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How To Make Chicken Liver Pâté, You Adventurer, You
Pâté is a fun word to say through your nose. Paaaaah-TAY. You should practice this often, as it will accompany the finished product well as a signal to the swells that you are one of them. ARE you enJOYing your paaaah-TAY....
Fast-Food Guac-Off: Subway Versus Dunkin' Donuts
Sauces and adjectives are the coagulated lifeblood of fast-food “innovation,” because it’s relatively cheap and easy to spike ranch dressing with cayenne dust, refer to the resulting substance as Kickin’, and splort it onto a chicken patty. It’s a slimy move, but what do you expect them to do? Impro...
If You Grill All These Foods On Memorial Day, The Planets Will Align
Cold fusion. Mars colonization. A cure for cancer. Peace on earth. Cute li’l goals, I guess, if you’re looking for a self-esteem boost. ...
Who's Up For Some Weird Grilled Meat And Jefferson Davis Pie?
The Woe of Cooking is an ongoing fiasco where the guy who does the Beer Idiot unearths the weirdest, grossest recipes he can find in The Joy of Cooking. Last week he cooked Quick Fish Loaf; this time he’s settling for red meat and pie. Okay have fun....
How To Grill A Whole Fish, Because It's Just The Best Thing To Do
There are many good reasons for grilling whole fish. The skin and bones keep the flesh moist and flavorful; the skin itself, when cooked well, is life-changingly delicious; whole fish stands up better to grilling heat than a fillet or fish steak will; whole fish usually costs less by weight than the...
Our Very Own Drew Magary Is A Contestant On <i>Chopped </i>Tonight
Longtime readers may recall that your friend and mine Drew Magary applied to be an amateur contestant on Chopped, the Food Network’s allegedly very popular cooking show, back in July 2012. Well, he made it on, and the episode airs tonight at 10 p.m. EST. (He is one of the four people to the left.) I...
Cheez Whiz And Grape Jelly: What's Your Weirdest Eating Habit?
Pickles and ice cream are for amateurs, man. Peanut butter and American cheese sandwiches, hold the bread—that's how you do vile food pairings in style....
Bone Broth Is Hot Ham Water
Food trends are an easy thing to hate. They immediately conjure up thoughts of "foodie" culture, $6 cupcakes, and the insufferable idiots who invented kale. But some trends are important and genuinely advance the way we eat. Twenty years ago, cheap Mexican food meant Taco Bell, ramen was $.02 wo...
Terrible Pizza Joint To Deny Gay Indiana Residents Terrible Pizza
You may have heard recently about Indiana's new "religious freedom" law that allows businesspeople to refuse service toward gay folks. Well, as reported by ABC57 news, the good people at Memories Pizza are taking full advantage of that new law, proudly declaring that gays are not encouraged to eat ...
How To Roast A Chicken, And Become A Grownup At Last
Roasting a chicken is the last threshold to full coming of age. Before you have done it, you are a fledgling. After, you are an elder....
How To Smoke Salmon: Mystical Alchemy From The Majestic West
Pity the poor East Coast rat racer. Look at him, pouring out of the subway with his sooty, bedraggled kin, lurching through ill-lit corridors, past dripping pipes and glaring widows just missing him with the splash of their chamberpots. There he is, spending $12 on a substandard turkey sub. Here h...
Don't Coat Your Innards With Space Oil To Conserve Ketchup
You know how there's always a little bit of ketchup that you never quite get out of the bottle? It coats the inside; even if you do the thing where you stand the bottle on its head for 24 hours to let it all ooze down close to the nozzle, some of it never comes out, and goes in the trash....
How To Cook Some Tasty (For Once!) Cabbage, For St. Patrick's Day
I love St. Patrick's Day. I know it's terribly unfashionable to admit so, but I love it all: I love the wearing of the green, I love the dogs in costume, I love the KISS ME I'M IRISH buttons. Give me a pair of glittered, bobbly shamrocks affixed to a headband and I'm one bonny Irish lass. The gree...
How To Make Mashed Cauliflower, Because It Goddamn Tastes Great
This article originally appeared on October 12, 2013. I'm republishing it today because I went on an insane cauliflower kick this week, and also for the lesser reason that I couldn't find good ingredients for what I wanted to cook. If you're looking for something especially St. Patrick's Day-ish, ...
Now There's A Ranch-Dressing Restaurant, So Let's Walk Into The Ocean
Listen. I say the following with a pristine record of support for unhealthful dairy-based coating glops—both as a genre of foodstuffs and in most specific instances—as well as with the firm backing of all available science: Ranch dressing is bad. Bad dressing....
How To Eat More (And Better) Fruits And Vegetables So You Don't Die
I live in Boston, which is to say that over the course of the past month or so I, along with millions of disgruntled others, have on more than one occasion found myself snowbound without proper provisions. I went to my local grocer in anticipation of an impending storm—this sounds a lot nicer than i...
How To Make Arrabbiata Sauce, The Angriest, Loveliest Sauce Of All
Picture, in your mind, a mundane interaction between any two regular, essentially happy Italian people. One purchasing a packet of chewing gum from the other, for example. Can you picture it? The screaming, the wild gesticulating, the red faces, the flashing whites of crazed eyes and bared teet...
How To Make Soft-Boiled Eggs: A Minute To Learn, Two Minutes To Master
The weird thing about soft-boiled eggs is the widespread misconception that they're so much trickier to make than their hard-boiled brethren. Done right, they're really not much trickier at all. Easier than stuffing 1,200 words of padding into an instructional blog post about making them, that's for...
How To Cook Valentine's Day Dinner, Like You Damn Well Should
The first thing to know about cooking for Valentine's Day is that the list of occasion-appropriate food preparations you'll find below was made in consultation with a woman, the only blemish on whose otherwise immaculate record of good taste and judgment is her baffling and indefensible decision to ...
How To Cook Broccoli, On Purpose, And Enjoy It, Which Is Possible
Broccoli is good. No, it is! Good for you, sure, yes, high in fiber and vitamin C and some things called carotenoids that I'm pretty sure were the bad guys in The Fifth Element? But also they are supposed to have antioxidant properties, which means they make you immune to rust....