nfl Page 951 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Ookie Is No Dummy
Ladies and gentlepeople, we have finally figured out what we will do if we are ever convicted of a felony, other than "try to grow a mustache and move to Turks and Caicos." We're gonna make sure we smoke as much weed as possible, and then get caught....
Bring Your Umbrellas To Paul Brown Stadium On Monday
There might be no better metaphor for the beginning of the Cincinnati Bengals' season than the fact that fans have been noticing bird poop in their beers....
Drink Up, Sports Fans
In the tradition of Michael Jordan (or Derek Jeter) cologne comes a flavor of Jones Soda that's designed to make your mouth a-water: It's perspiration soda....
Drew's Guide To The Proper NFL Viewing Position
Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon....
Ladies, Line Up For Roy Williams
Lions wide receiver Roy Williams is making $1,515,000 this year, which is actually a little less than you might think, considering Jon Kitna is being paid $5 million. Therefore, Williams, under such obvious financial constraints, has to keep a close eye on his bottom line. That is to say: He's amazi...
Brett Favre, On The Edge Of History
This week, in Minnesota, Brett Favre is likely to break Dan Marino's record for most career touchdowns, notching 421. This will give him a one-touchdown lead and, of course, a one-Super Bowl lead. But we always forget: Favre is on the precipice of another record Sunday as well....
God Apologizes For Helping Kitna
Lions quarterback Jon Kitna, just eight wins away from that preseason prediction, claimed last week that God healed his concussion, allowing him to play last week against the Eagles. You might have wondered what God thought about this. Well, Sportsline's Clay Travis has talked to God, and he's sorry...
BREAKING: Ron Mexico Smokes Pot!
So this is gonna blow your mind, folks: A couple of weeks ago, when matters might have been somewhat stressful for Michael Vick, he ... tested positive for marijuana. You think you know a guy....
The Norv Turner Hall Of Horrors
We hate to harp on this whole Norv Turner thing — really! — but when we were looking for a picture to go with MJD's Smorgasbord column this week, we knew we wouldn't have to search long to find an anguished photo of Norv. We think it was already on every other site anyway....
ESPN's Disastrous "Town Hall Meeting"
We didn't watch ESPN's timely Michael Vick Town Hall Meeting last night, but from just about every account, it was a total disaster. The audience was so partisan for Vick — which, to be fair, is the opposite of what you typically see — that anyone who so much as pointed out that Vick confessed to el...
There's Only One Answer To The Bears' QB Problem
After Sexy Rexy Grossman's third consecutive — or fourth, or fifth, or whatever — horrific appearance last week, Bears fans are screaming for backup Brian Griese. But let's not forget: He's got plenty of baggage himself....
Kansas City Wolf Will Protect This House!
Notice how the guy is enjoying his moment in the sun until confronted by the wolf, at which point he hesitates like a frightened deer, allowing stadium security to mop him up. This is classic wolf hunting technique; the alpha male driving the prey toward the rest of the pack, which then brings it do...
This Week In The SSW
For years — OK, a couple of days — Slate writer Robert Weintraub has been tinkering with a concept called The SSW, short for "The Sean Salisbury Wisdom," which tracks the consensus of the football punditocracy to ensure those triumphant declarations from Friday aren't flushed down the memory hole on...
That'll Be All For The Saints
When our heart bleeds today, it bleeds for Balk: The Saints, after their brief moment of excitement and inspiration, appear to suck again. It was fun while it lasted....
MNF Heads Back To New Orleans
We suspect that tonight's "Monday Night Football" telecast from the Superdome will have the electricity and emotion of last year's MNF game, if just because we don't think Bono's gonna make the trip this year. (However: "Cowboy Mouth" will be in the house!_...
NFL Players Move Around Less Than You Thought
We know that football is a violent game, full of huge men slamming into each other at frightening rates of speed. But, so you know, the 60 minutes of football you watch actually features less action than you think it does....
Norv, Baby, Norv
The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy....
It Is Indeed Always Sunny There
On the whole, Philadelphia fans were awfully supportive of Donovan McNabb yesterday, and sheesh, why wouldn't they be? He threw four touchdowns and torched an undefeated team. (Well, Detroit, but still.) But this is Philadelphia: There are always a few grumpy holdouts....