pr Page 794 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Dallas Cowboys Get What They Want, When They Want It
Irving, Texas, officials possibly suspect that the Cowboy's practice bubble that collapsed last month may have lacked some structure integrity. (Ya think?) They're fairly confident, however, that anyone other than the Cowboys would never have been allowed to build it....
Barry Bonds Was Doing This For The Kids
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap....
Jim Leyritz Fans, Cancel That Flight To Newark
"Jim Leyritz won't be honored Sunday afternoon by the Newark Bears, after all. The former Yankee, who had been scheduled to appear as part of a Legends Sunday promotion by the team, will be replaced by Roy White." The power of the press! [The Star-Ledger]...
The Rehabilitation Of Jim Leyritz Continues Apace, One Minor League Promotion At A Time
Get out your autograph books, kids — it's Legends Sunday at the Newark Bears' ballpark, and guess who'll be there! Why, none other than Jim "Jimmy" Leyritz, the legend on trial for vehicular manslaughter!...
This Is Why Football Does Not Have Innings
A ridiculous experiment in "inning-based" football degenerated into a bench-clearing, crowd-rioting brawl, all because former Michigan quarterback Todd Collins does not understand the basic principles of clock management....
Sonia Sotomayor: Not A Squishy, Wild-Eyed Commie, After All
"Some say," Barack Obama offered this morning, by way of introducing his Supreme Court nominee, "Judge Sotomayor saved baseball." True, at least to the extent that Sonia Sotomayor saved baseball from itself. What Obama didn't say: Sotomayor totally screwed over Maurice Clarett....
Obama's Two Favorite Things Are The Steelers, Making Children Cry
A group of kindergarteners had their hearts broken yesterday when they showed up for a White House tour and were told they couldn't come in because staff had to prepare for the President's visit with the Pittsburgh Steelers. Also, because the tears of the innocent give Barack Obama sustenance....
Yuk It Up, Stoners. The Olympics Torch Looks Like A Doob.
At left is the official torch of the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, and, yes, I realize it looks like someone rolled up half of Humboldt County in the world's biggest Zig Zag....
Hell No, We Don't Want Bobby V. To Go!
Rally the troops! Chiba Lotte fans are protesting to retain manager Bobby Valentine, hanging this banner: "We would rather fight with Bobby, who says we're the world's best fans, than with a front office who calls us worthless." For you non-Japanese speakers, that roughly translates to Backwards K. ...
Michael Vick Escapes From Prison!
Convicted dog murderer Michael Vick snuck out of the federal penitentiary in Leavenworth under the cover of darkness this morning, completely undetected by the media. How does he do it?!...
MLB.com Really Can't Figure Out This Whole Death Thing
According to MLB.com, Nick Adenhart is still the 35th best major league prospect. However, right above his profile, there is an editor's note explaining that he died....
Mariotti Offers A Comforting Hand To Kornheiser, Himself
Shouty Jay Mariotti says he'll miss Tony Kornheiser on MNF, a man with whom he feuded cattily for indeterminate reasons over the years. This seems mystifyingly bighearted until you realize he's actually writing about himself....
For Once, The San Francisco Giants Do Something Smart With Their Money
The Giants have been tinkering with what the propeller-heads like to call "dynamic pricing" — raising or lowering prices depending on variables like weather or pitching matchups. Where I'm from, we just call this "scalping."...
James Harrison Snubs Obama, America
The Steelers' Silverback linebacker has caused many sports fans and journalists to gasp and mutter "you dumb bastard" under their breath after he scoffed at the White House invite....
If You Ban It, They Won't Come
"It" being "unlimited beer." This, and six other cogent reasons why this year's Preakness might be Baltimore's last....
Manchester United Secures Third Straight Premier League Title
A 0-0 draw with Arsenal did the trick. Man U is now tied with Liverpool with 18 titles all-time. And now I'm going to stop talking about soccer before I get something wrong....
Phillies Visit White House
Are they saying "boo" or "Boo-rack"? Get it? Because people from Philly are always booing stuff!...
Requiem For The Pimlico Beer Gauntlet
The 134th Preakness Stakes will take place on Saturday afternoon, but a tradition even older than that has sadly seen its last running—Pimlico Race Course has ended its BYOB infield policy....