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How To Cook A Bunch Of Good Food For The Super Bowl Party
So the Super™ Bowl® is here, and that means some sucker—maybe even you!—will be hosting a Super™ Bowl® party which they will feel weirdly obligated to refer to as a "Big Game" party, because the NFL likes to sue people for liking it. You will have to bring something to this shindig—especially if ...

Meet Your Ultimate Super Bowl Snack: Nacho Cheese Doritos
Holy cow bells, what a contest! Voting was neck and neck virtually throughout the entire Finals of our Ultimate Super Bowl Snack Playoffs, with Nacho Cheese Doritos maintaining only the barest of leads. In the end, the neon orange chips stayed scrappy and took it all, with 107 more votes than toug...

It Is Time To Crown The Ultimate Super Bowl Snack. VOTE VOTE VOTE!
It comes down to this, a battle of the triangular, compressed corn chip: The final matchup in our Ultimate Super Bowl Snack Playoffs pits two number 1 seeds, Nacho Cheese Doritos and Tortilla Chips, against one another....

The Ultimate Super Bowl Snack Semifinals Start NOW. VOTE!
You God-damned animals voted Ridged Chips out? In favor of Kettle Chips??? What kind of perversion is this? Fine, you know what? Go scratch, more Ruffles for me....

How To Bake Bay Scallops, And Prove That Size Isn't Everything
Seems like bay scallops get kind of a raw deal, doesn't it? At my local purveyor of seafoods, the big honkin' fist-sized sea scallops get a place of honor in the glass display case, while the bay scallops are stuck over in the freezer across the way, packed by the dozens into grim plastic bags, f...

The Ultimate Super Bowl Snack Divisional Finals Are Upon Us. VOTE!
Big Peanut took a page out of Big Avocado's playbook, attempting to throw my bracket by ginning up Twitter support. Big Peanut did not succeed....

Round 2 Of The Ultimate Super Bowl Snack Playoffs Starts NOW! Vote!
Cheese & Crackers very nearly pulled off a huge upset. The 8-seed, matched up against football snack staple Nacho Cheese Doritos, was almost left off the bracket entirely because your bracketeer thought it perhaps a touch too bougie for this exercise. Which is insane, when you consider that the sa...

The Ultimate Super Bowl Snack Playoffs Start Now. VOTE!
The Super Bowl is a grand time for food. All those New Year's Resolutions about eating right, getting fit, and drinking less go out the window just in time for nimble fingers to set to work crafting the perfect snack stadium or dialing Dominos....

How To Make Sausage And Peppers: A Guide For The Stir Crazy
This column originally ran on February 16, 2013. However, I've been laid up with strep throat for the past few days, so I'm resurrecting it, both because I haven't been able to cook at all this week, and also because this is what I will cook and eat as soon as I am able to swallow things again....

Map: Each State's Most Distinctive Cuisine
Here's a fun map, put together by the Huffington Post using data from Yelp, that shows each state's biggest cuisine outliers. We're all so predictable!...

How To Cook For Yourself Every Day, And Stock Your Kitchen Like A Pro
I love Sundays, but not the way I used to. Time was, it was a day for sleeping in, going to brunch, watching sports, ordering a pizza, dicking around. But here's the new itinerary: Wake up early, go to the farmer's market, buy a boatload of awesome produce (produce being a thing I now consider awe...

It's About Ethics In Restaurant-List Journalism, Mewls Slighted Chef
Breaking: Entitled white dude slings around bogus journalism-ethics complaints in reactionary response to insecurity over his former spot atop a hierarchy! Call it DinerGate....

How To Roast Butternut Squash, Which Is Phallic And Fantastic
There's the versatility of, say, a boneless, skinless chicken breast—it tastes bland and uninteresting pretty much no matter what you do with it, so it "goes" with everything, like gustatory khaki—and then there's the versatility of the butternut squash, which is so outrageously goddamn good that yo...

How To Cook Lobster Tails, If You Don't Have A Butler To Do It For You
This column was originally published on January 26th, 2013....

How To Make Eggnog, The Festive Holiday Booze-Shake
In the abstract, the notion that some people don't want to drink eggnog makes sense: diabetics, say, or the lactose-intolerant or egg-allergic, or those principled self-denying oddballs who prefer not to replace their entire body mass gradually with dietary fat and cholesterol until they resemble ...

Dumb-As-Hell Hip-Hop-Themed Restaurant Menu Wasn't The Hottest Idea
"Thug rice," man. "Thug rice." They literally dyed some rice black and called it "thug rice."...

2014 Was A Banner Year For Food Spills On Highways
Early this morning, a cargo truck overturned on a Detroit highway, scattering boxes of frozen chicken wings across the asphalt, capping off what has been a remarkable year for highway-spill enthusiasts. Let us now stroll down food-spill memory lane. Watch your footing, it might be slippery....

Holiday Gift Guide: For Your Buddy Who Wants To Cook Like A Grownup
So your buddy or sibling or heretofore derelict life-partner has decided that now is the time to set aside a life of carryout and peanut butter sandwiches and become A Person Capable Of Cooking Meals At Home Like A Grownup. Good! Cooking at home is good....

Harvard Professor Wets His Dypie Over A $4 Overcharge On Chinese Food
A Harvard Business School associate professor ordered some food from a family-run Brookline, Mass., Chinese joint a few days ago; after reviewing his receipt, he noticed he'd been charged $4 more than the price he expected, based on the restaurant's online menu. And then, in a series of aggrieved e...

How To Sear Some White Fish, Now That You "Care" About Your "Health"
A recurring rite of adulthood, for the harried and haggard and sad, is feeling ugh so terrible all the time, I'm like a sweaty, gross walrus, it hurts when I do things and my chest makes sounds like a dehumidifier, bluhhhhhh, and making a half-assed resolution to start doin' the right things, damm...