If there’s one thing you can say about Jonathan Papelbon, the ass-faced former Nationals closer who moves through life like an angry 14-year-old with a boner, it’s that he is always exactly who you expect him to be.
The Washington Nationals were up 6-4 in Kansas City headed into the ninth. Tanner Roark gave them 7 1/3 solid innings, and everyone but Bryce Harper got a hit. They had a great chance to beat NBA center-sized pitcher Chris Young, but then Jonathan Papelbon, the maddest Jonathan in baseball, gave up five hits and three…
Nationals reliever Jonathan Papelbon has acquired a new nickname: Johnny Jonathan. MASN reporter Dan Kolko unintentionally created the moniker by making a smooth transition from the studio to the field.
After Nationals closer Jonathan Papelbon choked out his teammate Bryce Harper in the team’s dugout during a game last September, it seemed certain that he wouldn’t be on the team in 2016. And yet, despite putting his hands around the Nationals’ best player, Papelbon’s still on the roster and part of the club’s plans.…
If there’s one thing you can say for Jonathan Papelbon, it’s that he just does not give a shit about potentially making things awkward at his workplace.
This teaser tweet is insane enough:
Since MLB isn’t equipped to punish a player choking out his own teammate in the dugout, the Nationals gave a four-game suspension to fuming goblin Jonathan Papelbon for attacking Bryce Harper during Sunday’s game.
The trouble with a story like yesterday’s Bryce Harper-Jonathan Papelbon fight in the Nationals dugout is that it does not contain much—any—ambiguity. It is unambiguously wonderful, that oh-God-this-is-so-fucking-stupid kind of wonderful, and also Jonathan Papelbon unambiguously is a belligerent tool whose decision to…
It is a testament to the Washington Nationals’ dysfunction that the dugout fight between Jonathan Papelbon and Bryce Harper almost made sense compared to everything that came after. A team’s for-hire closer trying to choke the league MVP is one thing, but it’s absolutely inexplicable that manager Matt Williams then…
The Nationals are really deteriorating as their season comes to an end. They somehow have a winning record, but the dugout has gotten downright toxic. Just this week, Papelbon plunked Manny Machado then Bryce Harper called him out for it. Today, tensions boiled over and the two got into a fight in the dugout after…
The Nationals got exactly what they expected out of Jonathan Papelbon: a very good closer and an unrepentant asshole with a knack for pissing off his own teammates as much as his opponents. After Papelbon plunked Manny Machado in last night’s 4-3 Baltimore win, it was Bryce Harper, of all people, who sounded sick of…
The Washington Nationals just made a trade that should help fix their biggest weakness—the back end of the bullpen—by bringing in Jonathan Papelbon to be the new closer. Papelbon will take the job from current closer Drew Storen, who will slide into a set-up role and give the Nats a great 1-2 punch at the end of…
If the Phillies don’t trade Jonathan Papelbon, he may assault Ruben Amaro Jr.
Whenever the Red Sox and Phillies play, someone sticks a recorder in Jonathan Papelbon’s face and uses his thoughts on both teams as an angle to get through the series. (Shane Victorino just isn’t as brash.) Before Wednesday’s game, the Phillies closer was direct to the Boston Globe about his connections to the Red…
MLB announced tonight that Jonathan Papelbon will be suspended seven games for grabbing his penis toward booing Phillies fans, which is a sentence I consider it a privilege to have been able to write.
Phillies reliever Jonathan Papelbon has never been a crowd favorite in Philadelphia, and when fans at Citizens Bank Park booed him off the field for blowing a three-run ninth inning lead to the Marlins he recognized their display by grabbing his dick.
Much like the Mariners, the Phillies also brought in the wrong pitcher last night. Unlike the Mariners, this one wasn't an accident; Jonathan Papelbon's the closer.
The Phillies are done, the rest of their season rendered cosmetic, and their high-priced closer, never one to mince words, is getting a little frustrated. Jonathan Papelbon, after pitching a meaningless inning in Philly's embarrassing 12-4 loss just to get some work: "I definitely didn't come here for this."
Everyone loves Yasiel Puig, because Yasiel Puig has done nothing but be completely awesome since being called up by the Dodgers one month ago. Everyone except Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon, that is, who thinks that it would be "a joke" if Puig made the National League all-star team.
