life Page 11 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Possibly Josh Beckett Does Not Understand The Concept Of Stage Diving
Former World Series MVP Josh Beckett was reportedly arrested in Texas after he jumped on stage and flattened the lead singer of a country band at an open-mic night performance, according to TMZ:...
West Ham Set To Give David Moyes Another Chance To Fail
West Ham, despite having no reason to, have sucked for the better part of a year now. Because of this, today they’ve finally decided to fire manager Slaven Bilić. Probably a smart move. What probably isn’t a smart move is entrusting this squad of very talented attackers to David Moyes, an old, stodg...
Miami Fan Charged With Felony Battery After Getting Slugged By Cop
The drunken Miami Hurricanes fan seen getting knocked out by a punch from a Miami-Dade police officer while being carried out of yesterday’s Virginia Tech-Miami game is now being charged with felony battery on a police officer, according to an Associated Press report....
Clean Up Now
A lie I tell myself with dismal regularity is Ugh, fuck, I am too tired and burned out to tidy up tonight, I’ll do it in the morning. That is not how it works. In my more caffeinated moments, this is obvious....
The NFL's Stupid Pizza Wars Were Always Coming
Before he was installed by the electoral college as Supreme Grand Primate Of THE GREAT UNRAVELING, Donald Trump was just one of the more poignant accounts on Twitter. There was nothing sympathetic about him, really, because there has never been anything sympathetic about him. He has been the same wa...
I Can't Stop Laughing At This Rich Hill At-Bat
Dodgers starter Rich Hill was clearly determined not to give away a third-inning plate appearance last night, though he employed some weird-ass strategies to try to battle off Justin Verlander, who was still dealing at that point in the game....
Oh Yeah, And There Was An Idiot On The Field
As I write this the score is tied at 12 and it’s still the ninth inning. Will there be more? Who knows. Here’s an incident that happened who cares ago back when the score was who can remember to who gives a shit. A half-naked man wearing star-spangled shorts rushed the field and briefly escaped secu...
Pickle Some Stuff
No one ever—I checked; it literally has never happened—has gone, “Dang, if only I had not pickled some foodstuffs.” Does this mean pickling some foodstuffs is a good idea for you, right now, wherever you are, even if where you are right now is an important meeting in a grey conference room surrounde...
No Delivery
Here is a scenario that you have probably found yourself in recently: It’s 7:00 p.m., you’re finally home from work after a long day of whatever it is that you do all day at work, and you’re out of food. You don’t want to walk to the grocery store (ugh!), chop up and heat the foodstuffs you’ve purch...
I Am Very Excited To Give Amazon The Power To Unlock The Door To My Home
Great news for insane people and morons: Amazon has disrupted the lock! Now, you can choose to pay money to grant this giant faceless hell-corporation the ability to send strangers inside your locked home when you’re not there. Just like you always wanted....
I Rebuke Your Bullcrap Marshmallow Roasting Tactics In The Strongest Possible Terms
Everybody likes roasting a marshmallow over a campfire or fire pit, the best of autumn’s fire-related food activities. Everybody but me! I am sick of watching the youths butcher delicious marshmallows with their amateurish roasting methods!...
Colorado Springs Police Beg Us To Stop Calling About The Mad Pooper, Who Is Still At Large
The Colorado Springs Police Department’s public information officer audibly sighed into the phone Monday as he told me, again, that there were still no updates on the hunt for the Mad Pooper, the feculent jogger who has been terrorizing the city....
Patriots Fans Gather To Burn Their Stuff
I want you to try and imagine what an aggrieved Patriots fan who is so mad about some of New England’s players kneeling for the national anthem that he threw a party for other aggrieved Patriots fans to come and burn their Pats gear might look like. Okay, do you have the image in your head?...
Extremely Dedicated Shark Bites Man, Refuses To Let Go
Ervin Maccarty suffered through a rather unique shark attack earlier this month—one in which the shark just would not let the hell go of him. With the small nurse shark attached to his stomach, he climbed back on his boat off the coast of Florida, where his friends tried to help him. Some choice quo...
Packers Fan Suing Bears Gets On Soldier Field In Atlanta Falcons Jersey
The Packers and Bears resume the oldest rivalry in professional football tomorrow night, with the Bears visiting Lambeau Field for the teams’ 195th meeting. (The series, amazingly, is currently tied 94-94-6.) One man who will be in attendance for the game is Russell Beckman....
There Are Too Many Shows
There are too many shows on TV. Too many shows! Who can watch all of these shows? I can’t watch all of these shows....
A Jogger Dubbed The "Mad Pooper" Is Terrorizing Colorado Springs<em></em>
There’s no use trying to skirt around this, so let’s cut straight to the chase: A Colorado Springs woman has been taking big craps in front of someone’s house for a few weeks now. They’re calling her the Mad Pooper and she won’t stop. The cops are involved. It appears to be some sort of revenge poop...
Idiot On The Field Slips Several Tackles Before Being Detained By His Own Lack Of A Vertical
Here’s a dipshit invading the field in Houston tonight, as is the Idiot’s way. He dodges a few tackles but finds his path blocked by the very low right field wall; it’s still too tall for his limited leaping ability (though it looks like that might be an usher playing defense on him). ...
Have A Nice Hot Cup Of Herbal Tea
Shit sucks, right now. Pretty much all of the news is so bad that it’s almost, but not, funny. You can’t even fall back on sports right now! This week I am conducting myself on the internet like a wayward pedestrian forced to traverse Murder Alley, neck stiff, the plane of my face at a perfect right...