screamer Page 13 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
France's Women Are On A Mission To Establish Worldwide Soccer Dominance
If the 100 percent non-existent aliens that purportedly flit about Earth’s skies were in fact real, and if they somehow mustered enough gumption in their lily liver-equivalent alien organs to descend upon the far superior human race and challenge us to a pair of soccer matches—one men’s, one women’s...
Nobody Has It Better Than Liverpool
Along the vast spectrum of possible states a soccer club could exist in, there is a vanishingly small patch that, for my tastes, qualifies as ideal....
Neymar Accused Of Raping A Woman In Paris
A Brazilian police document obtained by the Associated Press says Paris Saint-Germain forward Neymar has been accused of raping a woman in Paris last month....
Liverpool Deservedly Win A Rather Dull Champions League Final
In an otherwise uneventful match that was bookended by two Liverpool goals, Jürgen Klopp’s side defeated Tottenham 2-0 for the club’s sixth European title. Mohamed Salah got the Reds on the board early after a very Spursy gaffe gave Liverpool a penalty less than 30 seconds into the game....
Tottenham Couldn't Go 30 Seconds Without Punching Themselves In The Dick
Not even 30 seconds had passed before Tottenham decided to turn up their Spursiness and put themselves in a goal-sized hole against Liverpool in the Champions League final. ...
Spanish Soccer Icon José Antonio Reyes Killed In Car Crash
Jose Antonio Reyes, former Sevilla, Atlético Madrid and Arsenal winger died in a car crash on Saturday. Sevilla, Reyes’s boyhood club, confirmed the news of his passing. He was 35....
Large Norwegian Teen Scores Nine Goals In One Game In U-20 World Cup
This is Erling Braut Håland. The 6-foot-3 Norwegian is 18 years old, and he looks like a lock to be cast as Thor in the certainly forthcoming Teen Avengers movie. He also scored nine times in today’s game against Honduras in the U-20 World Cup as Norway romped to a record-breaking 12-0 win....
Spanish Soccer Team Celebrates Promotion With Awkward Postgame Strip Tease
With their season-capping win on Saturday, soccer club Esportiu Llançà won promotion from Catalonia’s third division (Spain’s seventh tier overall) to its second. To celebrate the team going up, one of the club’s board members arranged for a stripper to enter the locker room after the game and drop ...
Colombian Soccer Player Found Dead Days After Family Reported Her Missing
Leidy Asprilla, a 22-year-old soccer player who had represented Colombia in youth international tournaments, was found dead off the side of a road yesterday. Her family reported her missing on Sunday after Asprilla left home to pick up a teammate for a training session but never arrived....
High School Soccer Player Scores Wondergoal With His Butt
Aside from the arms, every part of the human body is fair game when it comes to scoring goals in soccer. We’ve seen Clint Dempsey score with his dick, and Chicharito score off his face. But it takes a true visionary to turn away from the action, thrust out your hips, and do it with the butt....
Be Horrified By Manchester City For The Right Reasons
On Saturday, Watford were set alight and consumed by flames in the latest sacrificial ritual attesting to the almighty powers of Manchester City. The smoke from that immolation announced City as champions of the F.A. Cup, winners of the first domestic treble in English soccer history, and legitimate...
Soccer Referee Dies After Suffering Heart Attack During A Match In Bolivia
Víctor Hugo Hurtado was refereeing Sunday’s Bolivian first division match between Always Ready and Oriente Petrolero when he collapsed on the pitch midgame due to a reported heart attack. Stadium support staff took Hurtado to a local hospital, where the 31-year-old suffered another heart attack and ...
Suso Channels His Inner Messi With A Near-Perfect Free Kick To Keep Milan's Champions League Hopes Alive
AC Milan’s dreams of qualifying for the Champions League are still alive for now. Their 2-0 win over the already-relegated Frosinone brought them just one point behind fourth-place Inter Milan for the final Italian spot in the competition. That lead was secured thanks to the incredible accuracy of S...
Lyon Trounce Barcelona To Win Fourth Consecutive Women's Champions League Title
Lyon cruised through the Women’s Champions League final and defeated Barcelona 4-1 to win the club’s fourth consecutive UCL title. After scoring four goals in 30 minutes—which included a 17-minute hat-trick from Ada Hegerberg—Lyon were able to sit back, relax and enjoy the remaining hour of game tim...
Happy Trails To Lazar Marković, A Hero To Underachievers Everywhere
Lazar Marković is not a good soccer player. It would even be fair to describe him as an actively bad one, at least relative to the level expected of players at the clubs that have paid him a sizable salary to do anything but play soccer for them these past few years. And yet, until today, Marković h...
Massimiliano Allegri And Juventus Are Breaking Up
After five wildly successful years, Juventus released a statement today saying that the club and manager Massimiliano Allegri would be parting ways at the end of this season....
Nobody Loves Sports Babies More Than Son Heung-Min
The final game of the soccer season is often the time for players and club staff to enjoy the culmination of the long season by mingling with each other and their families out on the pitch, making it prime time for cute sports baby hijinks. Tottenham forward Son Heung-min may be unmarried and childl...
The Premier League Was Decided In 11 Minutes
In the end, it truly is the hope that kills you. When Sadio Mané scored for Liverpool early on in their game against Wolves, it was the start of a frustrating but ultimately fruitful game. The Reds brought it to the surprise seventh-place finishers, scooped up the goal they needed (and another from ...
Crystal Palace Team Doctor Says A Toddler Racially Abused Him And His Kids Outside Palace's Stadium
Zafar Iqbar, a doctor on staff at Premier League club Crystal Palace, was taking two of his kids to Palace’s home match against Bournemouth on Sunday when he says a three-year-old child, walking nearby alongside his father, shouted a racist slur at Iqbar and his children....
Swiss Soccer Match Called Off After Angry Fans Demand Players Give Up Their Shirts And Socks
Grasshopper Club Zurich are historically the biggest club in Switzerland. But for the first time in 68 years, Grasshoppers were relegated to the second division with this weekend’s loss to Luzern. This didn’t sit well with fans, who communicated their anger quite directly to the players by making th...