screamer Page 5 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Fraudulent Clowns PSG Had A Shockingly Unfraudulent Summer
After a summer full of rumors and whispers, the winner of the Neymar sweepstakes is his current and future club. Paris Saint-Germain, the plucky, oil state-backed underdog, fended off the overtures from both Barcelona and Real Madrid until the death, only celebrating Neymar’s continued residence in ...
Josh Sargent Inches Ever Closer To Wonderteenhood With Nifty Goal
This is an urgent communiqué from the American Wonderteen Identification Department: Though we have not yet officially identified a player capable of inheriting the title of Wonderteen from Christian Pulisic, various candidates are being strongly considered. One such candidate is 19-year-old striker...
Our Neymar Transfer Watch Has Ended, For Now
The battle for Neymar’s future is on hiatus for now, as the Brazilian winger will remain at Paris Saint-Germain because the French club was unable to reach an agreement with Barcelona, according to multiple reports. ...
Cristiano Ronaldo Makes Fun Of VAR For Being A Killjoy After Scoring
Cristiano Ronaldo thought he’d scored his first goal of the new Serie A season last week, only for VAR to erase it due to one of those maddeningly marginal offside calls. In today’s match against Napoli, the Juventus forward once again found the back of the net, only this time the goal stood. In ack...
Eric Cantona Gives Instantly Iconic, Batshit Insane Speech At UEFA Award Show
“As flies to wanton boys, we are for the gods. They kill us for sport,” was how soccer legend Eric Cantona, quoting Shakespeare, began his wholly and fittingly insane acceptance speech after being handed the UEFA President’s Award today. And it only got weirder from there:...
Here Is The 2019-20 Champions League Group Stage Draw
And we’re back! After a summer of international tournaments and preliminary rounds, the Champions League group stage is up next, following the completion of the draw earlier today in Monaco. As is tradition, now we can shift to figuring out who got boned by the draw, and who will have a cakewalk to ...
VAR Took A Dump All Over This Vancouver Whitecaps Penalty Kick
VAR keeps hitting never-before-seen low points in ways that were hard to imagine when it was first implemented. The Vancouver Whitecaps experienced a new version of outrage during their match against the Montreal Impact on Wednesday night, when replays ruled out one of their goals, due to both the ...
Bolton Wanderers' Sale Goes Through, Saving The Club From Ruin
On the same day that Bury were officially expelled from the English Football League, Bolton Wanderers have narrowly avoided a similar fate. The club announced on Wednesday that it had been sold to Football Ventures (White) Limited, and thus will avoid expulsion:...
Bury Have Been Kicked Out Of The English Football League After 125 Years
The deadline came and went, and now one of England’s oldest soccer clubs has been kicked out of the English Football League. Bury had been on the ropes financially for the majority of this year, and with neither a sale nor a proof of financial stability coming through before Tuesday’s 5 p.m. deadli...
Liverpool And Manchester City Still Reign Supreme
The start of a new season offers all the promise of a blank slate. Onto this yet untouched slab, our imaginations can run wild carving any conceivable array of results and events, thrillingly unconstrained by anything other than our own whims and predictions. However, though we are just three matche...
Brazilian Referee Becomes Second Ref This Month To Stop Match Due To Homophobic Chants
While FIFA’s recent disciplinary code changes meant to address racist abuse from supporters in the stands, the updated rules have already been called to action this month to combat homophobia, first in France and now in Brazil....
Sunday's <i>El Tráfico</i> Between LAFC And The LA Galaxy Was MLS At Its Very Best
Four goals in the first 16 minutes. A Zlatan brace. Carlos Vela yelling at his manager. The fifth edition of El Tráfico, the Los Angeles Derby between LAFC and the Galaxy that capped off MLS’s Rivalry Week on Sunday night, wasn’t just the best game of the season—it was an example of what MLS can be ...
Crystal Palace's Patrick van Aanholt Scores Late Winner To Bring Down Toothless Manchester United
It appears that no matter how hard they try, Manchester United are unable to shake the fact that mediocrity is now a staple characteristic of the once-dominant (if that even means anything anymore) club. Case in point is the fact that the focus of this summer’s transfer window was to bolster the def...
Never Forget That Fernando Torres Was A Force Of Nature Before He Was A Meme
It has been a while since Fernando Torres was something other than a melancholic presence on the soccer field. The man nicknamed El Niño—who played for Atlético Madrid, Liverpool, Chelsea, AC Milan, and Atlético again before retiring on Thursday at Japanese club Sagan Tosu—saw the arc of his career ...
Barcelona, Real Madrid, And PSG Are In A Three-Way Standoff Over Neymar's Future
The first Clásico of the season isn’t until the end of October, but Real Madrid and Barcelona are currently in the throes of a battle with much higher stakes than any one match. After a summer’s worth of rumors and reports linking Paris Saint-Germain’s star forward Neymar to a return to Barcelona, R...
Manager Ascends To New Level Of Consciousness, Makes Completely Logical Connection Between The Handball Rule And Brexit
The modern discourse is a never-ending cascade of Expanding Brain memes. Everyone plays their part, and when Deadspin is doing its job well, we provide takes that belong to one of the latter panels, ones hopefully more sophisticated than this but less out-there than this. Proving that our angle on t...
Report: Inter Miami's Proposed Stadium Site Is An Arsenic-Filled Poison Pit
The long wait to watch David Beckham’s Miami MLS franchise play in all the promised glitziness has hit yet another unfortunate snag: the ground where Inter Miami’s ritzy new stadium is to be built is literally poisoned....
Banger King Rúben Neves Scores The First Great Goal Of The Premier League Season
One of the best ongoing statistical oddities in English soccer is that Wolverhampton Wanderers youngster Rúben Neves has never scored for the club from inside the penalty box in open play. Heading into Monday’s game against Manchester United, the 22-year-old Portuguese midfielder had 12 goals for Wo...
The New Handball Rule Is The Cold, VAR Is Cancer
For the second time in as many weeks of the new Premier League season, the biggest story from the weekend was another ruinously stupid imposition of VAR. The only thing more tiring than having to write the umpteenth anti-VAR post is having to witness video replay poison this wonderful sport from wee...
Old Man Wayne Rooney Is Sick Of These Damn Refs And All This Damn Traveling
Old Man Wayne Rooney’s MLS stint is just about done. At the conclusion of this season he’ll leave DC United to become a player-manager for Derby County back in England. Perhaps this is a good time for him to make an exit from American soccer, because he seems pretty fed up with the whole enterprise ...