screamer Page 24 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

José Mourinho Is Cornered 

Usually when Manchester United manager José Mourinho—who has been presiding over a plummeting team full of star players who hate him—is backed up against a wall of his own failings, he reacts by talking some insane and/or defensive shit or by storming away in anger. In his pre-match press conference...

Elbows Aren't Supposed To Bend This Way

Don’t watch this video of Lazio defender Riza Durmisi wrecking his arm (early reports say it’s a dislocated elbow) in the Europa League yesterday if you don’t want to see an elbow become double-jointed against its will:...

Portuguese Soccer Officials And Juventus Offer Dumbass Thoughts On Cristiano Ronaldo Rape Allegations

Earlier today, Portugal’s national team manager, Fernando Santos, and the country’s soccer federation president, Fernando Gomes, competed to see who could be the biggest, most tone-deaf moron when they each offered their commentary on the rape allegation attached to Cristiano Ronaldo. Not content wi...

Barcelona Combine Two Leaping Volleys To Produce A Beautiful Goal

I don’t know which is more impressive: the leaping, spinning kick that Phillipe Coutinho pulled off to salvage what looked like a squandered goal-scoring chance, or the leaping pile driver of a shot Ivan Rakitić put on the other end of Coutinho’s pass to give Barcelona a 2-0 lead on Tottenham:...

I Can't Stop Watching This Gorgeous Long Ball

Ajax midfielder Hakim Ziyech’s soaring cross-field pass in yesterday’s match against Bayern Munich was always beautiful, but watching it from this particular camera angle on loop sends it from “wow, that was cool” to “it’s been 30 minutes since I hit play on this video and I still haven’t moved”:...

Manhunt Is On For Aston Villa Fan Who Chucked A Cabbage At The Team's Manager

Yesterday’s Aston Villa-Preston match was a thriller that ultimately ended in tragedy for the Villans. Though it must have hurt to watch the ball bulge the back of their net three times in the disappointing 3-3 draw, the spheroid that arguably caused Villa the deepest psychic injury was the head of ...

Everton's Richarlison Came Up With The Most Embarrassing Penalty Kick Of The Year

Southampton beat Everton in the penalty kicks in third round of the EFL Cup this afternoon. This was in large part thanks to Everton forward Richarlison, who tried an ill-advised Neymar impression, short-circuited, and sent his penalty over the cross bar. ...

Tremendous, Compounding Boners Lead To Incredible Own Goal

VfB Stuttgart surrendered one of the most embarrassing own goals you’ll ever see this weekend, thanks to a combination of mistakes from left back Borna Sosa and keeper Ron-Robert Zieler....

Last week, it looked like Giuseppe Rossi was going to be banned for a year for failing a PED test. Today Rossi had his hearing with the anti-doping authorities, and he got off without any ban. Rossi is pumped. Thus the #FreeRossi campaign comes to its happy conclusion, and the #AnnounceRossi one beg...

Cristiano Ronaldo Calls Rape Accusation Against Him "Fake News"

Last Friday, German magazine Der Spiegel published an article in which Kathryn Mayorga provided a detailed account of the night she says Cristiano Ronaldo raped her in 2009. Later that day, Ronaldo responded to Mayorga’s claims in an Instagram Live video, calling her account “fake news” aimed at mak...

Daniel Sturridge Scores Incredible Goal To Keep Liverpool's Undefeated Record Alive

For a majority of Saturday’s match between Liverpool and Chelsea, it looked as though the Blues were going to beat Jürgen Klopp’s side for the second time this week after ousting them from the League Cup on Wednesday. Thankfully for the Reds, Daniel Sturridge was around to save the day just three mi...

Woman Who Accused Cristiano Ronaldo Of Rape Tells Her Full Story, Seeks To Void Settlement<em></em>

Last year, German magazine Der Spiegel unearthed documents that revealed an out-of-court settlement from 2010 between international soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo and an anonymous American woman who had accused Ronaldo of raping her in a Las Vegas hotel room. Today, that woman has cast aside that ano...

David Beckham Avoids Speeding Ticket Thanks To "Mr. Loophole" Lawyer<em></em>

Instead of paying a speeding ticket like a normal person might, David Beckham opted to plead not guilty and take this thing to court. There, his slick lawyer—known by British media as “Mr. Loophole”—got him off on a technicality, the BBC reported. ...

Javier Pastore Scored Another Insane Backheel Goal

Remember that insane backheel goal Roma’s Javier Pastore scored about a month ago, how with one deft flick he reaffirmed his status as one of the most gifted players in the game after his long fallow period in Paris? Well, he did practically the exact same thing again yesterday against Frosinone:...

Cristiano Ronaldo Told He CANNOT Play Against Young Boys<em></em>

Young Boys can rest easy, knowing that this menace has been forbidden from going at them....

Restructured United Soccer League Apes Everything British, Except For What Matters

The levels of the American soccer pyramid are confusing, mostly because they are make-believe. Every level of the world’s real soccer pyramids are clearly numbered, linked with flights of stairs, and constantly shuffle teams up and down depending on the results of a clear and meritocratic process. A...

Paul Pogba And José Mourinho's Relationship Is Rapidly Deteriorating

When last we updated you on the fraught situation between Manchester United manager José Mourinho and his star player Paul Pogba, the two parties were slamming their team’s performance this weekend and low-key (or in Pogba’s case, explicitly) blaming one another for the loss. In just a few short day...

German Fans Protest Corporate Greed In Soccer With A Big "Fucking" Banner

Werder Bremen hosted Hertha Berlin today in a Bundesliga match held at a date and time that made some German soccer fans angry. In light of growing concerns about soccer officials’ greed ruining the sport fans love, some Werder fans in attendance held up a huge sign that read—well, you can see it qu...

Giuseppe Rossi Faces One-Year Ban After Failed Doping Test [Update]

Here we have the latest depressing update on the great and greatly unlucky career of American-born Italian phenom, Giuseppe Rossi: The striker has tested positive for a banned substance in Italy and faces a one-year ban from the game....

Bad Soccer Men Try And Thankfully Fail To Beat The Hell Out Of Referee

A soccer match from earlier this month between Indonesian clubs Persegres Gresik United and Persiwa Wamena exploded into chaos when a few players who took issue with a controversial penalty call sought to communicate their dissatisfaction to the ref by beating his ass:...