jesus Page 8 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Thomas Davis Dislocated His Finger Avoiding A Block, Popped It Back In, Then Made The Tackle
In last Sunday’s game between the Panthers and Seahawks, Carolina LB Thomas Davis did a very tough, gross thing. ...
Martellus Bennett Has The Quote Of The Year About Jay Cutler
Jay Cutler returned from a strained hamstring to tough out a close win over the Raiders. Coming off last week’s debacle in Seattle, it’s almost enough to make the average Bears fan thankful for a competent quarterback. Almost. But hey, talk radio would’ve savaged Jesus too. Right, Martellus Bennett?...
Three Images From The Bears Game (So We Never Have To Speak Of It Again)
Already deeply flawed and lacking the injured Jay Cutler, the Bears weren’t expected to do much against the Seahawks. Chicago managed to surprise, though, accomplishing even less than that....
Classic Man: "Do Not Make Animal Noises At Women"
Frequently in this space, we will consult a new entry in the 1987 book The Modern Man’s Guide to Life to see how the advice therein has aged. Yesterday, we addressed what to do if you’re on a flight and the pilot dies; today, a word of advice re: interacting with the ladies....
Somebody Fucked With The Spurs Jesus
When Spurs Jesus got burglarized last month, he didn’t turn the other cheek, and he didn’t forgive his (literal) trespassor. Because he’s not actually Jesus, he’s just a weird San Antonio fan who pretends to be Christ. ...
Holy Crap, Jesus Montero Is In Shape
Hardball Talk has a running gag where they chronicle every instance of a player getting described as being in the "best shape of his life." In the case of Seattle's former wunderprospect Jesus Montero, this might be the first time that it's no exaggeration....
Worst Damn Knife Thrower Nearly Kills His Assistant
This happened on some sort of Lithuanian talent show, and I very nearly broke out into a cold sweat while watching it. ...
Woman Brought To Tears By Tim Tebow Cake
SEC Nation is in Knoxville today, where Tim Tebow is still mostly loathed, but apparently not by this woman who was beside herself after being handed a piece of cake by the Heisman-winner:...
Jesus Christ Ditches His Wife At An Oklahoma Restaurant
A woman has been jailed on a charge of fraud after her husband, Jesus Christ, fooled her into ordering food she couldn't pay for at a restaurant....
Mariners Suspend Jesus Montero For Ice Cream Incident With Scout
Last week we told you about an incident involving Mariners catcher Jesus Montero, a heckling team scout, and a hurled ice cream sandwich. In light of what happened, the Mariners have decided to suspend Montero for the rest of the season....
Jesus Montero Heckled By Scout, Throws Ice Cream Sandwich At Him
Jesus Montero was a can't-miss catching prospect who appears to be missing, badly, and an incident last night during a minor league rehab appearance in which he tried to fight a scout who had been heckling him is probably not going to speed his trip back to the majors. It's a pretty incredible story...
Awkward Minnesota Super Bowl "War Room" Is One Big Tiger Woods High Five
So my home state of Minnesota "won" the right to host Super Bowl LII in 2018, presumably because Zygi Wilf convinced local taxpayers to pony up for a new stadium with funds from electronic pull-tab games that haven't generated any actual revenue yet, and such triumphs must be rewarded. Anyway, sinc...
Jesus Showed Up At Today's Red Wings-Bruins Game
The return of Jesus occurred at TD Garden, of all places. He showed up at the Red Wings-Bruins game, blessing everyone with his presence....
Please, Let This Be Real
Reader Zack tells us his friend's son wrote this question in church today. Jesus probably can't give you a good answer, kid....
Fat Jesus Montero On His Offseason: "All I Did Was Eat"
Once-hot catching prospect Jesus Montero, who was shipped to Seattle by the Yankees in exchange for Michael Pineda (as of two years later, it seems like one of the fairest trades ever made), is now trying to salvage a big-league career. He's not doing a very good job of it. ...
Help! My Girlfriend's Hair Is Everywhere!
Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert and advice columnist. She'll be here every other week helping to answer your filthiest questions. Are you dirty? Email her....
Kevin Garnett Calls Joe Johnson "Joe Jesus"; The Reason Why Is Hilarious
Kevin Garnett may not be the impact player he once was, but he still brings plenty of value when it comes to bestowing nicknames on his teammates....
An Indians Fan Hurled His Dip Spitter At David DeJesus
We thought this was beer at first, but the slow-mo gives away the greatly increased viscosity of the liquid in the cup. That's dip spit....
Cubs-Padres Gives Us Most Cubs-Padres Play Possible
If you're keeping score at home—we're talking about a late-August Cubs-Padres game that took 15 innings to complete, so you likely weren't—this one goes down as a fielder's choice, E3. But for a full appreciation of all of the fail involved here, be sure to scroll through this short checklist of der...