mad Page 44 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Brilliant Shithead Cristiano Ronaldo Had A Brilliant, Shitheaded Game Yesterday
As everyone knows, Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the greatest soccer players of all time. He’s also an obnoxious, petulant brat prone to sneaky acts of outright violence when he feels aggrieved. All sides of CR7 were on display during yesterday’s Real Madrid-Borussia Dortmund match....
America's Beautiful Wonderteen, Christian Pulisic, Just Ran Through Real Madrid<em></em>
Borussia Dortmund, one of the world’s very best soccer teams, found themselves down against Real Madrid, the most famous sports team on the planet, in a Champions League match today. Looking to change the game, they turned to a goddamn American child, 18-year-old Christian Pulisic, to save the day. ...
Michael Essien's 30th Birthday Party Was Just The Saddest<em></em>
Remember those early 2010s Jose Mourinho-led Real Madrid squads, who seemed to fight with everybody—opponents, Barcelona, referees, Barcelona, La Liga, Barcelona, teammates, and Barcelona? ...
Dodgers Roast Madison Bumgarner En Masse After Shoving Match
Yasiel Puig and Madison Bumgarner got into it last night, prompting a team-wide scuffle and the eventual, inevitable Giants collapse after Bumgarner left the game with one hit through seven innings. Thankfully this happened on the first night of a three-game series, so tonight and tomorrow should be...
Madison Bumgarner And Yasiel Puig Yelled At Each Other And Started A Bench-Clearing Shoving Match
Madison Bumgarner got Yasiel Puig to ground out to end the seventh inning tonight in a close one between the Giants and Dodgers. As Bumgarner walked back to the dugout, he and Puig exchanged pleasantries, which prompted Bumgarner to reverse course, and take it to Puig’s chest (these two have an adve...
Lindsey Graham Wants To Destroy America
Nary a single flag-humping horse’s ass, badge-licking fraud, or smarmy nostalgic thinkfluencer in the Western Hemisphere passed up the chance to display performative patriotism in the wake of Colin Kaepernick’s ongoing national anthem protest. Here in 2016, national fabrics both figurative and liter...
Just Make <i>Mad Max: Fury Road</i> Again
I just finished watching this dope-as-hell reel of raw footage from Mad Max: Fury Road, and goddammit, I’m all jazzed up for car crashes and explosions again. So here is my plea to George Miller: please just make Mad Max: Fury Road again....
FIFA Upholds Transfer Bans For Real Madrid And Atlético
Nearly eight months after first announcing transfer sanctions on both Real Madrid and Atlético Madrid in response to rule violations in the signing of underage players, FIFA has officially rejected the two clubs’ appeals. Neither Madrid club will be able to register new players until January of 2018...
Dalilah Muhammad Covers Herself In Gold<em></em>
In 1974, the Iranian national women’s volleyball team competed in the well-recognized volleyball ensemble—shorts and a t-shirt—with their hair uncovered. Today they compete, heads covered, in long-sleeved jerseys and long pants....
These Hurricanes Sure Look Like Something
As Hurricanes Lester and Madeline move in towards Hawaii, waves could hit heights of nearly 34 feet in Lester’s case....
<i>Madden 17</i> Glitch Season Is Officially Upon Us
Are you still buying the annual iterations of a series that peaked a decade ago, shelling out 60 bucks for nothing but updated rosters and the privilege of continuing to be beaten by racist 14-year-olds in online head-to-head play? Happy glitch hunting....
Cristiano Ronaldo Named Best Player In Europe, Wins Creepy-Ass Trophy
Cristiano Ronaldo, the greatest soccer-playing cyborg ever made/animated, had a year to remember. First, he dragged Real Madrid to Champions League glory (pulling them through the least daunting field maybe ever, but hey, winning’s winning) in May. For his next feat, he stood on the sidelines with w...
The Complicated Story Of American Olympians And The Hijab<em></em>
This is the story of two Olympians wearing hijabs. One is U.S. fencer Ibtihaj Muhammad, who is one of the faces of these Olympics, and a vocal stereotype piercer for black Muslim women. The other is Sarah Attar, an under-the-radar Californian who will cover her head, arms, and legs when she competes...
Paul Pogba's Move To Manchester United Is All About The Money
In the end, the process was simpler than many imagined. Any serious follower of the game has predicted for years that, when Paul Pogba—absurdly precocious and ludicrously talented Juventus midfielder—was finally convinced that he’d outgrown the Bianconeri and Serie A and decided to make the leap fro...
Iranian Cyclist Takes A Header Into Concrete Wall During Olympic Road Race
Where most tough bike races are defined by one particularly cruel feature (for example, the cobbles of Paris-Roubaix), the Olympics road race course has everything. The course is packed with cobbles, crosswinds, technical descents, and Grand Tour-length climbs. This is not to mention that Olympic te...
Report: Baylor Lineman Arrested For Alleged Stalking Was Previously Accused Of Sexual Assault
Baylor offensive lineman Rami Hammad was arrested on Monday after he allegedly stalked his ex-girlfriend on the university’s campus. According to Outside the Lines, Hammad was accused of sexually assaulting a different woman last fall, and was later accused of violating a no-contact order that was m...
Baylor Offensive Lineman Arrested For Allegedly Stalking Ex-Girlfriend
Baylor offensive lineman Rami Hammad was arrested yesterday on a third-degree felony stalking charge, three weeks after a Baylor professor called 911 because he allegedly wouldn’t leave his ex-girlfriend alone, according to the Waco Tribune....
Everything's Coming Up Joe Maddon
Judging a baseball manager’s long-term, direct impact on his team is one of the hardest things to do with any true accuracy. There are of course the ostentatiously bad decisions—bringing a young starter out of the bullpen on three days rest, having the three-hole hitter sacrifice bunt, etc.—that are...
Greg Jennings Is Retiring, So Let's Remember His Greatest Highlight
NFL receiver Greg Jennings, who had a solid career and was a key cog in that tremendous 2010 Packers team, announced his retirement today. With Jennings leaving the league, now is a great time to look back and remember his greatest contribution to the game....
The Newest Front In The Barcelona-Real Madrid Rivalry Is Photoshopping Ronaldo's Abs
For the motivated and inspired, there is a nearly unending list of things you can criticize and/or laugh at Cristiano Ronaldo about. One of the few things not on that list is disputing the chiseled nature of every inch of the man’s body. And yet a Catalan TV station tried exactly that when they snuc...