screamer Page 18 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Once Again, Neymar Might Be Fucked
For Neymar, the events of the past week must feel like an especially haunting instance of déjà vu. Once again, the Paris Saint-Germain superstar came up lame in the middle of a match after a not especially horrific clash. Once again, further tests revealed the injury to be worse than it first seemed...
Qatar Beat The Hell Out Of UAE And Then Got A Bunch Of Shoes Thrown At Them
The UAE had big hopes this winter. The tiny Middle Eastern nation is hosting this month’s Asian Cup, and national team appeared to be on the brink of something special when they qualified for the semifinals against their hated rivals, Qatar. Then Qatar beat the shit out of them so badly today that t...
At Least Real Madrid's Lost Season Has Given Us The Rise Of Vinícius
At just 18 years old, in his first season in Europe, Brazilian forward Vinícius Júnior has already carved out a significant role for himself in Real Madrid’s squad. His emergence as a valuable and now arguably a critical component of one of the best teams in the world happened way faster than anyone...
Notts County Owner Accidentally Tweets Dong Shot, Announces Intent To Sell Team, Says The Two Are Unrelated
Before this weekend, English businessman Alan Hardy owned both Notts County, a fourth-tier English soccer club, and a penis the vast majority of the world had never seen. After his accidentally revealing tweet on Sunday, both of those facts will need to be revised....
<i>Sports Illustrated'</i>s New Business Idea: Streaming Replays Of Liverpool Matches
While most subscription streaming services are competing to snap up rights to live programming in an effort to attract paying viewers, Sports Illustrated, a publication that simply can’t compete with broadcast giants like ESPN or NBC Sports, has bought the rights to show replays of Liverpool matches...
Some Peon Tries To Hurt Neymar, Gets Humiliated By Neymar
About an hour into Paris Saint-Germain’s Coupe de France match against Strasbourg yesterday, Neymar was clowning on his inferiors with his imperial dribbling skills, as is his wont. Strasbourg midfielder Moataz Zemzemi must’ve taken Neymar’s casual demonstration of superiority personally, because he...
The NWSL's Worst Club Is Losing Top Draft Picks Because Of Garbage Management
Last season, the NWSL’s Sky Blue FC limped its way to a 1-17-6 record, landing at the bottom of the league table with a whopping -31 goal difference. Despite having USWNT star Carli Lloyd, the 2018 Sky Blue season was the worst in league history: nine total points, “beating” the previous record of 1...
Barcelona Signed Frenkie De Jong And Now Must Figure Out Who They Want Him To Be
It is glaringly obvious that Dutch midfielder Frenkie de Jong is one of the most exciting prospects in world soccer today. While I and most others writing about him now, after the hotly contested courtship that involved pretty much all the game’s biggest clubs finally came to a close when Barcelona ...
Young USMNT Hotshot Timothy Weah Just Got To Celtic And He's Already Scoring With Ease
Timothy Weah—18-year-old attacking dynamo for the USMNT and Paris Saint-Germain—recently arrived in Glasgow for a half-season loan with Celtic after a few months spent on the fringes of one of the biggest clubs in the world. Earlier this year, he talked about wanting to spend the first half of the y...
Aboubakar Kamara Arrested As Fulham Descends Into Full-On Reality Show
The drama that’s been surrounding likely relegation-bound Fulham keeps getting juicier, as an argument over a missed penalty kick that happened nearly a month ago has since spiraled into an arrest. On Monday, striker Aboubakar Kamara was reportedly arrested on suspicion of actual bodily harm and cri...
Tottenham, Who Were Already In Trouble, Now Look Absolutely Screwed
By almost any measure, Tottenham’s season so far has been a major success. Sitting at third place in the Premier League table behind two juggernauts in Man City and Liverpool, Spurs hold a reasonably solid four-point lead over Chelsea in fourth, and they’re seven points up on Arsenal and Manchester ...
Cops: Wayne Rooney Speaking "Broken English" When Arrested For Public Intoxication
We learned a couple weeks ago that Old Man Wayne Rooney got popped with a public intoxication charge at Dulles International Airport in December. What we didn’t know then was what exactly it was about the twisted-off-his-ass Rooney that attracted the cops’ attention. We do know now. And it involves ...
Cardiff City's Emiliano Sala Presumed Dead After His Plane Disappeared Near France
Cardiff City’s new striker Emiliano Sala is presumed dead after the plane he was on disappeared over the English Channel while on its way from France to Wales on Monday....
Barcelona's Bizarre Kevin-Prince Boateng Purchase Actually Makes All The Sense In The World
In 2019's most bizarre transfer move, Barcelona nabbed up Sassuolo’s bulky attacking whirlwind Kevin-Prince Boateng on a loan deal until the end of the season, with a reported $9 million option to buy in the summer. When soccer enthusiasts woke up on Monday, KPB was still a fun curio, a “remember wh...
Alleged Football Leaks Hacker Seeks "Whistleblower" Protection After Arrest In Hungary
Since its inception in 2015, Football Leaks, a website that publishes documents obtained from the hacking of various powerful soccer clubs and organizations, has been the bane of European soccer. The website has helped surface scandals ranging from Cristiano Ronaldo’s rape case and Jose Mourinho’s t...
Woman Who Coaches Men's Soccer Team Responds To Sexist Question: "I Pick My Team On Dick Length"
In late December, German soccer club BV Cloppenburg handed the reins of their fifth-division men’s team to Imke Wübbenhorst, making her the first woman to coach a German men’s team at that high of a level. You could probably imagine some of the moronic questions Wübbenhorst has had to field in light...
The MLS SuperDraft Is An Embarrassing Relic
The 2019 edition of the MLS SuperDraft took place on Friday (rounds one and two, in Chicago) and Monday (rounds three and four, on a conference call), and it was another illustration of why it is ridiculous that the league even has a draft at all....
It's Beginning To Feel Like Manchester United Are Back
There’s not a chance in hell Manchester United win the Premier League this season. The odds of them accomplishing what should be the bare minimum for the richest club in the world—finishing in the Champions League places—are better, but hardly great. Barring multiple calamities on the part of a coup...
FIFA Does One Good Thing, Continues To Do Hundreds Of Awful Things
FIFA would like you to know that it is not full of bad people. On Wednesday, the world soccer governing body put out a statement in support of Hakeem al-Araibi, an Australia-based soccer player who was detained in Thailand in November....
Dejan Lovren Suspended For Calling Sergio Ramos, Spain Players "Pussies"
According to the Liverpool Echo, UEFA has suspended Croatia and Liverpool defender Dejan Lovren for one international match because of a postgame Instagram Live rant Lovren went on recently in which he bragged about elbowing Sergio Ramos and called the Spain national team “a bunch of pussies.”...