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Coutinho Draws Liverpool Level
Liverpool’s star-filled squad struggled with Arsenal’s collection of anonymous jamokes until Philippe Coutinho rocketed home this bender past Petr Cech to draw his side level at the half....

Zlatan Scores, Makes World Reconsider Hatred Of Manchester United In EPL Debut<em></em>
Zlatan Ibrahimović has never once let us down, so there was no question that he would score in his Premier League debut with Manchester United against Bournemouth today; the only question was how. Volley from 40 yards out? Bender from a corner? Hypnosis? If you had your money on “exploiting a near-i...

Tottenham Manager's Feelings Toward Players After Last Season's Collapse: "I Wanted To Kill All Of Them"
When we last heard from Tottenham manager Mauricio Pochettino at the end of last season, he could barely contain his rage following Spurs’ embarrassing defeat to Newcastle, which capped what was almost a perfect season with yet another humiliating St. Totteringham’s Day. He has not forgotten that da...

José Mourinho And Manchester United Are Really Feeling Themselves After The Pogba Deal
Yes, Manchester United won a huge, potentially era-defining victory when they convinced Paul Pogba to join them this summer. It makes sense that everyone at the club would be ecstatic about it. What is less necessary is the way the club, and shit-talk lover José Mourinho himself, appear to be using ...

Paul Pogba's Move To Manchester United Is All About The Money
In the end, the process was simpler than many imagined. Any serious follower of the game has predicted for years that, when Paul Pogba—absurdly precocious and ludicrously talented Juventus midfielder—was finally convinced that he’d outgrown the Bianconeri and Serie A and decided to make the leap fro...

Premier League To Crack Down On "Intolerable Behaviour" Like Players Swearing At Referees
Citing “intolerable behaviour by players and managers in their competitions [that] have reached unacceptable levels in certain areas,” the Premier League announced Wednesday that referees will “take a stronger position and action towards unacceptable participant conduct” next season....

Graziano Pellè Newest Player To Get Stupid Rich By Going To China<em></em>
International tournaments are prime opportunities for both emerging and established talents to showcase their skills on the biggest stages in hopes of securing a move to a more prestigious team or league, and the raise that usually comes with. Graziano Pellè played well enough at the recently conclu...

José Mourinho Is Back, And He's His Old Shit-Talking Self
The José Mourinho Era at Manchester United officially kicked off today as the Portuguese manager was finally unveiled for the job he’s not-so-secretly pined after for years and we’ve all known he would get for months. Judging by the track suit he slipped into for the photo op on Old Trafford’s pitch...

Zlatan Ibrahimović Finally Confirms That He's Going To Manchester United
In an announcement shocking nobody, Zlatan Ibrahimović confirmed today that he will in fact be rejoining his old boss José Mourinho at Manchester United next season....

Jamie Vardy Snubs Arsenal, Agrees To New Contract With Leicester
So, remember just a couple weeks ago when Arsenal set the summer transfer rumor mill ablaze with their uncharacteristic, win-now bid for Leicester City’s Jamie Vardy, which threatened to seismically alter the Premier League landscape? Well, Vardy just killed all that today....

Holy Hell, Are Arsenal Really About To Buy Jamie Vardy?
Normally, we don’t like contributing to the transfer rumor-industrial complex, where newspapers and websites churn out story after story about hypothetical moves backed up with the thinnest evidentiary threads that almost never actually happen. This, however, is different. This is crazy....

Chelsea Literally Own "José Mourinho"
If you’re wondering why it’s been taking Manchester United and José Mourinho to seal their inevitable marriage, you’re not alone. With all the big things like salary and years and the like already hammered out per reports, all that’s left are the small details. Only the small details in internationa...

What Does Brendan Rodgers Really Want Out Of This Celtic Job?
Brendan Rodgers—one of the hottest young names in management just a couple of years ago thanks to his exploits leading a ragtag Liverpool group to the precipice of the Premier League title—selected the next destination on his coaching career this past Friday. At Celtic. In Scotland. Not exactly foll...

Who's Behind The Louis van Gaal Smear Campaign?
We’re reportedly only hours away from Manchester United’s beleaguered manager Louis van Gaal finally getting the ax, and maybe only days away from the similarly inevitable announcement that José Mourinho’s ass will replace van Gaal’s in that gilded though bloodstained manager’s seat at Old Trafford....

Why A Gut-Wrenching St. Totteringham's Day Could Be Just What Tottenham Needed
St. Totteringham’s Day, that annual spring tradition where Arsenal celebrate the moment they’ve definitively affixed local blood rivals Tottenham firmly in their league table rearview mirror for good. It is an achievement almost assumed by birthright at this point, like the Patriots winning the AFC ...
![Manchester Police: "Incredibly Lifelike" Explosive Device "Not Viable" [UPDATE]](https://images.deadspin.com/tr:w-900/ri7gbe6vjwdghrznmzeb.jpg)
Manchester Police: "Incredibly Lifelike" Explosive Device "Not Viable" [UPDATE]
Police have concluded their assessment of the suspicious package that led to the abandonment of today’s Manchester United-Bournmouth match, concluding that while the device was “incredibly lifelike,” it was “not viable.”...
![Suspicious Package At Old Trafford Leads To Match Abandonment [UPDATING]](https://images.deadspin.com/tr:w-900/lqwu77vxrwfwsuidgmkd.jpg)
Suspicious Package At Old Trafford Leads To Match Abandonment [UPDATING]
Manchester United’s match against Bournemouth has been abandoned after a “Code Red” situation led to stands being evacuated and the discovery of a suspicious package....

Report: Everton To Fire Roberto Martínez Today
Well, that didn’t take long. After just three seasons at Everton—the first of which was a rousing success and seemed to mark the manager and club for coming greatness—Roberto Martínez is reportedly all set to be fired today. It’s both understandable and a little strange. Update: It’s official, he’s ...

Sunderland Smash Up Sorry-Ass Everton To More Or Less End The Premier League Season
So that’s pretty much it, eh? We already have our Premier League champions—whose coronation was catered by an exceedingly accommodating Everton team—at the top of the table, and at the bottom we also know which teams are going down, thanks to Sunderland’s victory today, again brought to us by Everto...

Remember When Eden Hazard Did Dope Shit Like This All The Time?
It was only a year ago when Eden Hazard, the pearl of the Chelsea juggernaut that cruised to the title, was skipping and shimmying his way past Premier League defenses with the rakish spirit and effortless grace of one of those dancing tough guys in West Side Story. This year, for both Hazard and hi...