nes Page 500 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Your Halfhearted Stanley Cup Pants Party
We have felt somewhat guilty around these parts for our almost total lack of Stanley Cup coverage. We have meant no offense; we just don't get a particularly strong "Holy crap, the Stanley Cup finals are starting tonight! Gooooo Hurricanes!" vibe. In fact, since the NHL playoffs started, we've recei...
Question Seems Perfectly Logical To Us
Former Minnesota Twins Bert Blyleven occassionally takes time out of pleading for Hall of Fame election — justifiably, if you ask us — to broadcast Twins games for Fox Sports. The other evening, he was put in the unfortunate position of having to talk to former "American Idol" contest Ace Young (a...
With Nothing Between Sanity And Madness But A Thin Layer of Polyester
In truth, Kellia Ramares is dangerously obsessed. The middle-aged woman from Berkeley, Calif. has an unlikely fixation on Diamondbacks outfielder Eric Byrnes, in a way that prompted us recently to purchase an extra deadbolt for our back door, for no real tangible reason, just because. But as Ramar...
Another Nasty, Evil Fan Speaks
Remember that story from the other day, when Cubs outfielder Jacque Jones was heckled by some Wrigley Field fans and were promptly berated by Jones' mother?...
...And The Sex Boat Sails Out Of Our Lives
It looks like we may be officially closing the cabin door on the Minnesota sex boat incident. Both Bryant McKinnie and Fred Smoot pleaded guilty yesterday to disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance on a watercraft. They'll both get fines and community service. And here's a nice quote from t...
A Brief History Of Quincy Carter
For those who remember, and for those who can't forget:...
If You Can Make It There ...
We know that the obvious death of boxing has been thoroughly documented and dissected, but we kind of think this pretty much pushes it into the kitsch category....
They Shoot Theismann, Don't They?
The news appears to be improving for Barbaro, the Kentucky Derby winner who went down during the Preakness with a broken hind leg. Not since that Joe Theisman video did we recoil quite so much during a sporting event (we were all sad when they had to shoot Joe in the lockerroom afterwards, weren't...
Barbaro Cheats; Injures Leg; Will Be Served Later With Fried Rice
The Preakness has come to an end, and there was very little drama involved in determining that there will not be a Triple Crown winner this year. Barbaro jumped out of the gate early and tried to get a head start. He had to be calmed a little bit, and they got him back in the gate. When they start...
Onterrio, Canada
Having been released by the Minnesota Vikings, and suspended until at least October, running back Onterrio Smith is heading to the Canadian Football League, where the laws about fake penises are much more relaxed....
Culpepper Now Free To Have Naked Women Dance In His General Vicinity (But There, And Only There)
New Dolphins quarterback Daunte Culpepper need not worry about the potential new ramifications of the term "lap dance" from jail; he has been cleared of all charges in the sex boat incident. His former teammate Moe Williams was not so lucky; he'll still have to strand trial, along with decidedly m...
Three Tiny Tidbits On: The Twins
Baseball is here! Inspired by an old feature on The Black Table, we're previewing the season by going team-by-team and distributing Four Things You Don't Know about them. If you have suggested oddities on your team, send them to us at [email protected]. Today: The Minnesota Twins....
It's Almost Opening Day! AL Central Preview
We almost forgot in all the George Mason hysteria, but, jeez, folks, baseball starts, like, Sunday. So, we figured it was probably time to start paying attention. Henceforth, we're going to be previewing each division, two a day, through the end of the week. We thought we'd start with the America...
Dhani Jones Has Happy Feet That Can't Be Beat
We have been called a "chronicler of athlete misdeeds," though we think we're a little more optimistic than that; we prefer "chronicle of athlete malfeasance." Or even "athlete tomfoolery." Whichever; pick your poison....
What Is A Lap Dance? You Know, In An Existential Sense, Aren't We All Just God's Lap Dancers?
So the Vikings sex boat trial in Minnesota is going on, like, right now. Well, kind of; former quarterback Daunte Culpepper and fullback Moe Williams are trying to talk a judge into dismissing charges against them. The two players were charged, pretty much, with receiving lap dances, which has spu...
This Is How We Shock The Wheat
Prepare yourself for a full week of intense Shocker coverage: Wichita State has advanced to the Sweet 16 with a convincing win over the Tennessee Volunteers. PJ Cousinard sliced and diced his way to 20 points for the Shox. That's an actual wheat shocker on the left, there....
Oh, You Clever Shocker Cheerleaders
Okay, so that Florida/Milwaukee game wasn't as good as I thought it would be. The Gators ended up winning by 22, which is not what you'd call close. Still, to me, it felt like less of a blowout than the Duke/GW game. Maybe it's just me....
Now It Gets Real
Duke has put the finishing touches on their romp of George Washington. They're the first team in the Sweet 16, Dick Vitale has written them in on his bracket with a glitter pen, and blah blah blah... We're done with the appetizers. Here comes the steak....
NCAA Pants Party: Connecticut Vs. Albany
Connecticut Huskies (27-3) vs. Albany Great Danes (21-10). When: Friday, 7:25 p.m. Where: Philadelphia...
Culpepper To Spend Plenty Of Time Near Water
The Orlando Sentinel and FOX Sports are reporting that the trade is official: Daunte Culpepper has been traded to the Miami Dolphins....