lessons Page 3 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Pfft, "Solar Eclipse," Big Deal
Apparently many of the youths are very excited about a “solar eclipse” today. The moon’s transit will carry it directly between the sun and the earth in the skies over the United States, where, along a certain corridor of geography, it will obscure the sun’s rays completely for a little while. I sup...
Cumin Is Good
Many people are saying, “Huh. Cumin. I do not think I have any particularly strong good or bad feelings about that spice.” They can go to hell! Cumin is not a spice for mild opinions. It is a fuckin’ great spice....
Young Fan Left Miserable After Father's Valiant Effort To Catch Foul Ball Falls Short
A young Rangers fan learned the hard way tonight that parents, no matter how fierce their love and how hard they may try, are not perfect. The moment in question here—his father’s noble but unsuccessful attempt to get him a foul ball. ...
Get A Stainless Steel Pan
In the abstract—which is to say, if you were an extremely rich person with an army of servants to attend to all but those parts of human life you chose to handle yourself, and therefore did not have to worry about things like cleaning and upkeep—the best kind of pan would be a well-seasoned cast iro...
Finish Your Food Before You Serve It
It’s the smallest thing, really. Maybe you already do it! But maybe you do not already do it, and you have wondered why the food you cook always seems underwhelming. Probably there are lots of reasons why the food you cook always seems underwhelming, not least among them your pathological inability ...
Neighbors Are Hell
When I was a young kid we knew all the names of pretty much everybody in our whole little neighborhood. The kids were a pack; in the summer, when your parents kicked you out of the house after breakfast—everybody did this—you just found the other kids and skulked around until somebody came up with ...
Why Phillies Fans Still Hate Danny Tartabull
Phillies pitcher Clay Buchholz had surgery earlier this week to fix a torn flexor tendon in his right arm. His 4-to-6 months of recovery will keep him out for the rest of the season....
Hang Up A Bird Feeder Where You Can See It
Happiness, who knows. Joy, jeez, that’s a whole frickin’ thing. I will never have even the faintest idea about deep personal fulfillment. But you can make the minute-by-minute drudgery of life a little better. You can hang a bird feeder near a window, and fill it with birdseed, and have some pretty ...
The Corporation Does Not Always Have To Win
As you’ve surely* seen by now, the big story of the day has to do with viral videos of some confusing group of United Airlines security and/or cops—it doesn’t matter, they’re all The Man—violently dragging a ticketed passenger out of his seat and off an overbooked Sunday flight. A computer had rand...
What Does Mike Pence Think Happens At Restaurants?<em></em><em></em>
Here is a deeply weird thing:...
High School Coach Loses Gig After Banning Nick Saban From Campus
Parkway High School (La.) coach David Feaster spoke very candidly about Alabama Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban during an interview on 104.5 ESPN on Wednesday, and he’s now paid a price for that honesty....
Dying Is Easy, Making Famous Politicians Seem Funny Is Hard
Disclaimer: Any assumption that the political jokes contained in this article are funny will lead to disappointment....
Things Take Too Long Now
I am fed up with things taking so damn long. Everything takes too long! Hurry it up for chrissakes....
You Are A Fact Checker
First of all, shut the fuck up, James Taranto....
Don't Have Opinions About Other People's Underwear
Are your underwear emitting an odor of feces or stale urine or stagnant crotch-and-ass sweat that I can smell from a normal, respectful distance? Are you wearing some form of outer garment between your underwear and the outside world? Are you someone with whose underwear I may interact directly in t...
Oklahoma State Student Paper Demands CMU Give Back Hail-And-Lateral Victory
The editorial staff of Oklahoma State’s student newspaper, The O’Colly, is NOT happy about Central Michigan’s Hail Mary Lateral play this past Saturday, which was one of the greatest college football plays of all time but which also technically shouldn’t have been allowed by officials....
How To Measure Your Kid's Dick
Don’t. What the fuck is wrong with you?...
You Puny Millennial Weaklings Disgust Me, A Tough, Sinewy Elder
Via the Washington Post, I have learned of a study by the Journal of Hand Therapy showing that millennial men are a bunch of weak, pampered diaper babies with butter-soft hands and that your puny muscles are no match for my hardened, callused Gen-X gripping power. I am paraphrasing, here. The Journa...
Counterpoint: Dying Is (Probably) Okay
My smart colleague George Dvorsky over at Gizmodo published a defense of “radical life extension” this morning. This is a largely pseudo- or quasi-scientific pursuit favored by billionaire parasite Peter Thiel (among others), based upon the idea that, essentially, death is a pathology rather than a ...