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Manchester United Are The New Old Liverpool
It’s been so bad for so long that it’s time to stop worrying about when or whether it would happen and just admit that it already has: Manchester United have Liverpool’d themselves....
Crystal Palace's Patrick van Aanholt Scores Late Winner To Bring Down Toothless Manchester United
It appears that no matter how hard they try, Manchester United are unable to shake the fact that mediocrity is now a staple characteristic of the once-dominant (if that even means anything anymore) club. Case in point is the fact that the focus of this summer’s transfer window was to bolster the def...
Report: Manchester United Manager Reamed Out Romelu Lukaku For Exposing That Luke Shaw Is Slow
Romelu Lukaku has officially moved from Manchester United to Inter, which means it’s time for those deliciously juicy stories about how the relationship soured to start popping up. The Times has one particularly funny nugget, about how manager Ole Gunnar Solskjær subjected the Belgian to a “‘brutal’...
Manchester United Travel Halfway Around The World And Still Can't Escape Liverpool Fans' Trolling
If you had to point at a single day that represents the absolute nadir of being a 21st-Century Manchester United fan, you could make a strong case that today, July 11, 2019, is that day. The team itself is a joke. Their best player desperately wants out. Both the Red Devils’ biggest rivals are in pe...
Huddersfield Town Snapped A Corner Flag And Manchester United's Top-Four Chances
Manchester United didn’t control their top-four destiny going into Sunday’s match against Huddersfield Town—a club that had been guaranteed relegation for quite some time now. Three points from a win was the minimum required to keep any hopes of Champions League qualification alive, but they also ne...
Nobody Enjoyed PSG's Beatdown Of Manchester United More Than Ángel Di María
Manchester United hosted Paris Saint-Germain in the Champions League today. PSG winger Ángel Di María once enjoyed a brief and ignominious tenure at United. These two facts made for a predictably tetchy atmosphere at Old Trafford, with the United fans wanting to express their still simmering anger a...
José Mourinho's Failed Tenure At Manchester United Is Finally Over
After two-and-a-half bad and boring seasons at Manchester United, the club announced today in some euphemistic language that manager José Mourinho has been tossed out on his ass. This decision to get rid of Mourinho is both overdue and yet still surprising, which says so much about the ruinous state...
This Is How Liverpool Will Win The Premier League
Liverpool are legitimate contenders to win all the big trophies this season for the simple reason that their starting lineup is crammed full of players who are amongst the very best at their positions. Mohamed Salah, Virgil van Dijk, Alisson, Trent Alexander-Arnold, the forward line generally, the f...
It Must Suck So Hard To Be A Manchester United Fan
Try, if only for a moment, to go inside the mind of a Manchester United fan....
Manchester United Score Late Winner, José Mourinho Freaks The Fuck Out
José Mourinho fancies himself something of a rock star, so it was fitting when he reacted to Marouane Fellaini rescuing Manchester United with a late winner by treating a couple water bottle carriers like a guitar and kick drum at the end of a metal show....
Paul Pogba And José Mourinho's Relationship Is Rapidly Deteriorating
When last we updated you on the fraught situation between Manchester United manager José Mourinho and his star player Paul Pogba, the two parties were slamming their team’s performance this weekend and low-key (or in Pogba’s case, explicitly) blaming one another for the loss. In just a few short day...
Mourinho And Pogba Agree That Manchester United Suck, But Disagree On Who Is To Blame
If there’s good news to come from Manchester United’s home draw against newly promoted Wolverhampton on Saturday, it’s that José Mourinho and Paul Pogba agree on what the problem is. If there’s bad news to come from that good news, it’s that Mourinho and Pogba more or less think it’s the other one’s...
Lucas Moura Cooking Chris Smalling Is A Metaphor For Tottenham's Spanking Of Man United
It takes a firm lashing of José Mourinho’s asscheeks to get him to walk into a press conference and opine about international humanitarian crises before storming out of the room while doing an unironic Birdman impression, and that’s exactly what Tottenham administered to Mourinho’s Manchester United...
Paul Pogba's Agent Shit-Talks Man United Legend, And Things Are Looking Bad
Following Manchester United for the couple years, it’s hard to combat the sense that Paul Pogba isn’t very happy at the club right now. But for as up-and-down as his return to England has been, it seems like right now—with his manager criticizing him and the team playing poorly and unadventurously a...
Only José Mourinho Can Save Manchester United From Himself
If he weren’t such a hemorrhoidal asshole, you could be inclined to feel somewhat sorry for José Mourinho....
World Rejoices As Shitty Manchester United Team Knocked Out Of Champions League
Yesterday’s Manchester United-Sevilla Champions League match was the best game of the knockout rounds thus far. Not because these are two particularly great teams competing—they both are pretty bad—nor because they played especially well—the game was largely awful. No, this match was great for prett...
Manchester United Avoid Humiliation By Winning A Worthless Manchester Derby
The most interesting part of yesterday’s match between Manchesters United and City—it’s an insult to the proud tradition of the Manchester Derby to use that hallowed moniker when describing an early round match in the most garbage cup competition in Europe, the League Cup—came an hour before the mat...
Mighty Manchester United Back In Soccer's NIT; Back To Taking Ls Against Inferior Opponents
José Mourinho made it perfectly clear before his Manchester United took on Feyenoord in the none-too-eminent Europa League exactly how few fucks he, his players, and his club gave about Europe’s JV continental competition. Karma responded, in its typically darkly funny way, by handing United yet ano...
José Mourinho And Manchester United Are Really Feeling Themselves After The Pogba Deal
Yes, Manchester United won a huge, potentially era-defining victory when they convinced Paul Pogba to join them this summer. It makes sense that everyone at the club would be ecstatic about it. What is less necessary is the way the club, and shit-talk lover José Mourinho himself, appear to be using ...
José Mourinho Is Back, And He's His Old Shit-Talking Self
The José Mourinho Era at Manchester United officially kicked off today as the Portuguese manager was finally unveiled for the job he’s not-so-secretly pined after for years and we’ve all known he would get for months. Judging by the track suit he slipped into for the photo op on Old Trafford’s pitch...