nfl Page 995 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
It's An Intriguing Night In Prince Country
Kind of a quietly fascinating game tonight on "Monday Night Football:" The Patriots, who keep winning even though no one's particularly impressed by them, travel to face the Vikings, who have attempted to fix their sex boat-related woes by hiring a bald mustached man who appears to have never had se...
We're Freaking McNuts, Man, And We McLove It
You know ... it's possible that Eagles fans are becoming rather upset with their team's play of late....
NFL Week Eight, Update #4
• Colts 34, Broncos 31. If the Colts weren't the class of the AFC before this week, they certainly are now. They went into Mile High against a nearly impenetrable defense, hung 34 points on them, and got the win on the foot of Adam Vinatieri. No one else has come close to being able to do that to De...
NFL Week Eight, Update #3
• San Diego 14, St. Louis 7. Shawne Merriman has two sacks for the Chargers, and has been awfully jubilant about them for a guy with such a large and dark cloud hanging over his head. It would take an even bigger set of balls, though, if he were to mimic jabbing a syringe into his ass after he got a...
NFL Week Eight, Update #2
• Jaguars 13, Eagles 6. Alright, the Eagles officially aren't that good. You may have figured this out before me, but I'm now convinced. They just managed six points in a home game that they pretty much had to win. The Garrard/Leftwich issue was probably not a factor... the Jags won while getting 87...
NFL Week Eight, Update #1
• Baltimore 28, New Orleans 7. The Ravens have completely bottled up Dulymus McAllister and Reggie Bush... combined rushing and receiving, Bush and McAllister have combined for a total of 7 yards. The Ravens are doing just about anything they want... save for one long Drew Brees to Joe Horn TD pas...
Week 8 NFL Preview:
Falcons @ Bengals. Chad Johnson—er, excuse me—Ocho Cinco has promised two touchdowns and two endzone dances, and if he doesn't deliver, I'm never going to forgive him. I said last week that the Panthers/Bengals game was probably our last chance this year for a good endzone celebration, but Chad John...
The Scary Kind Of Skullcap
Not that many days left until Halloween, and in the tradition of the great Randy Moss mask, we happily introduce you to the Chad Johnson Mohawk Head Piece....
Who's Sorry Now?
It's been quite a year so far for youth football, hasn't it? Spectators being mistaken for terrorists, police officers tasering rambunctious fans ... one concerned parent even pulled a gun on a coach. Compared to that, the following may not seem like much, except for the heartfelt, tearful apologi...
Would You Like Claws With That?
Todd Haley is the receivers coach for the Dallas Cowboys, which means, as is, his life is pretty much terrible. He also doesn't have much time to cook, since he apparently only takes his family out for McDonald's. That's bad enough, but even worse when they McSalad has a huge freaking rat in it....
That's Nothing: We Once Got Busy In A Burger King Bathroom
Well, it's not exactly the greatest all-time bathroom stall story, but hey, it's Seattle, not Tampa: We'll take what we can get....
They May Take Our Lives, But They'll Never Take OUR PENIS!
Indiana police and Purdue campus security will be keeping a sharp eye on the student section at Ross Ade Stadium on Saturday. Why? This letter, received by the Purdue student newspaper on Tuesday, should explain things:...
Matt Leinart Produces Spawn
We'd like to formally welcome Cole Leinart, son of Buzzsaw quarterback Matt Leinart and former USC basketball player Brynn Cameron, to this rotating orb we call earth. Cole Cameron Leinart was born Tuesday night in California, and Leinart was there, which was nice, because he's not gonna be around f...
Lynn Swann Brings Many Skills To The Political Table
Not to bring up politics again, but as many as you know, former Steelers Hall of Famer Lynn Swann is running for governor of Pennsylvania. As anyone who has ever spent time in the general vicinity of the great city of Pittsburgh, part of your duties as political candidate is to play beer pong with y...
Ben Roethlisberger Falls To Pieces
We don't mean to imply that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is suffering from an alarmingly high number of ailments right now, but we think we saw this sign on a telephone pole outside our current Mattoon dwelling earlier today....
Well, That Didn't Take Long At All
Not that you couldn't see this coming, but we'll confess, it's somewhat sooner than we necessarily expected....
That'll Be All, Bill
You know, it's funny: The Dallas Cowboys' season appears to be disintegrating, and even though Terrell Owens had to go so far as to try to kill himself to derail the team, he seems to be the least of their problems....
No Steroids In The NFL, Nope: That's Baseball's Problem
If you will, a case study:...
Donovan McNabb Has A Weak Constitution
Amazingly, Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb did this before Buccaneers kicker Matt Bryant kicked a 62-yard field goal — with room to spare! — to beat his team yesterday....