove That Size Isn't Everything
Seems like bay scallops get kind of a raw deal, doesn't it? At my local purveyor of seafoods, the big honkin' fist-sized sea scallops get a place of honor in the glass display case, while the bay scallops are stuck over in the freezer across the way, packed by the dozens into grim plastic bags, f...
How To Make Sausage And Peppers: A Guide For The Stir Crazy
This column originally ran on February 16, 2013. However, I've been laid up with strep throat for the past few days, so I'm resurrecting it, both because I haven't been able to cook at all this week, and also because this is what I will cook and eat as soon as I am able to swallow things again....
How To Roast Butternut Squash, Which Is Phallic And Fantastic
There's the versatility of, say, a boneless, skinless chicken breast—it tastes bland and uninteresting pretty much no matter what you do with it, so it "goes" with everything, like gustatory khaki—and then there's the versatility of the butternut squash, which is so outrageously goddamn good that yo...
How To Cook Lobster Tails, If You Don't Have A Butler To Do It For You
This column was originally published on January 26th, 2013....
How To Make Eggnog, The Festive Holiday Booze-Shake
In the abstract, the notion that some people don't want to drink eggnog makes sense: diabetics, say, or the lactose-intolerant or egg-allergic, or those principled self-denying oddballs who prefer not to replace their entire body mass gradually with dietary fat and cholesterol until they resemble ...
How To Sear Some White Fish, Now That You "Care" About Your "Health"
A recurring rite of adulthood, for the harried and haggard and sad, is feeling ugh so terrible all the time, I'm like a sweaty, gross walrus, it hurts when I do things and my chest makes sounds like a dehumidifier, bluhhhhhh, and making a half-assed resolution to start doin' the right things, damm...
How To Eat Your Thanksgiving Leftovers: Three Good-Ass Techniques
The morning following Thanksgiving is a bleary, cotton-mouthed, dead-eyed time—a time for questions, a time of Reckoning. "Oh, Jesus, how much did I drink yesterday?" and, "Am I going to die?" and, "Why do I keep doing this to myself?" and, "Am I in Fort Worth? How did I come to be in Fort Worth?" T...
How To Eat Thanksgiving Dinner: A Strategy Guide
How does one eat a Thanksgiving meal? On its face this might seem like a ridiculous question, and also everywhere else too. I mean, who doesn’t know how to eat? (Excepting the British, of course.) Thanksgiving is marked, more than anything else, by its abundance of tasty foodstuffs; practically spe...
How To Make Potatoes Au Gratin, A Step Beyond Good Ol' Mashed Taters
Hey, look, mashed potatoes are wonderful. They're smooth and hearty and comforting; they land in your stomach with a satisfying, almost audible whump; they are the food equivalent of dropping your entire body onto a soft, overstuffed sofa. Kids love them, grownups love them, everybody loves them. ...
Times Of Day To Have Some Damn Peace And Quiet Around Here, Ranked
When you are a Sad Dad, one of the things you spend the most time pining for—after, like, an actual grown-up date with your spouse, a window of more than five minutes in which to take a shower, and relief from the constant background awareness of your own bottomless inadequacy—is some damn peace and...
How To Make Tuna-Bean Salad, Cheap Chow To Feel Good About
Albert Burneko is off. Your guest Foodspinner is friend of the program and pork belly enthusiast Miserable Shitehawk....
How To Stir-Fry Beef, The Most Harrowing And Wonderful Thing
The problem with stir-frying is the common perception that it's this simple, quick way of throwing together a good dinner. I don't really know what to make, and I'm running late getting home from work, so I guess I'll just whip up some stir-fry is the thought process that leads, inexorably, to the...