screamer Page 21 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Afghanistan Football Federation Members Accused Of Sexually Abusing Women's National Team Players
The Guardian has a report today in which multiple figures involved in Afghanistan women’s soccer exposed what they say is a culture of abuse of the female national team’s players on the part of prominent male figures in the Afghanistan Football Federation. One former captain of the women’s team and ...
The Copa Libertadores Scandal Is The Latest Battle In The Long War For Soccer's Soul
The 2018 Copa Libertadores final could’ve been the greatest one in the competition’s storied history. In the world’s most popular sport, the world’s most fanatically soccer-crazed continent’s most coveted title was to be contested by the two clubs that make up the world’s most passionate rivalry. Bu...
Here Is An Utterly Maddening Sequence Of Soccer Errors
Unlike most lowlight-reel soccer fuckups, this comedy of errors actually happened in a meaningful game played between two good-ish teams. Standard Liege led Sevilla by a goal in their Thursday Europa League meetup, and they were presented with a perfect opportunity to slam the door shut on the Spani...
Literal Baby-Name Police Won't Let French Couple Name Their Kid "Griezmann Mbappé"
International tournament success in sports famously breeds joy, babies, and joyfully birthed babies named after the sporting heroes who achieved said success. It’s no surprise, then, that one French couple wanted to name their newborn son after two stars from France’s World Cup victory this summer. ...
Korean Soccer Player Expected To Fully Recover After Breaking His Neck On The Field
Three minutes into a playoff game in South Korea’s second-tier soccer league yesterday, Gwangju FC player Lee Seung-mo leapt into the air to challenge for a header, fell to the ground awkwardly, landed on his neck, and immediately lost consciousness. But thanks to some good fortune and the quick res...
The Next USMNT Coach Will Be Gregg Berhalter, Apparently
It is looking increasingly likely that Gregg Berhalter, former national team player and current Columbus Crew coach, will be named the next coach of the USMNT. It has looked increasingly likely for the better part of a year, but it appears to be actually happening now, so everyone try to look surpri...
Manchester United Score Late Winner, José Mourinho Freaks The Fuck Out
José Mourinho fancies himself something of a rock star, so it was fitting when he reacted to Marouane Fellaini rescuing Manchester United with a late winner by treating a couple water bottle carriers like a guitar and kick drum at the end of a metal show....
Ousmane Dembélé Has The Sickest Pump-Fake In The World
For Ousmane Dembélé, Barcelona’s match against Atlético Madrid this weekend had to feel familiar. He started the game on the bench for the fourth La Liga match running, a reflection of the French wunderkind’s continued struggles to ingratiate himself with his teammates and manager thanks his now wel...
Irish Soccer Team Caught Faking The Death Of Their Own Player To Get Out Of A Game
Ballybrack FC—a real team, I swear—were strongly condemned by the Leinster Senior League—again, a real league of lower-tier Irish soccer clubs—after they committed the grave sin of lying about the death of one of their players, possibly in order to get out of a game this weekend....
Bomb Explodes Near Ajax Fans Ahead Of UCL Match In Greece <em></em>
Ajax fans and AEK Athens fans clashed in Greece’s Olympic stadium ahead of the clubs’ Champions League match on Tuesday. According to the Independent, Greek fans “reportedly threw flares and a missile or petrol bomb,” which exploded near the supporters of the Dutch club....
Diego Maradona Struggles To Complete A Word In Post-Match Interview
Diego Maradona, historically great soccer player and current malfunctioning animated museum exhibit, appears to be in the midst of a simultaneously good and bad experience in Mexico. The good: he is the manager of second-division club Dorados, and after taking charge of the struggling group in Septe...
Patrice Evra Does Sex Stuff To A Raw Turkey
Some people really love Thanksgiving. But no one loves it quite like French soccer player Patrice Evra. Which is good, because if everyone loved it like him people would get really sick!...
Jolly Old Soccer Man Sets The Record Straight About His <i>FIFA</i> Ratings
Kevin Ellison is a 39-year-old English soccer player who has plied his trade at 13 different clubs throughout the lower levels of English soccer, only ever making one appearance in the Premier League, with Leicester City in 2001. He’s essentially soccer’s answer to Crash Davis, and he currently play...
Premier League Votes To Force-Feed Fans Steaming Piles Of VAR Next Season
If you read this site you probably already know why VAR, soccer’s misguided foray into video replay, is shit. Up to now the Premier League admirably resisted the trend of competitions shoveling VAR down everyone’s throats, in part because of some high-profile local instantiations of VAR’s shittiness...
Claudio Ranieri, Everyone's Lovable Soccer Grandpa, Is Here To Save Fulham
Despite spending something like £100 million in the transfer market in the summer, newly promoted Fulham have been the worst team in the Premier League by a good margin. Finally, they’ve decided to do something about it. Today the club announced that they’ve fired manager Slaviša Jokanović and repla...
Borussia Dortmund Defender Manuel Akanji Is The King Of Quick Maths
Last year, British rapper Big Shaq took the world by storm with an incredible freestyle performance during which he posed and solved a series of math equations mid-rap. It’s taken a while, but someone has finally surpassed Big Shaq’s show of numerical genius with even quicker, more complex maths. Th...
Dutch Soccer Fans Hire Stripper To Run On Field And Distract Opponents
Black and yellow streamers fell from the sky near the Rijnsburgse Boys goal in the 12th minute of their match against AFC on Saturday, as if to announce the coming of a celebration or a gift. A gift indeed soon came, as a local stripper ran out onto the pitch wearing nothing but shoes, socks, and so...
The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is This Tender Parenting Moment
A parent’s job is to create a supportive environment for their kids, giving them the space to make their own mistakes as well as the tools needed to correct them and learn from them. In practical terms, that can occasionally mean pushing your goofus kid in the dirt in order to teach them how to stop...
José Mourinho Caps Quintessential Win With Quintessential Assholery
Juventus had little trouble bossing Manchester United in the Champions League today. The Italian team was in control for the vast majority of the match and, if not for some shaky finishing, probably would’ve won with ease. But even during this struggle of a season, United manager José Mourinho prove...
Raheem Sterling Wins A Penalty By Tripping Over Himself
In today’s match against Shakhtar Donetsk, Manchester City star Raheem Sterling did something incredibly embarrassing when he blew a very good scoring opportunity by tripping over his own feet. Luckily for him, the referee followed that blunder with an even more monumental failure of his own when he...