life-lessons Page 1 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
A Good Idea For Multiplayer Video Games
Drew wrote in this week’s Funbag about getting waxed by his own dang kid in FIFA 19. In our staff chatroom, I mentioned that the one time my own young son succeeded in beating me in Street Fighter II on the SNES Classic (after roughly 200 tries), I had to ruthlessly blank him in two straight rematch...
Do Not Blot Out The Sun
Probably nothing anyone does at this point stands more than a remote chance of averting any but the very most extreme, apocalyptic tolls humanity’s trashing of the planet could inflict on the global ecosystem and human society within the next few decades. The time when people could have addressed th...
Help! My Boss Just Followed Me On Twitter
Today, we’re talking about T-shirts, gorilla suits, flowers, peeing, and more....
I Have The Worst Pet Peeve
Okay. Okay. So. An ugly and kind of dumb but real thing that sometimes happens in the life of a more-or-less normal person is, you had the idea that you and your longtime pal Hubert were meeting up for Special Pal Beers together, like in old times, just the two old pals, but then you find out that y...
Behold, Tomato Time Is Suddenly Upon You
A very long time ago (2015), our old buddy Tom Scocca posited, convincingly, that there are eight distinct seasons. This part of the year, from August through mid-September, he calls “Yellow Summer,” and ranks as the fifth-best season, which seems fine. After all, it’s muggy and buzzy and gross outs...
A Good Plant: <i>Ilex Opaca</i>, The American Holly
It has been a rough year for my five little holly trees, transplanted last spring from a nursery to the muddy, weedy slope of the western edge of my home property, along the stupidly long driveway. ...
Exasperated Lacrosse Coach Emails Parents: "Most Of Our Team Focuses On The Fortnight Video Game Instead"
Find a kid with a tablet or computer these days, and chances are they’re watching or playing Fortnite. The online video game in which players build stairs and walls and then shoot each other has spread like a virus, and it’s derailed at least one boys lacrosse team, to the point where the coach sen...
My Enemies In Nature, Ranked
It’s more or less springlike now, pending yet another cruel and absurd outbreak of The Eternal Winter of 2017-18. Here in my absurd forest dwelling, spring means that we are emerging, pallid and blinking, to plant new trees and azaleas, to try with ludicrous and doomed vanity to restore some mowable...
Clean Up Now
A lie I tell myself with dismal regularity is Ugh, fuck, I am too tired and burned out to tidy up tonight, I’ll do it in the morning. That is not how it works. In my more caffeinated moments, this is obvious....
Pickle Some Stuff
No one ever—I checked; it literally has never happened—has gone, “Dang, if only I had not pickled some foodstuffs.” Does this mean pickling some foodstuffs is a good idea for you, right now, wherever you are, even if where you are right now is an important meeting in a grey conference room surrounde...
No Delivery
Here is a scenario that you have probably found yourself in recently: It’s 7:00 p.m., you’re finally home from work after a long day of whatever it is that you do all day at work, and you’re out of food. You don’t want to walk to the grocery store (ugh!), chop up and heat the foodstuffs you’ve purch...
I Am Very Excited To Give Amazon The Power To Unlock The Door To My Home
Great news for insane people and morons: Amazon has disrupted the lock! Now, you can choose to pay money to grant this giant faceless hell-corporation the ability to send strangers inside your locked home when you’re not there. Just like you always wanted....
I Rebuke Your Bullcrap Marshmallow Roasting Tactics In The Strongest Possible Terms
Everybody likes roasting a marshmallow over a campfire or fire pit, the best of autumn’s fire-related food activities. Everybody but me! I am sick of watching the youths butcher delicious marshmallows with their amateurish roasting methods!...
There Are Too Many Shows
There are too many shows on TV. Too many shows! Who can watch all of these shows? I can’t watch all of these shows....
Have A Nice Hot Cup Of Herbal Tea
Shit sucks, right now. Pretty much all of the news is so bad that it’s almost, but not, funny. You can’t even fall back on sports right now! This week I am conducting myself on the internet like a wayward pedestrian forced to traverse Murder Alley, neck stiff, the plane of my face at a perfect right...
So Your Spouse Wants To Bring Sushi Casserole To The Party
What do you do if your spouse, an amateur and not very skilled cook, makes a disgusting and possibly lethal “sushi casserole” and sets his or her heart on bringing it to and serving it at a large, fancy social event, where it almost certainly will meet with humiliating public rejection?...
Pfft, "Solar Eclipse," Big Deal
Apparently many of the youths are very excited about a “solar eclipse” today. The moon’s transit will carry it directly between the sun and the earth in the skies over the United States, where, along a certain corridor of geography, it will obscure the sun’s rays completely for a little while. I sup...
Cumin Is Good
Many people are saying, “Huh. Cumin. I do not think I have any particularly strong good or bad feelings about that spice.” They can go to hell! Cumin is not a spice for mild opinions. It is a fuckin’ great spice....
Young Fan Left Miserable After Father's Valiant Effort To Catch Foul Ball Falls Short
A young Rangers fan learned the hard way tonight that parents, no matter how fierce their love and how hard they may try, are not perfect. The moment in question here—his father’s noble but unsuccessful attempt to get him a foul ball. ...