eli Page 111 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Staycation Out Of Bed
A long weekend approaches. Let’s say that you have not been blessed with the kind of friends or family who plan nice things for your lazy self to do (while smoothly handling all the tedious logistics), or that you have purposefully blocked this space of time out to do nothing and be with no one. Slo...
Pittsburgh's HBK Line Is The NHL's Hottest
The verb that came to mind watching last night’s 4-2 Pittsburgh win was “overwhelms.” You can hold off the Penguins for a while, you can even shut down a scorer or an entire line for games at a time, but they’ve got so much talent, they’re so deep with scorers up and down their bench and offer barel...
Who Sends Dick Pics? (Lunatics, Apparently)
As an Old Person (and possibly a prude, although I hope not), I’m baffled by the dick pic. As a behavior, first of all—What is it intended to accomplish? Is it meant as an act of sexual hostility? A sincere come-on? Do straight men genuinely believe women are turned on by crappy smartphone snapshots...
The Lord Rejects That Weak Shit In Mysterious Ways
What we have here is a young teen (presumably) trying to dunk on a man of the cloth (presumably). He got smote....
Why Didn't Eli Gold Host His Radio Show This Week?
Eli Gold, the legendary stock car racing announcer and Alabama football play-by-play guy, didn’t show up for Tuesday night’s broadcast of NASCAR Live, his weekly syndicated radio show....
Here's Some Baseball Knowledge To Get You Thinking About The Relentless Approach Of Death
Hello, fellow millennial baseball fans, I have come to make you sad....
How To Kick Ass During Your Jesus Year
Certain ages have established talking points. At 25, there’s the quarter-life crisis, which is false, but gets you thinking about the banal inexorability of aging. At 27, you talk about rock stars who died before they could get old and embarrassing, because you desperately don’t want to, either. (“G...
What A Silent Retreat Is Like For Someone Who Can't Shut Up
Seriously, I can’t shut up. “Loquacious” would be putting it nicely. “Needy, overwhelming persistence” would probably be more accurate. Hell, it’s why I’m a journalist: because I can’t keep myself from expressing every single utterly useless thought that slips into my head. Although I can fend off t...
How To Fly With Young Children
It is a known fact that flight attendants are among the perkiest, cheeriest, bubbliest human beings on the planet. But have you ever wondered why?...
Eli Apple's Mom Might Be The Best Sports Mom In The Game
Ohio State’s Eli Apple is one of the top cornerbacks available in this week’s NFL draft. But he’s not, in fact, the most impressive talent to emerge from his own family. That honor is reserved for his mom, Annie Apple, who is a LeBron James-, Andrew Luck-type superstar-in-the-making at the all-impor...
Why Eliud Kipchoge Is The World's Best Distance Runner
Sometimes I like technology, in this case because YouTube is going to be invaluable in explaining how Kenya’s Eliud Kipchoge calmly sliced through Sunday’s London Marathon, covering Her Majesty’s 26.2 miles in 2:03:05, the second fastest (by eight tiny seconds) marathon ever run on a record-eligible...
Pizza Box Is Neither Pizza Nor Box
Almost every day, we see people peddling novelty foodstuffs with dreams of virality. To offer some pushback against this desperate search for e-relevance, we often need to ask some hard questions. Today’s culprit is the Pizza Box—a box for pizza that is, itself, a pizza....
Put Steam In Your Nose
With pollen counts spiking, you may have found your nasal passages cemented shut this weekend. The finest way to spend a day in the park is with your head all heavy with snot and your mouth dry from all the (literal) mouth-breathing. A Kleenex is meaningless at that point—no amount of nose-blowing, ...
Today, Media Members Decided Whether The Pelicans Will Pay Anthony Davis $24 Million
Today is the deadline for the couple hundred NBA reporters and broadcasters to submit their awards ballots. Some of their decisions—Steph Curry for MVP, Karl-Anthony Towns for Rookie of the Year—are quite easy, and others—Coach of the Year, All-Defensive Team—are not. But none is more interesting th...
Sixers Win Game, Make History
The Philadelphia 76ers—a misshapen experiment in gaming the NBA Draft lottery, who, weirdly enough, play actual basketball games—won their tenth game of the season tonight. Pity the poor Pelicans, who came into the year as a sexy pick to win 50 games, but had to stand by as Carl Landry (who had 22 p...
Felix Hernandez's Loss Was One Of The Weirdest In Baseball History
Felix Hernandez is one of the best pitchers working today, and until this afternoon, he’d never lost an Opening Day start. Thanks in part to the King’s dominance over the past half-decade, the Mariners had a chance to become the first team since the 19th century to win ten straight openers. But the ...
Bad Soccer Man Gets Sent Off For Mushing His Own Teammate
What was it with shoving your buddies this weekend? You’re supposed to be brothers, goddammit!...
The Silicon Valley Guys Who Turned Around The Warriors Don't Believe In Their Ridiculous Luck
Friday night, in the third quarter of a home game against the Boston Celtics, Steph Curry started throwing up threes with no more trouble than a drunk trying to fall onto a sofa. Six for six he was, the kind of eruption that literally changes the dimensions of the game: He buried one trey from just ...
The Definitive Opinion on Basketball Players Wearing Short Shorts
A gentleman named Chase emailed in to Jezspin Day because he REALLY wants to know what us ladyfolk think of the new short shorts that basketball men are sporting these days. Chase, this sports blog is for you....