ill Page 683 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Welcome Back, Duke Haters
We know the college basketball is officially underway because ... everyone's Duke bile is building! We've missed it; it's nice having villains, even if they haven't actually done that much lately that was particularly villainous....
Sure, He's, Uh, Doing Some Bobcats Scouting
We were busy at this show tonight, so we're late on the uptake, but we will say this: We don't think we'll ever get used to seeing Michael Jordan wearing Illini colors. We wonder if Tar Heels fans will ever get used to it either....
Ron Zook Continues To Piss Intensity
After Illinois' oddly easy win over Northwestern — to win the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, whatever that is — on Saturday, the most amazing Illini season we can remember draws to a close. Which means, of course ... it's time for the Ron Zook Water Skiing Photo! The man pisses intensity....
To Watch Tonight
What to watch while wondering why the Chinese government has to ruin everybody's fun... • Boxing: Super Featherweights, Humberto Soto vs. Joan Guzmán. Demetrius Hopkins highlights the undercard, should be a good night. [HBO] • CFB: West Virginia at Cincinnati. Is it the Mountaineers turn to lose? I ...
About Last Night
What you missed while cooking up a batch of delicious Jesuscakes ... • NBA: Dwyane Wade is back ... just in time to watch Miami lose to Seattle at home. Sonics 104, Heat 95. • College basketball: This would have been a great upset. Oh well. North Carolina 72, Davidson 68. • NHL: No 500th win for you...
Defying The Odds, Our Hero Makes It To Week 2
My Talking Dennis Miller Action Figure arrived in the mail today, and I'm happier than Wink Martindale on the Island of Topless Double-D Spokesmodels. Although on close inspection Talking Dennis more resembles the guy who sold me my term life insurance. So far I haven't been able to find the button ...
Like Playmakers, But, You Know, NICER
Despite the pleas of Bill Simmons, we've never watched "Friday Night Lights." We're not sure why; maybe we just have too much television in our lives already. Anyway, the show's ratings still aren't improving, and if the writers ever get back to work, the show is expected to be canceled by NBC. But ...
Bill Belichick Is A Surly Dick
Michael Showalter is one of the minds behind The State and Stella and the writer and star of the films Wet Hot American Summer and The Baxter. We're a fan. He also, apparently, is a sports fan. To promote his new album Sandwiches And Cats, he's doing a pseudo tour of the various lousy blogs like our...
Michael Jordan Is Paying A Wee Bit In His Divorce Settlement
Michael Jordan and Juanita Jordan got engaged on New Years Eve, 1987. Jordan was in his third year in the NBA at the time, and had just filmed a Nike commercial with Spike Lee. They were married almost two years later — in Las Vegas, of course — and they signed a "post-nuptial agreement," whatever t...
The Best JetBlue Flight Of All Time
We've watched our favorite teams play in some strange places. We once saw our Buzzsaw lose on the back of a boat off Lake Shelbyville while an old girlfriend vomited off the back. (We helped her out, once the outcome had been clearly decided.) But Illinois' breathtaking upset of Ohio State on Satur...
Yao Vs. Yi: 250 Million Chinese Viewers Can't Be Wrong
It's a fine Friday afternoon as Awful Announcing asks the musical question, is anyone aware that the largest television audience ever for a sporting event could take place tonight? That's right folks, it's Yi vs. Yao! From the Houston Chronicle:...
Mourning Your Grandmother Is Fineable Offense For Vikings
When we first heard that Minnesota Vikings wide receiver was being docked a game's pay for missing a game for his grandmother's funeral, we figured there had to be a catch. He had a history of skipping practice. He was generally an attitude problem. His grandmother was a Fascist. Something. But nope...
MLB.com Says, "We Break It, You Buy It"
We remember being quite excited a couple years back when MLB.com started offering classic games for download. The notion of buying an old Cardinals World Series game that we could have forever, to watch whenever we'd like. Thanks, MLB! Of course, forever isn't exactly forever, not with the fine folk...
Dennis Dixon Takes Tougher Classes Than Matt Leinart
You might remember a couple of years ago, when everyone had their proverbial panties in a proverbial bunch about Matt Leinart taking only one class his senior year, ballroom dancing. This ultimately didn't turn out well for Leinart; all that extra time just gave him more impregnation opportunities. ...
Marbury Wants You To Know That Only He Sells Cheapass Shoes
Considering he has testified under oath that he had sex with a Knicks intern in his car — and then helped get her a better job! — Stephon Marbury needs all the good PR he can get. Hence, those cheap sneakers he sells, which help inner city kids become more like Stephon Marbury, which is totally a go...
Dennis Is Here! Rejoice!
So is it mere coincidence that Dennis Miller starts his new sports show on Versus on the same day that we open our Sports Human of the Year nominations? (lowers glasses, looks thoughtfully at reader). We weren't born yesterday, babe. Sports Unfiltered with Dennis Miller kicked off on Tuesday, and if...