How To Talk To Your Shithead Liberal Nephew Over The Holidays

Congratulations! You won the election. Not you, specifically—unless you’re reading this, Mr. Trump, which, now that your name is in it, you probably are—but your people: Real American Men, where “real” means over 45 and white, “American” means suburban- or rural-residing, and “men” means what it used to mean,…

Chris Matthews: John F. Kennedy Would Go Watch Porn Instead Of Election Results

While the first wave of election results was coming into the MSNBC studios, Chris Matthews regaled viewers with an anecdote about presidential horniness. Matthews was discussing political officials who preferred not to watch the news and keep track of election results, including his former boss Tip O’Neill who used to…

Trump Claims Tom Brady Endorsement; Recites Glowing Letter He Says Bill Belichick Sent Him [Updates]

At a rally in Manchester, New Hampshire this evening, empty gas station salami wrapper Donald Trump revealed the endorsements of a pair of New England Patriots heroes. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick purportedly told the future former candidate for president that they’d vote for him, and Trump even read from a letter he…