screamer Page 91 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
German Club Unveils New Player Alongside Some Dude Wearing Mask Of Manager's Face
The guy on the right of this photo is Thomas Meggle, sporting director for German second division club St. Pauli. The guy in the middle is Marvin Ducksch, the team’s brand-new striker as announced just hours ago. The guy on the left, well, is not who he appears to be....
L.A. Galaxy Require Cheap, Fake Goal To Beat Fifth-Division Beer League Team
“Obviously you’re going to bleed every precious second off the clock,” the announcer notes, as the L.A. Galaxy are nursing a 2-1 lead with only 10 men against La Maquina, obviously a fearsome opponent, given the Galaxy’s desire to nurse the clock. Wait, who are La Maquina?...
Series Of Cascading Errors Gifts Panama A Nice Lil' Goal
Panama have a chance to knock Chile out of the Copa America and join their CONCACAF friends (USA and Mexico) in the quarterfinals if they beat Chile this evening. Thanks to a terrible pass by a center back and some fumbling goalkeeping work, they got an early lead against the Chileans....
Cristiano Ronaldo Is Not Mad. This Is Actually Funny To Him.
Underwear mogul/ab demon Cristiano Ronaldo and his Portuguese teammates opened their Euro 2016 campaign against Iceland today. It was the tiny island’s first European Championship game ever, and they managed to come from behind and tie Portugal, 1-1. Portugal had 27 shots, 10 on goal, and 66 percent...
ABBA's "Dancing Queen" Has The Power To Soothe The Violent Souls Of Soccer Fans
The single biggest story to emerge from the Euros thus far is the fan violence. It’s important to remember, though, that not all European soccer fans are depraved lunatics who stomp out other people in the wrong-colored shirts for fun. Or, alternatively, that “Dancing Queen” is such a fun and unifyi...
No One Understands Soccer's Rules, And That's A Problem
In training last week I nicked a player from behind in an 8v8 game, he fell to the ground, and we scored off the turnover. Our coach, acting as referee from the sideline, asked if I fouled him. I always have the natural instinct to say no chance; there’s no asterisk next to a W in the results column...
Sweatpants-Rocking Keeper Gábor Király Has Always Been Our Soccer Dad
At 40 years of age, goalkeeper Gábor Király became the oldest player to ever appear in a European Championship game today when took the field for Hungary’s match against Austria. You might think that his attire from today’s game—particularly, those conspicuous gray sweatpants seen above—was a knowin...
Germany Manager Loves To Smell His Own Nether Regions
The above video, given the disgustingly appropriate title “Joachim Löw smells his balls and his ass during Germany vs Ukraine 2-0,” blew up this weekend because, well, it shows a grown man slipping his hands down the front and back of his pants and sniffing the offending fingers. Sadly, new evidence...
Gigi Buffon Busts His Ass Celebrating Italy's Win
Careful, old man. Your back at 38 isn’t as resilient as it was at 18. Here’s a couple more angles of Buffon’s fall:...
UEFA Promises To Boot Russia From Euros Upon Next Incident Of In-Stadium Fan Violence
Even if more than a couple bigwigs in Russian sport don’t, UEFA apparently does take seriously the problems that Russian hooligans have caused so far in this Euro 2016 tournament—namely, of course, the problem of them beating the life out of dozens of English fans. Today, UEFA announced stiff penalt...
Sepp Blatter Dishes On Hot Balls Scandal
Sepp Blatter’s FIFA was a world-historically corrupt organization that sold away World Cups and ran all sorts of illegal-ass schemes until the Justice Department shut them down and he got replaced by a new, not entirely different president. Even though he’s widely reviled (or held up, depending on h...
Venezuela Scissor Kick Their Way Ahead Of Mexico
Venezuela and Mexico are both going to advance to the quarterfinals of the Copa America, but the winner gets to avoid Argentina, so both teams have plenty to play for. The Venezuelans struck first and took a 1-0 lead thanks to José Velázquez going all upside down and smashing it past José Corona....
Marouane Fellaini's Hair Is Real Bad
Regular Fellaini hair: cool. Fellaini hair dunked in a vat of peroxide so that it loses its appealing form and texture and instead resembles an stringy mass of nasty yellow cotton candy: uncool. Stay cool, Fellaini....
Fan Violence Is Out Of Control At Euro 2016
While “fan” violence in Europe in 2016 is, sadly, by no means out of the ordinary, the kinds of sustained and coordinated attacks we’ve seen at such a high-profile international event like Euro 2016 these past few days is pretty shocking. We have Englishmen taunting local fans, locals orchestrating ...
World Cup Host Country Jails Dutch Rape Victim On Adultery Charges
FIFA remains committed to hosting the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, where a projected 7,000 slaves will die in the process of constructing facilities funded by Coca-Cola, McDonald’s, and Anheuser-Busch. But the atrocious human rights situation in that country extends beyond the laborers shanghaied into b...
Dimitri Payet Saves France's Ass With Late Game-Winning Goal
France at times looked a little tense during their Euro 2016-opening match against Romania, as they created chances at will but couldn’t keep their composure enough to convert them into goals. Late on, they were tied at 1-1, looking for someone to save the day. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that it w...