nit Page 182 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
<i>Fortnite</i> Players Immediately Find Worst Possible Uses For New NFL Skins
In an attempt to burnish their brand in the eyes of the nation’s population of shrieking nine-year-olds who steal their mothers’ credit cards to cosplay John Wick in a bad video game, the NFL has partnered with Fortnite and released a bunch of official skins and other crap. Predictably, players imme...
José Mourinho Caps Quintessential Win With Quintessential Assholery
Juventus had little trouble bossing Manchester United in the Champions League today. The Italian team was in control for the vast majority of the match and, if not for some shaky finishing, probably would’ve won with ease. But even during this struggle of a season, United manager José Mourinho prove...
Remember When Donald Trump Asked If Pittsburgh Was Going To Bring Back Joe Paterno, Who Was Dead?
When Donald Trump is dropping remarkable word-turds every single day, some of them will inevitably be lost with the passage of time. In the last two weeks alone the Big Wet President has renamed a simpering fatberg “Beautiful Ted,” and he’s asked every man in an audience of 6,000 to raise his hand ...
Some Sicko Made These Senior Tour Golfers Try To Do <i>Fortnite</i> Dances
Pop culture gets absorbed by sports fairly quickly, but it has to travel light years farther to reach golf. That’s why some cruel person at the PGA is now making these senior tour pros try to recreate dances from Fortnite, the popular online video game that is also the reason you see all those kids ...
DC United's Nick DeLeon Scores Clutch Game-Tying Goal, Then Chokes Away Decisive Penalty Kick
Well this was all very dramatic. DC United were down 2–1 in the 116th minute of Thursday night’s knockout round match against Columbus Crew, until Nick DeLeon ripped home a clutch equalizer from the edge of the box off a blown clearance....
Life Must Go On During A Military Occupation
This piece is part of a recurring series that aims to be a complete guide to the laws of war. You can read previous entries here....
Keepers Wield More Than Just Guesswork In The Battle Against Penalty Kicks
Penalty kicks are bad. They’re dramatic and can be a fascinating experience out of context, but we don’t get to experience them out of context. We have to deal with penalties as a clumsy method of deterring fouls in the box and as a makeshift solution to tied games dragging on forever. The fact that...
A Taxonomy Of Calls For Unity In The Hardcore Scene
On Leap Day several years ago, Bold, the hardcore band, played the East Village coke den Lit Lounge’s packed basement in front of a hundred or two hundred people. The band, well into their middle age, hadn’t released a record since 1989, and are best known for punk songs they wrote as teenagers. Sin...
Cristiano Ronaldo Faces, Mostly Dodges Questions About The Rape Allegation Against Him
Today, Cristiano Ronaldo had his first public press conference since Las Vegas police earlier this month reopened a 2009 investigation of a rape allegation against him. The Juventus star was asked directly about the accusation, but he responded by primarily talking about how great his life is....
Everyone, Including The FA, Is Overreacting To The José Mourinho-Marco Ianni Thing
Just after Chelsea’s Ross Barkley scored the equalizer in the 96th minute of their match against Manchester United on Saturday, Chelsea assistant coach Marco Ianni ran onto the field in front of United manager José Mourinho, heaved an almighty fist pump, and then jogged back to his bench. As Ianni h...
Old Man Wayne Rooney Has Officially Dragged D.C. United Into The Playoffs
Three months after sitting at the bottom of the MLS’s Eastern Conference playoff race, D.C. United have secured a playoff spot, thanks to the efforts of Old Man Wayne Rooney. He scored two goals in today’s 3-1 victory against NYCFC to make the postseason berth official....
José Mourinho No Longer Tolerates Over-Celebrating, Apparently
After a second Anthony Martial goal put Manchester United up 2-1 against Chelsea in the 73rd minute, it looked like José Mourinho had inspired his side, yet again, to put in a second-half comeback performance to seal a win. Three point would have given Mourinho his first victory at Stamford Bridge s...
Sue Paterno Endorses Candidate Who Got Penn State Its Wins Back
Before someone tries convincing you that America’s relationship with college football is healthy, normal, and totally fine, remember this campaign video. Pennsylvania State Sen. Jake Corman is up for re-election this year; the Republican has been in the Commonwealth’s Senate since 1999, when he ran ...
What Is John Elway Talking About In This Inane Political Ad?
As a general rule, vague political advertisements are vague for a reason. Everything is broken and sinking and extremely on fire, but we’re not yet at the level of Shitworld where unpopular and unappealing ideas can effectively be presented as themselves and on their own merits. We are heading in th...
Old Man Wayne Rooney Adds Ridiculous Free-Kick Goal To MLS Highlight Reel
Former Manchester United star Wayne Rooney’s first season in MLS was already a huge success before last night’s game against Toronto. He came into it with nine goals and seven assists in 18 appearances, and as the owner of one of the best soccer highlights you’ll ever see. In the 18th minute of last...
Usain Bolt, Aspiring Soccer Player, Scores Two Goals In His First Start
Usain Bolt’s conversion from track star to soccer player continues apace. In August, Bolt got his first taste of the footy when he came off the bench for Australian team Central Coast Mariners in a friendly match and actually acquitted himself fairly decently. He built on that performance today, mak...
The USWNT Looks As Good As Ever And Is Rolling Toward The World Cup
CARY, N.C. — How are we not talking about this team all the time? Sustained dominance is easy to take for granted, sure. And as far as it has come in recent decades soccer still isn’t close to leading the sports conversation in the USA. These are answers, and they aren’t wrong, but they mostly evade...
José Mourinho's Job Saved By Former And Current Scapegoats
José Mourinho will likely survive another matchweek at Manchester United thanks thanks to an incredible comeback led by players who have few reasons to play hard for their manager....
José Mourinho Is Cornered
Usually when Manchester United manager José Mourinho—who has been presiding over a plummeting team full of star players who hate him—is backed up against a wall of his own failings, he reacts by talking some insane and/or defensive shit or by storming away in anger. In his pre-match press conference...
Nobody Was Prepared For The Horrors Modern Warfare Brought To Civilians
This piece is part of a recurring series that aims to be a complete guide to the laws of war. You can read previous entries here....