ned Page 58 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Ronaldo Plays The Crying Game
In soccer there is only one thing more humiliating than an own goal; it's when you pick up three prostitutes and later discover that they're all transvestites. (I can see you nodding in agreement). Poor Ronaldo. Not only did he receive "the Brazilian Surprise," but then when he tried to bribe the fa...
1st Round, Fifth Overall: Chiefs Select Glenn Dorsey
The big question in March was whether Dorsey had super-secret-surgery on his balky knees. How secret surgery even possible? I can't get a hemorrhoid removed without six referrals and a signed affidavit from the president of my insurance company. But somehow one of the top NFL prospects can sneak in...
About Last Night ...
What you missed while attending Hitler's birthday party ... • NBA: Mr. Bryant, party of 12; your seat in Round 2 of the playoffs is ready ... Lakers 122, Nuggets 107. • MLB: 10,000-K Run ... Cubs reach milestone win total, and it only took them 107 years. • NFL: Whoever had Dallas in the Pacman Jone...
Pope Benedict XVI Needs To Borrow Your Cup
Close observers of the Catholic religion know that the Pope will always come up throwing after a diving catch; unless it's the final out of an inning, of course. In that case, His Most Holy Father will make sure that the umpire sees the ball in his mitt. Another Papal web gem! I can't count the numb...
Celine Dion Will Heal Olympic Rifts With Powerful Vocals
Celine Dion is about ready to choke a bitch if this Olympic boycott talk persists. Dion called on all people to "keep the dream possible for our young kids." She came to Beijing to express support for the Games after her concert in Shanghai on Friday....
Soccer? Gay? Whaaaaat?
Leave it up to a foreigner to figure out why Americans are so down on soccer. This snippet culled from an editorial on football.uk.com written by Marty Mercado maps out all the reasons the U.S. ignores the sport: overcommercialization, not enough scoring, too multicultural, and, of course, because i...
About Last Night
What you missed while throwing a fit over penis-shaped bendy straws ... • College basketball: Apparently there's some big tournament later this week. • NHL: Florida Panthers are unstoppable, will soon surpass Houston Rockets' win streak. • NBA: Well, this one pretty much seals Seattle's move to Okla...
Never Challenge Blake Hoffarber To A Game Of H.O.R.S.E.
When they were handing out natural disasters in the NCAA conference tournaments, the SEC came up with tornadoes. The Big Ten ended up with lightning striking twice. (The MAC? Perpetual darkness.) Minnesota's Blake Hoffarber's last-second desperation jumper to beat Indiana 59-58 was brain-exploding u...
Ministry Is Now Writing NHL Fan Songs
Anyone who had that collegiate/postcollegiate fervor of metal-sledged revolution will remember the anarchic thrust of the band Ministry. Every time we listened to that band, we were convinced the world was collapsing all around us and only our youthful vigor could save it. Then the song would end an...
Who's Sorry Now? Golf Edition
It's bad enough that your name is John Henry Isenhour III. But now word has leaked that you killed a protected species of hawk with a golf drive, on purpose, and there are criminal charges pending against you. Poor dumb sap. The only thing remaining of course is a phony, slapdash apology. Take it aw...
About Last Night
What you missed while ... is that a PLEDGE PIN? On your UNIFORM??! ... • NBA: Lakers win 10th straight, but does it count if it was against the Heat? • MLB: Dodgers beat Braves in Torre's debut, causing Alyssa Milano to jump up and down and squeal with delight. Welcome back, baseball. • College bask...
To Watch Tonight
What to watch as Barack Obama picks up another critical endorsement ... • College basketball: Notre Dame at Louisville (7 p.m., ET); Southern California at Arizona (9 p.m., ET). I'm having a Pac-10gasm. [ESPN] • College basketball: Saint Louis at Saint Joseph's (7 p.m., ET); Michigan State at Wiscon...
About Last Night
What you missed while overdosing on charm ... • College basketball: Yes, we called this, but anyone could see it coming a mile away. Vanderbilt 72, Tennessee 69. • Politics: Newsweek's Howard Fineman likened Tuesday's Democratic debate to an Ali vs. Frazier fight. Hmm, I don't recall Frazier wearing...
Braylon Edwards Honors Sean Taylor His Own Way
Today the NFL season officially ends with the annual Pro Bowl game in Honolulu. Its a day filled with Gonzo Friday-esque wardrobes, leis, coconuts, and, in this year's, hearfelt Sean Taylor tributes. Redskins reps Chris Cooley, Ethan Albright, and Chris Samuels will all be wearing Taylor's number 21...
Tony Romo Thinks He Can Do Better
Good news, fellows ... Jessica Simpson may soon be available. So for Heaven's sake start wearing collared shirts! (Preferably popped.) Word is that Tony Romo would like to dump her ... only she's not going easily. Hmm. Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction comes to mind here for some reason....
Solving The Mystery Of Eli Manning
OK, let's get real now: Eli Manning is really one game away from the Super Bowl? We thought he was more into squash. What's going on?...
Be A Part Of That Book Tour Business
Hey, it's everybody's favorite time of the day: Sifting out more info about the release of the book!. Don't worry; we're not going too far over the top. We're actually looking for help from you this time. We're gonna organize the book tour....
The Chinese Olympic Swimsuits Are Here ... Yeesh
It's true: One man's sexy is another man's nightmare fuel. Mostly though, aren't these swimsuits just impractical? Aerodynamic they ain't. However, if you're swimming in the ocean I suppose the front there could be used to collect baby smelt and other small bait fish. China never fails to confuse me...
Brian Billick's Last Days
We have made no secret of our enduring love of The Dugout, both in its original incarnation and its current, non-expletive form at AOL Sports. But you think these guys just know baseball? Pshaw....
About Last Night
What you missed while officially retiring these words and phrases ... • College football: Tebpwned ... Michigan's 41-35 win over Florida in Capital One Bowl is considered a huge upset, which is why Lloyd Carr won't be coaching anymore. • Tennis: Davenport victorious in return to tournament play in f...