english Page 14 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Known Man-Eating Fish Strikes England, Devours Goalkeeping Coach On Pitch

A tragedy was narrowly avoided this weekend when a gigantic, basketball jersey-clad fish, presumably hired as the halftime entertainment for the day’s Derby County-Blackburn match, attacked a poor goalkeeping coach in the middle of its act. Luckily, the man was not seriously harmed....

Payet Rabona Assist!

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Arsenal Draw Even On Laurent Koscielny Golazo<em></em>

Arsenal fell behind Southampton early thanks to a Petr Čech own goal, but Laurent Koscielny erased the deficit with an overhead kick off a series of headers from a corner delivery. ¡Golazo!...

Everton Sent A Private Jet To France to Pick Up Moussa Sissoko, But He Signed With Tottenham<em></em>

Transfer deadline day makes for wonderful theater. That guy your team supposedly signed? Nah, he’s in Qatar. That Mirror reporter who insisted Manchester United were ABSOLUTELY going to sign James Rodriguez? He’s moved on to tweeting erroneous reports about some Spaniard who is not going anywhere ei...

Arsenal Finally Woke Up And Signed Some Very Good Reinforcements

Arsenal spent most of the summer transfer window swinging and missing at a series of targets. They went at Jamie Vardy, but he stayed with Leicester. They then made a serious effort to dislodge Alexandre Lacazatte from Lyon, but his club tried to extract an increasingly inflated amount of money from...

Should Christian Pulisic Leave Dortmund For The Premier League?

Here’s a tweet:...

Coutinho Draws Liverpool Level

Liverpool’s star-filled squad struggled with Arsenal’s collection of anonymous jamokes until Philippe Coutinho rocketed home this bender past Petr Cech to draw his side level at the half....

Zlatan Scores, Makes World Reconsider Hatred Of Manchester United In EPL Debut<em></em>

Zlatan Ibrahimović has never once let us down, so there was no question that he would score in his Premier League debut with Manchester United against Bournemouth today; the only question was how. Volley from 40 yards out? Bender from a corner? Hypnosis? If you had your money on “exploiting a near-i...

ESPN Dipshit To English-Speaking Ichiro: Speak English!!!

ESPN SportsCenter anchor and former WWE commentator Todd Grisham, who fancies himself a tough man, has a tough message for True Hit King Ichiro: This is America, learn some English!...

"A Blog Post By Me, Ashley Feinberg" By Patrick Redford

As you might imagine, for Barack, running for president is nothing compared to that first game of basketball with my brother, Craig....

Report: Next England Manager Will Be Big Sam Allardyce

England manager Roy Hodgson quit after his team was knocked out of the Euro round of 16 by plucky Iceland, two years after his unimaginative tactics and poor squad selection saw England finish at the bottom of their group at the 2014 World Cup. According to Sky Sports, the FA have found Hodgson’s re...

Manchester Police: "Incredibly Lifelike" Explosive Device "Not Viable" [UPDATE]

Police have concluded their assessment of the suspicious package that led to the abandonment of today’s Manchester United-Bournmouth match, concluding that while the device was “incredibly lifelike,” it was “not viable.”...

Suspicious Package At Old Trafford Leads To Match Abandonment [UPDATING]

Manchester United’s match against Bournemouth has been abandoned after a “Code Red” situation led to stands being evacuated and the discovery of a suspicious package....

Aston Villa Supporters Protest Relegation By Interrupting Match With Inflatables

Aston Villa supporters interrupted today’s match against Newcastle with a flood of beach balls, sex dolls, and other inflatables as the last-place team prepares for relegation from the Premiership....

This Is Marvelous

Gut-Punch!

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Middlesbrough Score Bonkers 94th-Minute Winner To Go Top Of The Championship

Fighting to remain above the fray and qualify for promotion to the Premier League directly, Middlesborough took on midtable Reading yesterday. Deep into stoppage time the game was still 1-1, but on a last gasp corner kick, Middlesbrough scored whatever the hell this is....

That's Fine Ball Control

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Dimitri Payet Is On A Roll

West Ham United took a 2-1 lead against Crystal Palace into the intermission after a Dimitri Payet free kick that rendered Wayne Hennessey completely useless. Payet’s been on fire of late; he had an even more sick free kick earlier this week against Russia....

At Least Man City Is Giving Bournemouth Supporters Something Interesting To Watch

Poor AFC Bournemouth. For those of us who hitched our stars to the Cherries before this season instead of, uh, Leicester, it’s been less-than-fun. (Not awful, mind you; being clear of relegation is nice.) At least supporters get to see some fun soccer from the opponents, as displayed today when Manc...