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Robert Kraft Got A Ban On Authorities Releasing Video Of Him Getting A Hand Job, For Now
A circuit judge in Palm Beach County has given New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft the temporary protective order he requested—preventing law enforcement from releasing copies of videos that, according to police, show the billionaire twice receiving sexual acts at a massage parlor. Circuit Judge...
F.A. Panel Says Wayne Hennessey Is Too Stupid To Have Done Nazi Salute
No one could have been more delighted to hear that Crystal Palace goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey is apparently a huge idiot than Wayne Hennessey himself. That’s because the F.A. panel tasked with investigating a photo in which the Welsh keeper appeared to have been making a Nazi salute gesture cited tha...
Robert Kraft Is Challenging The Florida Constitution To Keep You From Seeing Video Of His Hand Job
Can billions of dollars buy permission not to abide by a state constitution? Robert Kraft—owner of the New England Patriots, overseer of one of the greatest dynasties in modern NFL history, and self-styled humanitarian (if you ignore the coziness with Donald Trump) is betting yes. He hired some of t...
Frankly An Incredibly Good And Informative, Ah, Preview Of The 2019 NBA Playoffs, Part 2
Good day to you, hoop-sport friends! It’s time for the second part of our extremely on-time and thorough preview of the 2019 NBA playoffs. Today we’ll discuss the important topics of the first-round series that begin, uh, today: When and where they’re on TV, who’s in ‘em, how they got here, and of c...
Frankly An Incredibly Good And Informative, Ah, Preview Of The 2019 NBA Playoffs, Part 1
Well hello there, casual basketball fan! Welcome back... to the crucible of champions. The NBA playoffs are upon us once again, probably within minutes or possibly even before I actually finish writing this very long (and good) blog. Oh crap!...
Lucas Moura's Son Is A Cautious Dribbler And A Very Good Sports Baby
Tottenham handily defeated an already-relegated Huddersfield Town squad, 4-0, thanks to a hat-trick from Brazilian winger Lucas Moura. After the game, he decided to celebrate the moment with his adorable son on the pitch. He put a soccer ball to his son’s feet and told him to kick it to him. Every t...
Prosecutor: There's No Evidence Of Sex Trafficking In The Robert Kraft Case
Palm Beach County prosecutors conceded today in court that there is no evidence of human trafficking in the case at the Orchids of Asia Day Spa that ensnared billionaire New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft. The admission represented a change in law enforcement’s rhetoric from when the charges we...
The Terrible Private Highway Racket Is Coming For My House
You probably missed it because it falls squarely within the genre of normal, pre-2016 government malfeasance, but this week, according to the Washington Post, Maryland state Senator Nancy King (D) shot down a bill that would have made it more difficult for the state’s Republican governor to add toll...
A Cranky And Wishful Preview Of The 2019 Stanley Cup Playoffs
The Stanley Cup Playoffs begin Wednesday, and while it is considered an incontrovertible truth that the Cup is a better entertainment than the NBA Playoffs, it is also its own hot mess in uniquely weird ways, starting with this....
Eden Hazard Is Dragging Chelsea Towards The Champions League
Where on God’s green Premier League table would Chelsea be if not for Eden Hazard? The Blues’ Belgian stud got them at least two extra points singlehandedly today by taking a machete to West Ham in a 2-0 win, scoring a brace to boost his team up to third place. This was the second game in a row in w...
Raúl Jiménez Finally Found A Place Where He Can Be The Hero
Yesterday, Premier League club Wolverhampton made Raúl Jiménez the most expensive Mexican player ever by paying a reported transfer fee of £30 million to make the on-loan striker’s move to the West Midlands permanent. The signing is a savvy one from Wolves’ perspective, as they get a proven goalscor...
Of Course The NCAA Had To Clarify Whether Virginia's Kyle Guy Could Have A Wedding Registry
After proposing to longtime girlfriend Alexa Jenkins last February, Virginia guard Kyle Guy has a wedding date set for this summer, following a season that has gone pretty damn well. As couples tend to do, Guy and Jenkins put up a wedding registry so that friends and family could help outfit their m...
Wealthy Dad Who Bought Harvard Fencing Coach's House Insists It Had Nothing To Do With His Son Getting Into Harvard
Harvard is the latest school to get dragged into the college admissions bribery scandal, although this shady dealing is unrelated to the FBI’s bust. Today the Boston Globe published a doozy of a story about a rich dad who was hoping to get his younger son into Harvard, just so happened to buy the Cr...
Prosecutors Drop Extremely Bullshit-Smelling Charge Against Michael Bennett
Last March, Michael Bennett was indicted seemingly out of nowhere, on a felony charge of injury to the elderly. At an utterly bizarre press conference the next day, Houston’s chief of police called Bennett “morally bankrupt” and “morally corrupt,” and alleged that Bennett had shoved a 66-year-old pa...
Donald Trump Is Never More Donald Trump Than When He's Cheating At Golf
“There are so many ways he just throws up all over golf,” Rick Reilly told The Ringer’s Bryan Curtis for a story that was sort of about Reilly’s active retirement and also about Reilly’s new book on President Donald Trump’s life of crime on the golf course. That book is called Commander In Cheat, an...
Hugo Lloris Reminded Us That There Are Infinite Ways To Craft A Goalkeeping Howler
History will show that Tottenham defender Toby Alderweireld’s 90th minute own goal was responsible for gifting Liverpool a 2-1 win during a tight race for their first league title since 1989-90. History can be a strange and misleading thing. In this case what Alderweireld is responsible for is stand...
Virgil van Dijk Didn't Slip
I don’t know who is going to win the Premier League this season. Manchester City should be slight favorites over Liverpool because of their better record and superior depth, but the margins separating the two clubs are so minute that it’s impossible to feel strongly one way or the other. What does s...
Will Cain Was The Salty Butt Of The Only Good April Fools' Joke
April Fools’ jokes are always exhausting or unoriginal or impressively tone deaf, except when, every once in a while, they’re not. And this year, it was ESPN of all places that managed to pull off a genuinely good April Fools’ Day prank, mostly because the butt of the joke was ESPN’s resident idiot ...
Cardiff City's Neil Warnock Had An Intense Staredown With Match Officials After They Cost His Team Vital Points
Cardiff City manager Neil Warnock was understandably furious after his relegation-threatened squad lost 2-1 to Chelsea on Saturday when Ruben Loftus-Cheek scored a heartbreaking late goal in the 91st minute. Once the referee signaled that the match was over with a whistle, Warnock left the technical...
Liverpool Beats Tottenham On Clusterfuck Own Goal
Liverpool got a humongous two points in the title race on Sunday when what looked like a 1-1 draw with Tottenham suddenly turned into a 2-1 win off a late own goal from Spurs defender Toby Alderweireld....