Or: a modern portrait of free agency. Let's count Bradley's stops, working backwards:

Milton Bradley, whose 12-year MLB career was marked by his occasional outbursts at fans, reporters, and umpires, was convicted in a Los Angeles courtroom yesterday of threatening and attacking his wife, from whom he is separated.

Oh god, that's awful, I'm sorry. Let's try this again.

Your morning roundup for Feb. 11, the day the White House has to play whatever cards they have left…

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

The newest Mariner is very sorry for his two consecutive Spring Training ejections. Just kidding! He says he'll never change, and that the umpires are out to get him. [Seattle Times]

The good news for clubhouse cancer Bradley: MLB contracts, unlike NFL ones, are guanteed. The bad news: so are condo leases. Bradley's getting sued by his Chicago landlord for failing to pay up.

The Chicago sports media trade Milton Bradley to Seattle for the remains of Carlos Silva. Nick Johnson will compete for a spot on the Yankees' disabled list. Ladies and gentlemen, this is HOT FUCKING STOVE.

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

Roy Halladay is not a member of the Phillies ... yet. The Toronto Blue Jays' demands of executive bathroom privileges proved too steep for the Philadelphia bigwigs.

Lou Piniella, Milton Bradley and a water cooler — not as sexy a ménage à trois as it sounds. And unfortunately, it turns out the water cooler is the Lucky Pierre in this uninviting threesome.

• No Way This Ends Badly. Cubs, Milton Bradley agree to sane, very thrifty three-year, $30 million deal, pending physical examination. Hopefully will not include psychological testing. [Chicago Tribune]

So I'm wondering which incident in Milton Bradley's storied career prompted The New York Times to ask him to write a blog for them about the All-Star Game? This one, perhaps? Or this? Ah, I know; it was this one, wherein Bradley actually injured himself while trying to get at an umpire, ending up on the DL. That was…

So here's the text of what Royals' TV broadcaster Jim Ryan Lefebvre said that so totally pissed off Milton Bradley on Wednesday. Bradley, you may recall, heard the comments on the radio in the clubhouse following Wednesday's game, and sprinted up four levels at Kauffman Stadium to dismember "introduce himself" to…

So Texas Rangers general manager Jon Daniels said that Milton Bradley was "acting cordially" and "wanted to set the record straight" after Bradley's near confrontation with TV play-by-play man Ryan Lefebvre following their game with the Royals Wednesday. Yep, that's exactly how it sounds to me:

• Miguel Montero > Barry Bonds. Barry hit #750 last night, a 3-2 breaking ball over the rightfield wall that delighted people all over ... well, Pac Bell Park. He's now just 5 short of Hank Aaron, but he does trail Diamondback Miguel Montero in the statistical category of "people who won baseball games on Friday, June…

Some more updates on the domestic abuse allegations against notoriously angry Dodgers outfielder Milton Bradley. The Daily Breeze reviewed the 911 calls that started the whole allegations, and apparently, it was in fact Bradley who made the calls in order to calm down his "crazy" wife.

You know, it had been so long since a good Athlete Beating His Wife story that we were beginning to wonder what was going on. But we can always count on crazy Dodgers outfielder Milton Bradley to take care of us. Bradley — who is out for the rest of the season with a knee injury, allowing the LA media to just pile…