port Page 816 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Counterpoint: Aw, Screw Ryan Lochte
Yesterday Sean headed off the typical pile-on after an athlete misstep by contextualizing Ryan Lochte as, rather than the preeminent dumb jock of our time, just the latest in a long line of tacky and oblivious athlete-mannequins that have always been around. Not a parable, not a lesson—just another ...
Barry Zito Sums Up His San Francisco Giants Career In One Pitch
There are expectations and then there is reality. The expectation, when the Giants signed Zito to a seven-year, $126 million contract, was that his time with the Giants would at least approximate his career to that point with the Athletics. Then, reality....
Andrew Luck Made A Shitty Doodle of Lucas Oil Stadium And It Sold For $1500 On Ebay
People often bemoan the grown men who go autograph hunting, and maybe rightly so, but that's a debate for another day because there is something far, far worse. It is the guy who spends $1500 on a fucking chicken scratch sketch of a stadium drawn and signed by some rookie NFL player who hasn't even...
My Night With The Fake Chuck Knoblauch
As soon as I walk in I try and spot the problem cases. I start my job as doorman in a Brooklyn bar around 9, and by that point on a Friday you've already got a handful of people turned way on. Friday night was kinda crowded, couple of SHOT! SHOT! chanters, one guy nodding off on his stool, but for ...
The Houston Astros Tossed A Band-Aid Into A Flowing River Of Blood
Manager Brad Mills was fired last night. No longer shall he be burdened with holding the rudder of the one-player-currently-making-more-than-$750,000-Houston Astros. The team announced the move via email last night, following a particularly Houston Astro-ish loss to the Diamondbacks. Houston also se...
Man Dives Into Kauffman Stadium Fountain For Adam Dunn's 400th Home Run, Is Arrested
Adam Dunn blasted his 400th home run last night into the fountains at Kauffman Stadium. One industrious and, judging by his jersey, long time Chicago White Sox fan decided to retrieve the ball from its watery grave....
Announcer Says Cowboys WR Cole Beasley Is "Unbeas-lievable," Cole Beasley Vomits
Despite the sickening pun, Cole Beasley finished the game with seven catches for 104 yards. He also threw up a lot. Beasley says it was no big deal, he just got the wind knocked out of him on a hit and he landed on the ball. He also says he throws up a lot....
Melky Cabrera Cooked Up A Phony Website To Try To Beat His Suspension
The New York Daily News has discovered that in an effort to beat the rap on his 50-game suspension, Melky and his "associates" devised a scheme that included purchasing a website for $10,000, making this website appear to sell a fake product and pretending Melky purchased and used the product, unaw...
Here's A Washington Nationals Fan Firing A Gun From His Car While Driving
This is probably one of the dumbest things I've ever seen committed to pixels. This one has it all. We have this spider web-faced genius firing his gun out his window in a residential neighborhood, speeding through a residential neighborhood, pulling over so he can show the camera his other, bigge...
Jay Glazer's NFL Training Camp Survival Kit Included A Steak Knife Under His Pillow
There's a quick question and answer profile on Jay Glazer in the Albany Times-Union that covers most of the usual bases. Terribly boring and soul-crushing jobs at the outset, dogged determination, a secret mixed-martial arts career and eventual success in one's profession....
Umpires Still Blow Call After Consulting With Each Other And That Is OK
Mark Reynolds and Buck Showalter were ejected in the fifth inning last night's game against the Tigers in Detroit. Reynolds was tossed after disputing a call reversal and Showalter for backing up his player....
Somebody Threw A Shoe At Danica Patrick's Car And Knocked Her Out Of A Race She Was Leading
"Something's fucked up" is all Danica Patrick could muster after leading much of today's NASCAR Nationwide tour race at Montreal then being knocked out by a mechanical issue after running over a shoe thrown onto the track by a spectator....
Joe Paterno: "I'm Not Omniscient!"
Joe Posnanski's book on Joe Paterno will be released next week (and includes the quote from Bill James you see above), but various members of the media have obtained a copy. Among other things, the book reveals that Joe Paterno had to be coerced into reading the grand jury presentment by his family ...
Newcastle's First Goal On The Season Was This Curling Strike From Demba Ba
Demba Ba was slow to start his 2011-2012 campaign and then disappeared entirely from Newcastle United's scoresheet after the month of February. It deprived us glorious goals like this one he scored against Manchester United in February....
A Freaking Baby Has Witnessed Two Perfect Games This Season
The kid's name is Bode Dockal and he was at Safeco Field for both Phil Humber's perfect game for the White Sox back in April and more recently, Felix Hernandez's gem earlier this week against the Rays....
Man Escorted Out Of Comerica Park For Being So Drunk He May Have Pissed Himself
Here, for your convenience, are all the classic signs of a person who has had too much to drink. Wobbly knees. Friend struggling to help the person home. Others delighting in the person's misfortune. A brush with law enforcement. Oh, and piss-soaked shorts. [Sweater Punch]...
What To Make Of Ryan Lochte
"It's like having a pet dog for a long time. You get attached to it, and when it dies you miss it."...
Is This The Most Terrifying Weather Alert In The History Of Television?
It's midnight. You're snug in your Nashville bed, or maybe on the sofa with your lips wrapped around a crack pipe, I don't know, but whatever excuse you have for watching Jimmy Fallon, that's it....
Mets Identity Crisis Continues
First it was the return of Jerry Manuel and his weirdo aloof disposition to the Mets. Now, according to the Mets twitter feed, longtime Texas Ranger David Murphy is hitting RBI singles for the team while actual New York Met Daniel Murphy is lost somewhere looking for a position to play. At least th...