Sunderland Smash Up Sorry-Ass Everton To More Or Less End The Premier League Season

So that’s pretty much it, eh? We already have our Premier League champions— whose coronation was catered by an exceedingly accommodating Everton team—at the top of the table, and at the bottom we also know which teams are going down, thanks to Sunderland’s victory today, again brought to us by Everton.

Coming into the match, Sunderland knew that a win against a (at least on paper) tough Everton side would cement their spot in the league next season and all the millions and millions of pounds in TV money that come along with it. Luckily for the Black Cats, the imposing-seeming names in Everton’s squad have either all forgotten how to play or are in the midst of a Chelsea-esque mutiny, basically throwing games as a way of ensuring that their manager gets canned. Thus Sunderland obliterated Everton by a score of 3-0.

American hero and Toffee backup keeper Tim Howard probably smirked to himself when he saw whatever it was Joel Robles was doing on Sunderland’s opening free-kick goal:

Sunderland defender Lamine Koné went on to score probably the easiest (and likely the only) Premier League brace he’ll ever get when on two separate occasions he saw the ball falling his way and decided to smash it as hard as he could towards the net:

Everton never really looked all that interested in being on the pitch today—an apathy that was only amplified once Sunderland went up a couple scores. The Sunderland players and fans alike wanted to get a few more goals at home to really commemorate the northerners’ impressive league fightback after spending the majority of the season down in the cellar, but instead they had to settle for just the three and the three vital points that came with it.

With the win, Sunderland have locked up the 17th and final safe spot in the league. That means both Norwich and Sunderland’s hated local rivals Newcastle are, along with Aston Villa, consigned to playing next season in the Championship, no matter what happens on the final round of matches on Sunday. This also means that outside of some Europe League jockeying and the very small chance that Manchester City lose to Swansea and Manchester United slip past them for the final Champions League spot, there isn’t too much at stake during this weekend’s season finale.

Oh well. With a small club like Leicester winning the whole thing, and a big club like Newcastle going down—amidst a whole hell of a lot of other great moments—it’s been a pretty great EPL season, regardless.