fun Page 49 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Is The Best Buy Geek Squad Stealing Your Donkey Porn?
No time to waste. My hand hurts a lot from talking with my kid while using a cow puppet yesterday. I used the puppet for, like, an hour. Now I have carpal tunnel. Lamest injury ever? Lamest injury ever. Fucking cow puppet. Right to the letters:...
Are Happy Facebook Assholes Really That Happy?
I grind my teeth at night. I've done it all my life, and it's so bad that the sharp ends of my cuspids have been sanded down flat. Which means I totally can't be a phony vampire anymore....
Is Revenge Jerking A Legal Right?
I have a four-year-old, and having a four-year-old means you spend 80% of your time restraining yourself from beating the shit out of the kid. Four-year-olds do not listen. They throw shit. They punch and slap. They laugh in your face when you yell at them. It's practically as if they're daring you ...
The World Needs More Ruined Weddings
I was watching "House" last night and there was a wedding scene in the beginning where the priest turns to the congregation and asks if anyone has any objection to the union. You know, the whole "speak now of forever hold your peace" thing. I have been to dozens of weddings in my lifetime, and not o...
What Is The Absolute Worst Movie Death To Suffer?
The first round of the NBA playoffs is almost over. ONLY THREE WEEKS LEFT UNTIL ROUND 2! Anyway, this is just about the time of the season where I start paying attention and stuff. And while my basketball knowledge is essentially a blank Aqua Doodle, there is one thing I wanted to mention about LeBr...
Could You Make A Successful Hobo? And What’s The Best Way To Get Cancer?
Again, we go right to your questions....
You Ladies Should Always Take Your Husband’s Last Name
No time for tiddlywinks. Your letters:...
Bogus Rumors About The <em>Entourage</em> Douches That We'll Choose To Believe Anyway
I hate stretching. I hate everything about it. Ninety percent of all stretching done in America today is done in a cursory fashion. You have to go lift or exercise, so you grab your foot and stretch your quad for three seconds, then you jump on the equipment. This is how I stretch, and it does nothi...
Jumping Out Of A Plane Trumps Lesbian Hooker Dildo Shows
I went to a skydiving center this past weekend. I jumped and was a complete pussy all the way down (that's me staring wistfully back at the plane). The full story will be in Penthouse magazine sometime this summer. I never knew how much skydiving cost, so I asked the lady the normal fee for jumping ...
Praying For Car Accidents Is OK!
Big doings here at the funbag. Next week we'll be doing a bonus audio version of the funbag (Don't worry, the two regular ones will still run) with a very, very special Deadcast guest. So send in only your finest retarded questions about poop, boners, and snacking if you want in. Now, your letters....
When Is This Pussy Gonna Try Coaching Dudes?
It's been in the 80s here in DC this week, which means this is the first time this year I've been able to bust out the shorts. And when you bust out the shorts, that means it is, once again, open season on bareball nut scratching. All winter long, I gotta scratch my nuts by digging into my jeans. NO...
Here's A Video Of A Basketball-Playing Dog That You Will Watch All Day
This pup has the fundamentals and requisite pizazz to dominate a rec league and galvanize a small town, something that has not been seen since the Air Bud franchise stormed into theaters and stole our hearts and our $9.95. [YouTube]...
In Which We Declare A Fatwa On All Online April Fooling
It's April Fool's Day today, and we've now reached the point where April Fool's has officially become a web nuisance. "Big news everyone! From now on the funbag will be written by Robert Weintraub!" Yes, hardy fucking har. Everyone realizes it's April Fool's Day right around 9:02AM these days. The r...
PETA Capitalizes On Clemens's Failure To Launch
PETA suggests that Roger Clemens's rumored performance issues are due to his carnivorous diet. Wonder if the grand jury will buy that one. [PETA via copyranter]...
Why Don't More Famous People Have AIDS?
I went to park my car the other day and the spot I parked in had a parking meter that was out of order. It is ILLEGAL to park in a spot with a meter that's out of order. You'll get a ticket. I cannot tell you how angry this makes me. It's not my fucking fault the meter is out of order. And now we ha...
How Much Do Your Genitals Weigh? A Half-Assed Funbag Investigation!
I have a TV/Film peeve I'd like abolished from now on. I dunno if Ebert's film glossary has covered this yet, but I would like it added if it has not. I call it the Confession Cocktease....
In Which We Learn That All Dominican Baseball Players Are Gay; Also: Hot Chicks In Cars
Got kids? No? Well, let me tell you one of the delightful side effects of parenting: manic depression. Oh, yes. I am officially fucking bipolar now. When around my child, I go from elated to violently angry at the drop of a hat. And this is because kids always take things too far. One second, you're...
Jesus, Adderall, Heavy Metal Sex, And Marshmallows
My wife went to pick up my kid from school yesterday. Beforehand, she told me they were going to stay a little extra long to hang out at the playground. I, of course, didn't hear any of that because I was too busy playing in front of 150,000 at Castle Donington in my brain. MASTER! MASTER! MASTER OF...
Ghosts, Dessert Carts, And Cancer Porn
I've been losing weight recently, and one of the joys of losing weight is overemphasizing my own awe at my body's transformation. "Why are my pants so loose? Why am I not sweating in my sleep? I feel stronger. More agile. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY BODY?" I'm not saying I'm becoming Spiderman, but I wou...
Near-Death Experiences, Deodorant, And Eggert’s Shymen
Before we get down to business, I must note that the bottom of this post contains video of the money scene from "Blown Away," which is NSFW, but well worth you risking instant unemployment. Now, to your letters....