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Does Robin Lopez Have Teeth In His Hair? An Investigation
This Halloween season, Jabari Parker was asked to do something very, very spooky and unpleasant. No, not “impede literally any professional basketball player’s movement towards the hoop,” but just “reach inside an box with unusual contents.” The contents were the head of Robin Lopez. While gingerly ...

Damian Lillard Scored 34 Points In A Half And Blamed It On A Heckler
Last night’s game between the Blazers and Magic went about how you would have expected it to go, with Portland winning 128-114 and Damian Lillard going off for 41 points. The Blazers were comfortably ahead for almost the entire game, and the real source of drama came from a contest within the contes...

The John Smoltz Urban Legend That Was Too Good To Check
John Smoltz is, at this point in his second career as a color commentator, not really that good at the job. He understands the game well, but he’s also drowsy and grouchy in all the ways that old ballplayers tend to be: checked out and skeptical and reflexively salty about today’s players, grumpily ...

Gosh, I Really Hope The Red Wings Can Manage To Win A Game This Year
They tried really hard. That’s really the best thing you can say about the Red Wings’ relatively close but still inevitable 3-1 loss to the Lightning on Thursday night. The Wings hung with the Bolts throughout the whole game, but eventually found themselves outdone by just a top-notch performance fr...

The Brewers Hate Manny Machado's Guts
Spicy times in the wee hours! A lengthy and bizarre Game 4 ended in the 13th with, of course, a Manny Machado slide. That’s not the close call the Brewers are thinking about, though....

Italy Set To Unleash Lasagna Upon Poland
Italy’s pantry of attacking players has long been worryingly bare, and with the recent injury to striker Simone Zaza, national team manager Roberto Mancini was practically starved for a new flavor to add to the mix. Today Mancini announced that he has at last found the missing ingredient: Lasagna....

The Raiders Had First-And-Goal At The 1 And Didn't Give It To Marshawn Lynch
Down 20-3 to the Chargers in the third quarter Sunday, the Raiders put together a 74-yard drive and threatened to make it a two-possession game. A defensive pass interference penalty gave Oakland first-and-goal at the one-yard line. Marshawn Lynch was lined up in the backfield. Yes, this is all very...

Nobody Was Prepared For The Horrors Modern Warfare Brought To Civilians
This piece is part of a recurring series that aims to be a complete guide to the laws of war. You can read previous entries here....

Kyle Freeland Is A New Kind Of Rockies Pitcher
By the time last night’s interminable NL wild card game was over, your memories of the contributions made by Rockies starting pitcher Kyle Freeland, a second-year player throwing on three days rest, may have understandably faded. A quick refresher: 6.2 innings, four hits, one walk, six strikeouts, a...

Brave Rock Men Thwart Pesky Bear Children In NL Wild Card Slog
Some might remember Tuesday’s NL Wild Card game as classic, cagey postseason baseball. Others may describe it as a painfully slow and annoyingly long slog that lost all of its charm the very moment the ninth inning ended without one team ahead of the other. The luckiest among us will remember it as ...

Javier Baez And Nolan Arenado Share Warm Hug During Live Baseball Play
The Cubs and Rockies refuse to settle this goddamn National League Wild Card game, which is now in the 13th inning. The Cubs had a good chance to end it in the bottom of the 11th, after Javy Baez advanced to second on a sacrifice bunt and the Rock men elected to intentionally walk Daniel Murphy with...

Joe West Was Being Persnickety About Cameras So Bob Brenly Owned Him
Veteran umpire Joe West has been at this a long time, and it seems like he might be suffering some late-season and late-career grouchiness. Over the weekend, he instigated a confrontation with White Sox shortstop Tim Anderson that led to Anderson’s ejection as well as a post-game declaration that “E...

Islanders Goalie Robin Lehner Writes About His Mental Health Struggles: "I Wanted To Kill Myself"
New York Islanders goalie Robin Lehner wrote a candid essay for The Athletic about his years-long addiction to drugs and alcohol, his thoughts of suicide, his time in rehab, and his eventual bipolar diagnosis. ...

Marshawn Lynch Puts Both Teams On His Back For The First Touchdown Of The Gruden Era
The soon-to-be Las Vegas Raiders are getting it done early in Oakland thanks to one of the strongest feats of human strength ever seen on a football field. Marshawn Lynch showed he still had some “Beast Mode” left in the tank when he dragged almost the entirety of the Rams’ defense, and a couple of ...

SafeSport Bans Taekwondo's Steven Lopez, But Will It Last?
The U.S. Center for SafeSport has banned three-time Olympic taekwondo medalist Steven Lopez, declaring him permanently ineligible earlier this week for “sexual misconduct involving a minor.” According to a copy of the notice of the director’s decision and other SafeSport records, which Deadspin revi...

Damian Lillard Is Scooping The NBA's Scoopsters
C.J. McCollum is not the only member of the Trail Blazers’ backcourt who’s also a practicing journalist. Damian Lillard has spent the week outscooping the basketball press. The point guard has turned into a reverse Adrian Wojnarowski and broke news about where a pair of national basketball writers a...

God Bless The Capitals' Party Dummies For Partying Harder Than Any Team Is Allowed To Ever Again
After 44 years without a championship, the Washington Capitals nabbed the franchise’s first Stanley Cup in June. And then they partied about it. They partied, you guys....

Russell Wilson's Super Bowl Interception Drove The Seahawks Mad
Sports Illustrated has a lengthy and detailed autopsy of the Legion of Boom Seahawks out today, and it is plenty juicy. It features current and former Seahawks players anonymously talking shit about Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson, and offers further insight into just how devastating the goal-line i...

Just Like That, The Dodgers Are In Control
Well that happened fast. Just a week ago the Dodgers were in third place in the NL West, 4.5 games back of the Diamondbacks, and enduring all kinds of misery having to do with their season-long disappointment in close games. And here they are, on the first Monday of September, alone with the divisio...