screamer Page 25 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Luka Modrić Wins FIFA's Dumb Little "The Best" Award
Individual awards in soccer are inherently silly and effectively meaningless. FIFA’s premier individual award has been rendered even sillier and less meaningful recently after soccer mag France Football regained ownership of the actually prestigious Ballon d’Or, causing FIFA to invent their own “The...
Mourinho And Pogba Agree That Manchester United Suck, But Disagree On Who Is To Blame
If there’s good news to come from Manchester United’s home draw against newly promoted Wolverhampton on Saturday, it’s that José Mourinho and Paul Pogba agree on what the problem is. If there’s bad news to come from that good news, it’s that Mourinho and Pogba more or less think it’s the other one’s...
Soccer Man's Goal Celebration Takes Surprise Detour Into The Twilight Zone
Meet Benjamin Kololli, a 26-year-old soccer player currently plying his trade in Switzerland. Kololli was in Cyprus yesterday, with his squad FC Zürich playing a big match against AEK Larnaca. Kololli is an important player, so he would not have been shocked to have been placed smack dab in the midd...
Cristiano Ronaldo's Sister On Red Card: "They Want To Destroy My Brother, But God Never Sleeps"
Cristiano Ronaldo’s sister Katia Aveiro, who previously said that people who vandalized a statue of her brother on their home island of Madeira should be exiled to Syria, has defended her brother on social media again. This time, she did so after he was sent off in Juventus’s Champions League match...
Ryan Fraser Is The Best Little Fella In The Premier League
Bournemouth winger Ryan Fraser is extremely cool. He’s super fast, loves running at defenders, can muscle his way into and around the penalty area almost at will, and when he gets there, he’s pretty good at slipping the ball to a teammate or smashing it at the goal himself. These traits are common a...
Tottenham's New Stadium Construction Sounds Like A Nightmare
Tottenham Hotspur played last season at Wembley Stadium while its brand new, state-of-the-art home stadium was under construction. It wasn’t ideal, but it was supposed to have paid off when the new park opened this month for Spurs’ Premier League game against Liverpool. That didn’t happen, as last w...
Ousmane Dembélé Isn't Perfect For Barcelona, But He Is What They Need
It still isn’t entirely clear if Ousmane Dembélé truly fits in at Barcelona. He doesn’t seem to have level of technical mastery and precision required to thrive in Barcelona’s traditional playing style, and it’s yet to be determined whether it would be wise or even possible for him or Barça alter th...
Cristiano Ronaldo Sent Off In Tears After Softest Red Card Ever
In his first Champions League match with Juventus, Cristiano Ronaldo was sent off in the 29th minute for what looked like patting (maybe forcefully patting?) Valencia defender Jeison Murillo on the head, after Murillo went down in the box. I’m no Ronaldo super fan, but that has to be the most ridicu...
Michael Bradley Might As Well Retire After Zlatan Ibrahimović Ethered Him
Zlatan Ibrahimović scored what might have been the greatest goal of his life last Saturday in the L.A. Galaxy’s game against Toronto FC. Somehow, that goal—the 500th of his career—might not have been the most ruthless thing he did that day....
Liverpool Righteously Owned PSG In A Champions League Classic
The first classic match of the new Champions League season came on the first day of the competition. Liverpool-PSG had everything: superstar forwards on both sides of the ball, anarchic attacks flying up and down the pitch, several goals, a wounded dick, and, maybe most importantly, a heart-stopping...
Wonderteen Christian Pulisic, Who Is Now A Wonderman, Scores Winner On 20th Birthday
Christian Pulisic turned 20 years old today, which means he is no longer the Wonderteen we have all known and loved, but instead a full-grown Wonderman. He showed his newfound maturity by scoring the lone goal and winner for Borussia Dortmund in the 85th minute of their Champions League opener again...
Mauro Icardi's Gut-Punch Volley Made Tottenham Puke All Over Themselves
Even in this new Mauricio Pochettino era of success, Spurs haven’t fully cured their Spursiness. Over the past few years Tottenham have been at their most Spursy in the Champions League, and today’s tournament-opening match against Inter was no exception....
It's Now Or Never For Eden Hazard
Right now, Eden Hazard resides in perplexing plane of existence all his own. The boundaries of this plane are fuzzy and indefinite, but the simplest way to prove its unmistakable presence might be to consider the following question: Has Hazard been a disappointment?...
Dimitri Payet Is Still Alive And Kicking The Bejesus Out Of Soccer Balls
Remember when Dimitri Payet came to the Premier League a few years ago, immediately set the world on fire by single-handedly transforming West Ham into must-see TV with his gasp-inducing talent and irrepressible flair, and then jilted all those new fans he’d earned right when we were starting to get...
Spain Clobbered Croatia And Should Be Mad As Hell About It
World Cup failures Spain took on World Cup runners-up Croatia yesterday in a match in the new and sort of confusing UEFA Nations League. You might not totally get what the Nations League is (here’s a quick primer) but there are some things you should know about the Spain-Croatia match itself: 1) it ...
Matt Miazga Adds Insult To Injury By Mocking Diego Lainez's Height In USMNT Victory
The USMNT beat Mexico in an international friendly Tuesday night, 1–0, on a second-half goal from teenager Tyler Adams. You want to see the goal. Fine. Here is the goal, you demanding jerk:...
France's World Cup Celebration Party Was Wonderfully Joyous
Yesterday, France beat the Netherlands in a fairly meaningless international match. While the match itself didn’t matter, it did have the distinction of being the first time the French national team had returned to their home stadium since this summer’s glorious World Cup victory. To commemorate the...
Nicklas Bendtner Decked A Cabbie And Broke His Jaw
Former Arsenal player and cult-favorite shithead Nicklas Bendtner famously once unbuckled his pants, rubbed his junk up against a taxi, and then spanked the presumably titillated but bewildered vehicle with his just-removed belt in a fit of anger aimed at the cab’s driver. On Sunday, Bendtner was on...
Here’s Every Goal In Manchester United Women’s 12-0 Rout
Manchester United formed a women’s team again this year, thirteen years after the club disbanded its previous women’s squad. The team won its first game and lost its second in the FA Women’s League Cup. Today United played its first game in the FA Women’s Championship, the new second-tier league in ...
Some Common Goalkeeping Mistakes Aren't Actually Mistakes
It’s not really surprising that an eccentric position played by only one-tenth of a sport’s population and operating under a completely different rule set is relatively overlooked and misunderstood. That’s not always a major problem. After all, a goalkeeper’s job boils down to “Keep the ball out of ...