screamer Page 26 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Cascading Series Of Fuckups Leads To Thrilling Game-Winning Goal
Here we have an example of the redemptive power of never giving up, from the Tajik Cup. After a defender for Lokomotiv Pamir booted a long clearance, FC Istiklol Dushanbe’s goalkeeper made the critical mistake of getting fancy with his interception, trying to turn and kick the ball across the middle...
Dumbass Plan To Play La Liga Match In The U.S. Already Looks Like A Disaster
La Liga’s money-grubbing ploy to bring a league match to the U.S. every year always sounded like just about the stupidest idea imaginable. With each additional revelation about the deal, we’re getting a clearer picture of just how moronic and incompetent the plan and the planners behind it truly are...
Uganda's Answer To Rob Ford Is Somehow Even Less Athletic<em></em>
Moses Ali is the 79-year-old first deputy prime minister of Uganda. He is also enormously fat and wildly unathletic. Following in the footsteps of another politician who possessed a considerable girth and a dearth of athleticism, Ali embarrassed himself while trying to execute a routine physical mot...
Inter Miami CF Continues MLS's Proud Tradition Of Barfy European Cosplay
David Beckham’s Mosaic trek through the American sports grifter desert as he seeks to realize his MLS team ownership dream has come another step closer to reality. We now know what to call this allegedly imminent franchise, and it’s a name as nauseatingly cosplayish as we’ve come to expect:...
Atletico Madrid B Captain Takes Bite Out Of New Real Madrid Signing
When 18-year-old Brazilian forward Vinícius Júnior was signed to Real Madrid on a €45 million transfer this summer, there was probably some expectation on his end that his footballing life would change for the better....
Manchester United Fans Went Full Arsenal With This Fly-Over Banner
Manchester United are not having a great season so far. They’ve managed to earn just three points in their first three games, manager José Mourinho is reaching a breaking point, and Graeme Souness is getting the dog whistle out early....
Usain Bolt Is A Soccer Player Now And He's Actually Not Terrible
Usain Bolt may have retired from track, but he hasn’t given up sports entirely. He is currently signed to a trial contract with the Central Coast Mariners, an Australia A-League team, trying to realize his dream of becoming a pro soccer player. He made his official debut in a preseason friendly last...
José Mourinho Is Still Talking That Good Shit
Look, I don’t know how much time he has left as the manager of Manchester United, and so I am begging you to enjoy José Mourinho in full Meltdown Mode while you still can. It really is one of the greatest shows in sports....
Here Is The Champions League Group Stage Draw
The group stage draw for this year’s Champions League tournament was just completed this morning, and now it is time to find out which teams have been unfairly boned and which teams were clearly the beneficiaries of a rigged lottery....
It's Time For A Better Conversation About Goalkeeping
Goalkeepers have no business existing in soccer. Maintaining an entire class of players whose job is to snuff the joy out of a game is absurd, and strapping on gloves to play a sport that prohibits the use of the hands is blasphemy. In defiance of not just strikers, but more or less everyone, the ke...
Why Don't More Soccer Teams Scoop Up Easy Goals From Cool Free-Kick Routines Like This?
PAOK scored the first goal of their Champions League qualifying match against a superior Benfica team off of a neat little coordinated free-kick routine. Watch the goal above, because it’s cool, and then ponder the following: What is it about free goals that have the big tough soccer boys afraid of ...
Clint Dempsey Is An Intractable Asshole Who Never Backed Down From Anyone
After playing professional soccer for 15 years, Clint Dempsey—celebrated striker and guy who broke John Terry’s face—is retiring at age 35 from both the Seattle Sounders and the United States national team. The Sounders posted a statement detailing Dempsey’s long and successful career; Deuce, chara...
Javier Pastore Escaped His Gilded Cage And Is Back Doing Crazy Shit On The Field
If you were to name a poster boy for the phenomenon of promising young talents who join the game’s richest clubs only to find themselves spending more time watching soccer than playing it, Javier Pastore would be a perfectly credible choice. Now, after finally deciding to step out from the bejeweled...
Whenever José Mourinho Faces Pressure, He Brings Up A World Crisis
On Monday, Manchester United manager José Mourinho stormed out of a press conference after his squad fell to Tottenham, 3-0. “3-0,” he said. “But also mean, three Premierships, and I’ve won more Premierships alone than the other 19 managers together.” He kept saying “respect” as he walked off stage....
Huddersfield Player Commits One Damn Impressive Boner
This own goal from Huddersfield’s Juninho Bacuna came in stoppage time, with his team already down 1-0 to Stoke City in today’s League Cup match. Since Bacuna’s gaffe wasn’t the difference maker in the result, it’s okay to marvel at his impressively sliced shot, which would have been an all-timer ha...
Lucas Moura Cooking Chris Smalling Is A Metaphor For Tottenham's Spanking Of Man United
It takes a firm lashing of José Mourinho’s asscheeks to get him to walk into a press conference and opine about international humanitarian crises before storming out of the room while doing an unironic Birdman impression, and that’s exactly what Tottenham administered to Mourinho’s Manchester United...
Jose Mourinho Storms Out Of Press Conference, Appears To Be Losing It
Tottenham crushed Manchester United with a comprehensive 3-0 victory at Old Trafford this afternoon, handing the Red Devils their second loss out of the first three Premier League games. United manager Jose Mourinho—who’s coming off a tumultuous offseason and has a tendency to see his clubs implode ...
It's Time For The Soccer World To Unite And Come To An Agreement About VAR
“VAR is a dogshit system that poorly solves the marginal problems it was invented to address by privileging a make-believe standard of perfection at the expense of vastly more important values,” certain wise commenters have remarked about the addition of video replay to soccer. “VAR runs the risk of...
Chelsea Manager Maurizio Sarri Has A Weird Solution For His In-Game Cigarette Urges
Chelsea manager Maurizio Sarri really, really likes to smoke. So much so that he used to light up on the sideline and in the tunnel when he managed Napoli:...
Young Marseille Fan Turns Ceremonial Kick-Off Into A Goal, Perturbs Very Proper Announcer
It’s not unprecedented for Marseille fans to seize the opportunity of the ceremonial kick-off to live out their dreams of scoring a goal, but this lad truly squeezed every last drop out of it with a goal, shirtless celebration, and slide....