screamer Page 129 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
MLS Invents New Rule To Help Big-Market Teams
Traversing MLS’s ever-shifting labyrinth of player transaction rules has always been nigh-impossible. And somehow or other, now the league has sprouted yet another alleyway to get lost in. Luckily, no matter how winding the path is, you always wind up in the same place: whatever’s best for the big-c...
Cristiano Ronaldo Has A Great Time Getting Felt Up On Japanese TV
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Apparently the aphorism applies a little differently to cyborgs. New evidence shows that a finger or five on Cristiano Ronaldo’s laser-cut abs turns him into a giggling schoolborg who will love you forever....
Clint Dempsey Has Something To Prove
The USMNT’s Gold Cup opener was their first competitive match since the World Cup, and in the broadest sense, it’s all about the next one. Jurgen Klinsmann has said repeatedly how 2015 is a year of “transition” for the roster—reloading, getting younger, starting up the position battles that will pla...
Ronaldo Shills Bullshit Workout Contraption In Ridiculous Commercial
I’m not saying Cristiano Ronaldo is a cyborg, and if he is he’s probably a benevolent one, but if this wild commercial for some weird, obviously scammy Japanese “exercise gear” isn’t really a behind-the-scenes look at Ronaldo’s morning boot-up process, I’ll buy this stuff and have a six pack in no t...
Micronesian National Team Concedes 114 Goals In 3 Games
The Federated States of Micronesia have an international soccer team that is ranked 200 in the world by FIFA. The team entered this year’s Pacific Games in an attempt to qualify for the 2016 Olympics. Things did not go so well!...
Ronaldo Returns Lost Phone, Treats Owner And Her Friends To A Night Out
Cristiano Ronaldo is famous for his many, many goals and the selfish way he goes about scoring them. However, the forward is apparently more than willing to lend a helping hand to a random stranger in Las Vegas, finding a woman’s phone, returning it to her, and taking her and her friends on a night ...
A Brief History Of Gonzalo Higuaín Being A Choke Artist
Just when we thought Lionel Messi would finally end Argentina’s trophy drought and in the process get those dumb doubters from his native homeland off his back for good this weekend, Gonzalo Higuaín went ahead and shat the bed. Since we can’t sing the G.O.A.T.’s praises today, let’s at least take so...
Andrea Pirlo Is Getting PAID In MLS
Despite doling out reams of cash to players like David Villa and Frank Lampard, MLS debutantes NYCFC hadn’t yet snared that big-name, face-of-the-franchise type player you knew they wanted. Until today, that is, when they consummated a months-long flirtation by making Andrea Pirlo the highest-paid p...
For 16 Minutes, Carli Lloyd Was The Greatest Player Of All Time
From the start, it felt like the fate of the United States women’s national team hinged not on talent or tactics or even luck, but on the answers to a series of open questions. Can Alex Morgan get healthy in time to contribute? What do we do with Christen Press and Sydney Leroux? What happens when w...
Videos: Fans React To USA World Cup Win
It’s becoming something of an American soccer tradition: the day after the match, we get to see how our countrymen and countrywomen cheered....
USWNT Shock Japan With Four Goals In Sixteen Minutes, Win World Cup
Soccer matches are 90 minutes long, and most of the time the ball is nowhere near a goal and 18 of the 22 players on the pitch are walking. But there are stretches—two minutes here, two seconds there—in which the players do unimaginable things with the ball and work with their teammates in a way tha...
Here Is Your 2015 Women's World Cup Final Liveblog
Here we go. The United States women’s national team is taking on Japan in the World Cup final. Follow along as we yell and jingoistically babble our way through the game while the Americans attempt to Do The Whole Shit for the first time since 1999....
Freddy Adu Scored The Saddest Free Kick You'll Ever See
Remember Freddy Adu? Remember the guy that was supposed to save American soccer? Four months ago he signed with Kuopion Palloseura, in the Finnish first division. They’re the eleventh team the still-somehow-only-26-year-old Adu has played for: D.C. United —> Real Salt Lake —> Benfica —> AS Monaco —>...
Chilean Satire Mag Makes A Funny About Messi Getting Finger Up His Butt
“Get ready, Messi,” Chilean magazine The Clinical writes, riffing on Chile defender Gonzalo Jara’s recent finger-in-the-butthole move, as well as Lionel Messi’s oft-mentioned otherworldly abilities ahead of Saturday’s Chile-Argentina Copa América final. Pretty clever, you guys!...
"The Worst Team In The World" Is Living Its World Cup Dream
THIMPHU, Bhutan – Six to zero. 6-0. The final score of the June 16 China-Bhutan World Cup qualifier was six to freaking zero in favor of the Chinese. And do you know what the Bhutanese fans did after the game? They sang to the players. They cheered. They screamed with absolute joy when the keeper, H...
Chicharito Fractures Collarbone, Could Miss Gold Cup
Mexico will be without their starting striker for much of the Gold Cup. During last night’s friendly against Honduras in Houston, Chicharito left in the 40th minute after suffering an apparent fractured collarbone. Chicharito was fouled while tracking down a wayward pass, landed on his shoulder awkw...
England Lose World Cup Semifinal In Most Heartbreaking Fashion Possible
For 90 minutes, England stood toe-to-toe with Japan. The match was tied 1-1, with each team having scored a penalty kick, and as the clock ticked into extra time, it looked like we would need 30 more minutes to decide the tie. And then, English defender Laura Bassett made a touch that will haunt her...
Lionel Messi Turns Two Defenders Into Larry And Moe
Look at the image above. It appears to show two well-positioned Paraguayan defenders on the cusp of shepherding the ball away from Lionel Messi. Now, watch the video below, where Messi skips past one, nutmegs the other, and generally jukes them so hard that they crash into each other, left helpless ...
How The USWNT Finally Figured It Out
After toiling in mediocrity for the whole tournament, with players playing out of position, no organizational structure, and no defined individual roles, the USWNT finally came out last night looking like the World Cup favorites we all thought they’d be. Because of that, we’re left with one question...
Landon Donovan Burns Jurgen Klinsmann, Gets Burned By Alexi Lalas
Landon Donovan is retired, and what better way to spend his down time than taking shots at Jurgen Klinsmann for leaving him off the 2014 World Cup roster?...