sadwhimsy Page 2 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Most Embarrassing NFL Team Now Has Most Embarrassing Slogan
It’s never good to be a sports franchise that is so synonymous with failure that the prospect of brighter days ahead seems all but unimaginable. That ship sailed and sunk for the Cleveland Browns a long time ago, but now they seem to be attempting to reach an even more shameful depth. It’s one thing...
Donald Trump Pauses Historically Embarrassing Press Conference To Toss A Soccer Ball At His Wife
Donald Trump just finished up a joint press conference with Russian president Vladimir Putin, during which he has stopped just short of offering to lay down on the stage and suck Putin’s toes. He also interacted strangely with a soccer ball before bouncing it in the direction of his wife:...
Play-By-Play Man Calls The Destruction Of His Own Computer Like A True Pro
Roger Hoover is the play-by-play man for the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp, and during yesterday’s game against the Mobile BayBears, a foul ball zipped into the press box and wrecked Hoover’s computer. Hoover, keeping things professional, just sat there and relayed the action to listeners, describing th...
Diego Maradona Explains His Wild World Cup Behavior: "My Neck Hurt A Lot"
Argentina soccer legend and stubby crazy person Diego Maradona was acting pretty nuts during yesterday’s World Cup game between Argentina and Nigeria. His rolling eyes and sloppy teetering, combined with the fact that he had to be carried away from his seat and visited by doctors after the game, mad...
The Orioles Finally, Mercifully Shelved Chris Davis
It appears the Orioles will not, in fact, let Chris Davis have the worst season in baseball history. Davis hasn’t played this week, and Friday night Orioles manager Buck Showalter reportedly indicated there’s no timetable for his return. This news is less happy than, say, news of Davis breaking out ...
Are The Orioles Going To Let Chris Davis Have The Worst Season Ever?
Orioles first baseman Chris Davis is in real danger of having the worst season in the history of baseball. That’s not a joke or hyperbole. He’s playing unbelievably, historically bad baseball:...
Idiot Snake On The Field Pays Ultimate Price For Love Of Baseball
In the eighth inning of a San Antonio Missions Double-A game Friday night, a true baseball loving snake invaded the outfield and began making his way towards the infield, no doubt in search of the best possible view of the night’s action. Unfortunately, for his curiosity and enthusiasm for America’s...
The Thunder Hit Rock Bottom, Where They Found A Gloating Mitt Romney
If you want a tangible explanation for why the Oklahoma City Thunder are down 3-1 in their playoff series against the Jazz and seem destined for a first-round exit, take your pick: Rudy Gobert has effectively canceled out Russell Westbrook’s ability to drive to the hoop; Russell Westbrook has no jum...
Scott Brooks Looked Like He Wanted To Die
Last night’s game between the Cavs and Wizards was a fun one, featuring LeBron James fully rounding in playoff form and orchestrating a 32-14 run to close out the last 7:48 of the game. The game also offered us a chance to see Wizards head coach Scott Brooks’s soul die, little by little....
Lionel Messi Did Not Have Fun At Spain's 6-1 Drubbing Of Argentina Today
Just a couple of months before June’s World Cup begins, a next-generation Spain squad incinerated a mostly full-strength Argentina in Madrid today, riding an Isco hat trick to a 6-1 laugher. It’s only a friendly, but still, it wasn’t good, and Argentina star Lionel Messi, missing the game with a ham...
Who Killed Pitt Basketball?
PITTSBURGH — I hadn’t even made it to my seat, and Pitt basketball was already living down to my expectations....
Lonzo Ball Lost A Shooting Contest To Bow Wow
If you are a professional basketball player there is one thing you have to understand: Even though losing a casual shooting contest to a non-professional basketball player is not an objectively big deal, it is something you absolutely cannot allow to happen. Why? Because when it does happen, you hav...
Greg Hardy Wins Farcical MMA Bout
Former NFL player Greg Hardy is trying his hand at MMA, and won his debut fight in 32 seconds on Nov. 4. On Friday, he won his second fight in 96 seconds, and the video footage indicates that it was the dumbest fight in history:...
I Saw The Buttfumble Live And It Fractured My Family<em></em>
Sometime in the winter of 2010, my dad sat my younger brother and me down for a talk....
Ned Yost Fell Out Of A Tree
Here’s some news about Royals manager Ned Yost:...
Markelle Fultz Is Shooting Left-Handed Jumpers, For Some Reason
No. 1 overall pick Markelle Fultz is currently unable to play for the Sixers due to an injury to his right shoulder. Since he’s right-handed, the injury has prevented him from shooting a basketball, and yet there he was today during a team practice, shooting jumpers ... with his left hand....
Brock's Back
Let’s do a quick rundown of what has happened to Brock Osweiler over the last two seasons: With Peyton Manning hurt for a good chunk of the 2015 season, Osweiler played in eight games for the Broncos and did Fine, leading the team to a 5-3 record and throwing 10 touchdowns. He was meant to be Mannin...
Giants Heroes Disgrace The Ceremonial First Pitch With Vile Prolate Spheroids
The Yankees today invited four members of the 2007 Super Bowl-winning New York Giants—David Tyree, Shaun O’Hara, Antonio Pearce, and Jeff Feagles—to throw out ceremonial first pitches at today’s home game against the Orioles. Guess what those four assholes didn’t do? They didn’t throw out first pitc...
Look At Rich Hill's Face
One of the best things about baseball is that every game brings the chance to see something that has never happened before during the 100-plus years that the game has been played professionally in this country. This also means that each game brings a chance to see a player get tortured in new and in...